The Eccentric Files
by Ren and Missa
Summary: When Ino met her dream boy, it was on a bus to New York, and it took her several hours to learn his name and stop calling him 'Pinapple Head'. Sakura, on the other hand, literally ran into hers and got cake all over his shirt. Nice.
1. Action1: Running Away

**Disclaimer:** The only thing I'm dominating right now is my computer. Not the Naruto world. Woe is me.

**The Eccentric Files**

_Act1: Running Away_

From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: What the _fuck?!_

Okay pig, you've got some major explaining to do!

You KNOW I hate being in Geometry without you! Where are you, anyway?! HE and _I_ are being paired up together AND I NEED HELP AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE!

And Sai wants to know where you are, but I told him to go fuck off. He doesn't deserve you, especially after what he did. Want me to knee him? I'll do it, too. Plus, HE. WON'T. STOP. LOOKING. AT. ME.

Hold on-

Okay, he's now on the floor, clutching his Family Jewels. Haha, serves him right, stupid bastard. I'm sorry, I know how much you don't like talking about him.

So, where are you? IF YOU'RE CUTTING CLASS AGAIN JUST TO GO MAKE OUT WITH WHATS-HIS-BUCKET I AM GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR EYEBROWS!

Seriously, geometry first period with HIM isn't healthy, especially without you. If you're not cutting and you really just don't feel well, want me to make you some of my homemade soup that you love so much? Okay, Kakashi-sensei is writing the homework on the board...

Evil teacher. _Eeeevil_ teacher. Page 150 #1-25, then page 153 #1-44 odd. God dammit, and I have softball practice later. And don't you have cheerleading practice after school? Man, I am NOT telling Kayo-sensei you're sick; that woman gives me the heebie jeebies.

YOU BETTER E-MAIL ME BACK, YAMANAKA INO! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE DYING, YOU **WILL** REPLY BACK!

-Sakura

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: It appears that the shit has hit the fan.

Whoopsie!

Alright forehead, relax. Chill pill and all that jazz.

Oh dear, 'HE'?! My my, it appears that little Sakura is finally getting some love in her life.

...Or maybe not, considering you ran into him carrying a chocolate cake and thoroughly ruined his best shirt. Oh well, maybe he's forgotten! Doubtful, but hey, it's worth a shot. (Except don't try too many times darling, I worry about you and your OCD behavior.)

Try not to drool too much.

Oh, and kick Sai again--for me. Maybe step on his head when he's on the floor and writhing in pain.

Alright, I guess this is the part where I explain? Hmn...yeah, don't really want to. All you need to know is that I have some stuff to figure out, and home was not the place to do it. It looks like you'll be going to be in Geometry class without me for a while, seeing as I am on a bus less than 200 miles from N.Y.C.

Tell Kayo-sensei that I eloped with Michael Jackson to have his love-child, and report what she says.

Oh, and what's-his-bucket and I are over. Very over. Past-life over. Alright, I gotta run. The dude sitting next to me, (who is maybe a 7 on the hotness scale, possibly more if his head didn't resemble a pineapple) has just fallen asleep on my shoulder. It's fairly distracting, since he's breathing on my neck and the grandparents three seats down are looking _scandalized_.

Hmmm, I am going to kiss him awake! That should make this stupid trip less boring...

Big hugs and some shoe polish for your noble brow,

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: I'm gonna punch your pretty face in

YOU'RE LEAVING ME?!

Fine. I get the kids, AND the house.

What love, Ino? He hasn't talked to me SINCE that evil-day-that-I-told-you-not-to-mention-which-YOU-HAVE-JUST-DONE! Though, can calling me a bimbo airhead who can't even walk straight for five seconds without ruining something count as talking?

Uh-oh, he noticed my looking at him, and is now proceeding to glare at me. Jesus, who raped HIM with a stick this morning? ...wow, those are some bad thoughts. _DIE_!

Hmm, since I didn't know what head you were referring to, I did. Whoops; I don't think he'll be having kids for a looong time. Oh well, if anyone asks, I'm doing it for the good of the environment and not that I get satisfaction from his pain. Which I don't. Not at all.

Muahaha.

You must be joking. And get a barricade of pompom's thrown at me? NO. WAY. Besides, she'll probably start wailing that her team captain is a lesbian, since I'm not sure if Michael actually counts as a man, anymore. He's too...feminine looking.

Whoa, who's getting the love NOW, Ino-pig? Hmm, you must go in-depth on Pineapple Head. He sounds fairly hot. I still can't believe you're leaving me, AND cheating on me with P.H. The children (and all of the boys at our school, and probably some girls too) will be devastated.

Kisses to both you and the guy who is unknowingly giving you hickies,

-Sakura.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: You called me pretty!

You know, glaring is just another way of undressing someone with the eyes. (DO NOT DENY IT, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE).

Oh, sorry I forgot that I wasn't supposed to mention that. I suppose I shouldn't mention when he walked in on your stunning performance of, "I'm singing in the rain" either, hmmn?

Oh, I'm sorry. It was very funny when you backed into the stack of chairs--causing them to topple over and land on him though.

It's not really LEAVING--I mean, I'm still talking to YOU...

Oh, one thing, could you maybe not talk about me going to N.Y.C. to anybody? I have my reasons, trust me. I might tell you later.

-Gasp!- No insulting the Michael! He is very dear to my heart!

Okay, PH just RUDELY read over my shoulder, (which he is still doing, yes, I see you PH. PH stands for Pineapple Head you dork, now go back to sleep) and asked me who Michael was. I said Michael Jackson, and the grandparents who were still looking at me like I was some sort of incurable whore, started tittering.

Apparently, MJ's mere name is the new swear-word of the year!

Alright, nothing has been extracted from the Pineapple Head yet. Our conversation thus far has gone like this:

Me: -Kissing him in an attempt to entertain self and get him off my shoulder-

PH: -Kisses back, (VERY WELL) and mumbles something like 'Temari'-

Me: -breaks away- "Who's Temari?"

PH: -Fully awake now and looking confused- "Who are YOU?!"

Me: "I'm...a fairy."

PH: -turning to grandparents- "Did she just molest me in my sleep?"

Grandparents: "Well! I should think so!"

PH: "Oh."

Me: "I did not! I was just...waking you up."

PH: "...I see..."

I believe that this will be the start of a beautiful relationshi--

AAAAH! OHMIGOD SAKURA, THE BUS DRIVER JUST TURNED ON THE COUNTRY MUSIC! WHY GOD, WHY?!

Bleeding eardrums and thanks-for-hurting-Sai's,

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Don't get too excited, I'm still gonna punch you

...have you been listening to the voices again? Don't you take medicine for that? I TOLD YOU TO ONLY TAKE ONE THIS MORNING!!

And I have no idea what you're talking about, Ino. Lalala, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!

Fine then! How about the time you tripped into Ferezuka Jonouchi, our darling football captain (as I'm sure you know; you've made out with him plenty of times behind the bleachers) AND CAUSED HIM TO FALL INTO ANKO-SENSEI'S BOOBS?!

Revenge is a bitch, isn't it Boar?

Okay, but what do you want me to tell them? I don't think the MJ excuse will go down very well with Tsunade-sama. What do you want me to tell _her_, huh?

...and no, Ino, she won't accept that you got abducted by Teddy Bears, either.

Ino, you ARE an incurable whore. Seriously, how many boyfriends have you had this past month? Like, eight?

So, he kisses well, does he?

Name one of your daughters after me!

Okay, gotta go. Gym is next, and I swear to Kami, one of these days I'm going to **YOUTHFULLY** punch Gai-sensei in his YOUTHFUL face. Of course he'll probably be proud of me. And then make me run laps. Life can be _so_ unfair.

Still missing you terribly,

-Sakura.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I tremble in fear.

But you see Sakura, the difference between my relationships with boys like Ferezuka and your...'relationship' (Can you call stalking a relationship?) with Sasuke-kun is that I am not blindly chasing after him still.

Though really, you two must have opposite vibes or something. Normally, you are a very graceful person--it's just when he enters the perimeter that you start flipping out. (I would blame this on your crush on him, but you don't even have to SEE him. Talk about negative vibes).

...Wait, he was football captain?

Alright, I'll e-mail Tsunade myself. You don't have to face the dragon-woman on my behalf, though I got happy glows from the thought.

And I am not an incurable whore. Like seriously, EIGHT boyfriends?!

First of all, I do not have BOYFRIENDS, I have TOYS. And secondly, there were AT _LEAST_ twelve.

It's not that I try to go through them like that--it's just that they're all so...boring. Out of all of them, NONE have even a SPARK of originality--it's just, "Pants off, shirt up. Did you say your name was Ano?"

It's like you and Sasuke, only instead of just glancing over the other guys and deciding they aren't right for me, I actually go test them out.

PH is my new hero by the way. He got the maniac bus driver to change the radio station by singing along. Predictably, the station was changed until we got to some good, rock music, and PH shut up.

I think he might be a god. I gave him some of my pocky as thanks and a peace offer. I do believe we have called a truce. I offered some pocky to the grandparents, but they spat on the floor and made the sign of the cross.

But then PH pointed out that there was more for us! PH is a bloody genius.

Oh, by the way, I left some pocky for you taped to the bottom of the third base marker. It's still in the box, so I think it'll be okay.

...Ahahaha, YOSH. While you are running laps, just picture me in my nice, air-conditioned seat. With PH and pocky. And good music.

And yes, PH is a fantastic kisser. He's talking to me now, and it's actually kind of interesting so I am going to listen. Something about how the grandparents remind him of walruses.

Yes, it is official; I am going to have to kill this Temari girl.

Name one of my daughters after you?

Sure, I'll do that.

--Ino

P.S. There a guy at the back of the bus who looks disturbing. I think he might have died--he's all bundled up under this big, bulky coat.

'Troublesome,' as PH seems to like to say.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: I really hate Gai

YOU SAID HIS NAME! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY IT BECAUSE IF HE EVER FINDS THIS HE'LL KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM AND THEN HE'LL THINK THAT I'M WEIRDER THAN I ALREADY AM AND I'LL NEVER HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM AND-

Okay, I'm done now. So when Gai asked where you were I told him that you were having youthful babies with some stranger, and that you probably wouldn't be back for a while. To which he replied, "YOSH! AS A BEST FRIEND, MISS HARUNO, YOU MUST KEEP THE BURNING FLAME OF YOUTH BRIGHT! SO YOU WILL NOT ONLY DO **YOUR** YOUTHFUL LAPS BUT MISS YAMANAKAS AS WELL!"

...I hate you. Have I ever mentioned that?

I wouldn't know about that whole originality thing, since I've only dated like a couple of boys since we started high school.

And no, I don't count the heaps of blind dates you've sent me on, since within the first five minutes all of their hands were sliding up my thigh or groping me in some way. Thanks _so_ much, Ino.

Oh, phew. I like this PH more and more.

AND YOU LEFT ME SOME POCKY?!

MUST. **FIND**!

Mmm, chocolate...

And why are you going to kill Temari-bitch?

Oh my God! Do you actually **like** PH?!

HOLY SHIT, THE APOCOLYPSE IS COMING!! YOU'RE NOT JUST SCREWING HIM MINDLESSLY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY _GETTING_ TO KNOW HIM! I'm really shocked. And so proud of you, Ino-pig!

-pinches cheeks-

Still hating you,

-Sakura

P.S- Are you sure he isn't a bum? And don't poke him with a stick, Ino, like you did to the last bum. I didn't like being chased down four blocks at traffic time.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: But he loves you!

Being the best friend I am, I have decided to relinquish all flirting rights over Sasuke and actually help you out. (Do not get warm and fuzzy on me, this is only happening because I am several hundred miles away and will not technically be seeing you).

Alright, so here's what I am going to have you do; the next time you see Sas—HIM, smile. Nicely.

Think you can handle that? Tell me what the results are.

I hope you enjoyed your pocky. Know that I was eating my own at the same time that you were.

And hey, I resent that screwing comment.

But yes, I suppose PH head and I are…_friends_. I know, I am surprised too. I am going to have to ride this bus thing more often.

And I have to kill this Temari girl since he is obviously involved with her and is attempting to play the loyal boyfriend _as we speak._

_And he is not a bum_, I just asked him. He said define 'bum,' so I asked if he was unemployed and he said no.

Okay, weird bulky has just squeezed past us an—

Oh my God, why is reaching into his pocket? Oh shit, Sakura, I think he's got a gu—

A sdfjkh

* * *

**A/N- Hola everyone, Missa here! FFN has just recently stopped being gay and has allowed us to post this. Huzzah! OKAY, so, if you've been on Ren's LJ lately, you've probably already read this, although I fixed some things up. Don't ask where this idea came from, it was induced from a sugar high from me at three (or was it five?) in the morning from me and probably just her normal new-story high at one for Ren. As always, reviews are always appriciated (and if you can guess who wrote who, you get a cookie). **


	2. Action2: Making a Move

A/N: Hey everyone! Ren here, (no, wait! Don't leave!) It's been a while, ja?

Don't all look so excited to see me, jeez.

Anywho, here's chapter two. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! (hinthint)

Disclaimer: _I_ don't own Naruto. And I don't THINK Missa does...IF she does I will be seriously ticked of because um, jeez. Holding out on me much?

**The Eccentric Files**

_Act2: Making Your Move_

From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: WHAT HAPPENED?!

INO, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! YOUR LAPTOP AUTOMATICALLY SENT ME THE REPLY, AND HE PULLED OUT A GUN?!

You better not be fucking dead, Ino! I started crying in History and HE was looking at me like I'm a psycho and Kurenai-sensei sent me to the nurse and now the nurse thinks I'm depressed and she kept glancing at my wrists and now I'm home AND I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU SO IF YOU DON'T REPLY TO THIS IN TWO DAYS I'M HUNTING YOUR ASS DOWN.

If you're not dead (which you better not be, Boar, or so help me Kami I am resurrecting you and there WILL be hell to pay) then he doesn't love me.

He _doesn't_! He can barely stand to be around me! I'm gonna faaaaail!

This is another reason why you can't be dead. I NEED YOU FOR THESE KINDS OF THINGS! And whenever I try to smile at him, he just glares at me (and that DOES _NOT_ MEAN HE'S UNDRESSING ME WITH HIS EYES!).

Two days, Yamanaka. Two days.

Still worried,  
Sakura

_**-The Diary of Ino Yamanaka-**_

May 5, 2007

Because fate has decided to hate me, yet again, there appears to be a hijacker on the bus. I don't know what he wants, or what he's doing, but I think we're in some really deep shit. I hope Sakura doesn't freak out; I slammed my laptop closed accidentally when the driver was shot.

Oh God, I--I can't believe it. He just...died. And, ugh, there's blood all over the floor and everyone is screaming and scared, (we aren't now, being properly threatened has shut all of us up,) and I don't...I don't know what to do.

This wasn't supposed to happen, I was supposed to stick around until graduation and set Sakura up with Sasuke--I mean 'Him.'

Well, I suppose I had plenty of chances. And it's not like I can really do anything now...

Okay, no. That's ridiculous; I'm not dead yet. Have to think like Sakura here--Mrs.I-am-always-good-in-a-crisis-it's-just-the-small-things-I-can't-deal-with. Apparently, bus-napping-guy has an accomplice, which is why we're all frozen, wondering where the sniper is.

It could be anyone--even pineapple-head or those grand parents.

So I'm going to have to figure out who it is, disable them, make sure no one is killed in aforementioned disabling, and over-power the bus driver.

Enemies:

-Hijacker  
-Unknown

Wounded/Dead:  
  
-Driver

Allies:

Okay, so that'd be none. Do I have any weapons? Almost all of my luggage is stored away on that freaky compartment in the bus--all I have right now is my laptop, some pocky and some make up. And a hair scrunchie.

Alright, I cannot do this. At all, like, even if I DID manage to figure out who the other person was, I'm probably one of the smaller people on this thing. Except for the toddler over there and maybe the grandparents.  
(They're still bigger; it's just that I don't start moaning in pain every time I attempt to stand up like they do. Arthritis must be a bitch.)

Need ally.

Can I trust PH? He doesn't seem like the bad sort of guy--he likes strawberry pocky after all...

Hmmn, this could be risky. Number One rule of being a girl is to NEVER trust your boyfriend. Then again, it's not like we're going out...

Ohmigod.

Are we FRIENDS?! Oh shit, no way. I DO NOT HAVE MALE FRIENDS. That's Sakura's forte. I do not do that 'nice' crap.

Still, he liked my music, ate my pocky, and I don't think he could be hiding a gun on him anywhere...

I will ask PH to join me in the quest-to-save-the-bus.

...Nnngh...Shut up brain, this is not the time for the mission impossible theme song!

Oh, and if I die and this journal is found, than everything goes to Sakura. Everything. You hear me girl? Sell it and go to med school--get out of that evil little town. You know you aren't suited for that 'nurse' crap, and eventually, your family will get over it.

And I hear Sasuke's going to college at Princeton. Follow him there babe, and write to me in heaven.

I'm going in. (Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to say that?)

--

**Haruno,**

**I'll meet you at the Laundromat after school--4 p.m. And stop ruining all of my clothing--it's annoying.  
**

**Not that I care, but what was so incredibly depressing that you had to blubber all over me? Some innocent pedestrian didn't just get mauled by a rabid freak, did they? **

Oh wait, that was me.

--Sasuke

--

Sasuke-kun,

Why the Laundromat? Are you gonna make me wash your clothes or something, as retribution for ruining your shirt that one day? I said I was sorry…

And you know, we probably shouldn't pass notes in class…

-Sakura

--

**Haruno, **

I was referring to the shirt I am wearing right now. The one you cried all over during lunch. (Do not do that again.)

You had better have an excuse.

And don't call me 'Sasuke-kun.'

--Sasuke

**P.S. Because learning about how to find the volume of a cone is so **_**intensely**_** difficult that it requires your full attention?**

--

Sasuke,

I have my reasons, and I'm sorry I cried all over you, but would you really care about my "excuse"

--Sakura

P.S. Yes, I suck at math—can YOU find the volume of a cone?

--

**I don't care. **

--Sasuke

P.S. Where's your friend Ino? She was supposed to help out with our geometry project, right?

**P.S. Like it matters.**

--

Sasuke,

Exactly. And I don't know where Ino is, so please don't ask me.

--Sakura

--

**Haruno, **

When is she going to be back then? Or am I stuck working with you for the rest of the semester? (Along with Naruto. But he's not going to work at all, so whatever.)

--Sasuke

--

Sasuke,

I don't know when, I don't know where she is; hell, I don't even know if she's alive.  
And you sound like working with me will be such a hassle. I'll do my work; you'll do yours, since you hate me so much.

--Sakura

--

**Sakura,  
**

**Alive? What the hell? Is that why you were crying? **

As if Yamanaka could be killed that easily. I don't believe it. She better hurry up and get back here.

--Sasuke

--

Sasuke,  
Maybe. Ino asked me not to tell anyone, and she hasn't been replying to my e-mails.  
I can't tell you, and frankly, I'd rather you forget about my crying.  
And since you've made it SO CLEAR THAT YOU DON'T CARE, why are you asking?

...I'm sorry. I'm just worried, that's all.

--Sakura

P.S- That's the first time you've called me by my first name...

--

**Sakura, **

I'll just assume that Yamanaka has done something stupid like running away and will not be joining us for the rest of the school year then. And I don't care, I just needed to know how our group is functioning.

And since you seem to think that Yamanaka has died simply because she has stopped answering your e-mails for...what, a day? I would appreciate it if you would let me know when she starts talking to you again, I would like to e-mail her the assignment. She is GOING to do her share of the work, no matter what drama has befallen her.

And don't give me that 'but-she's-dead!' crap. I was there when she bungee-jumped off the cafeteria roof and when she knocked the line-backer into a coma--she's not going to die over a faulty internet connection.

And what did you get for problem number four? It's in terms of pi, right?

--Sasuke

**  
P.S. I didn't say your name, I wrote it. And why is that such a big deal, may I ask?**

--

Sasuke,

Her last words to me were: Oh shit Sakura, I think he's got a gu-

So I do believe I have a reason to be worried about my best friend.

I got 47.

--Sakura

**--**

**Sakura, **

How the Hell did you get 47? It's a circle, the area of a circle is found by squaring the radius and multiplying it by pi. We have to leave this is standard radical form--there HAS to be pi in your number.

Poke Naruto. He's snoring again, and if the teacher catches him we're ALL going to be in trouble.

Since you are apparently convinced that your friend has just died, why don't you look up the police page on the internet or whatever. Or a news page--terrorist attacks are usually on those.

--Sasuke

**P.S. We're really screwed if you can't get your stupid friend to talk to  
you. She was the only one of us remotely good at math.**

--

Sasuke,  
Bite me. Aren't _you_ supposed to be the prodigy here? (Naruto, if you keep reading over my shoulder like that, I'm going to stab you in the eyeballs with my pencil. Yes. Good boy. Back away).

And don't you think I've already done that? There has been NOTHING so  
far.

--Sakura

--

**Sakura,  
**

**YOU were supposed to be SMART. YOU were the one who graduated with the  
highest GPA from junior high. **

And I'm seriously getting annoyed by all of this. Could you actually LOOK  
AROUND the next time you chuck a ruler at someone and maybe hit THEM and  
not  
ME?! Yes, I REALIZE that she insulted Yamanaka, but she was on the other  
side of the room from me. Kindly go to your nearest supermarket and purchase yourself a brain.

-Sasuke

--

Sasuke,

Okay, Mr. High-And-Freaking-Might, YOU'RE the prodigy here! I might have graduated at the top of the class, but you were second, and we were close, remember? Besides, Math has ALWAYS been my weakest point, vile thing that it is.

And I'm quite sorry, but I really didn't care WHO I hit. And you deserved that. I mean, C'MON. Kindly go to your nearest supermarket and purchase yourself a brain?

My cousin in second grade can come up with better comebacks than that.

--Sakura

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**The PDA of Nara Shikamaru**

The Will of Nara Shikamaru

**Choji can have whatever he wants. Unless Temari wants it, because there's no way he'll fight HER over my old lampshade.**

**Oh, and set my cat free, Choji. Preferably in Africa so a vulture will eat it or something.**

**Alright, it was nice knowing all of you. Have to go now because this key board is annoyingly small and some blonde girl wants to write out her will too.**

The Will of Yamanaka Ino

_Well, Sakura already knows this, but I want all of my stuff to go to her. So yeah, she gets everything, and she BETTER use it to get to college. Yeah, if some official person is reading this, you BETTER fund that girls way through that hell hole. _

_Because, you know what? In about twenty years you'll be dying from like cancer or whatever, and SHE'LL be the only person who has a chance of saving your sorry ass._

…_Where was I?_

_Oh, right; the assigning of my stuff. Well, whatever Sakura doesn't want or cant sell can go to…the hobos. Yes, the hobos. Because hobos need stuff so that they can add it to their random collection of stuff and carry it around and do…hobo-ish things…_

_Oh, actually, I give my music collection and pocky to PH. Also known as Nara Shikamaru, (The hell? He has a NAME!?) for keeping me company on the bus. Enjoy. Though I don't know you managed to survive and I didn't. (Ass hole, don't you know that you're always supposed to let the girl survive?_

_Sakura won't want my cat, so I guess dad will have to take care of it. Sorry for running out on you daddy. Hopefully you'll forgive me one day._

_Gotta go stop a bus-jacking now._

An Entry in the PDA of Nara Shikamaru

**How can that girl type so fast on these things?**

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: YOU SUCK!

You know, apparently, I kindamaybesorta need you around to shut my big trap.

I have just been the BIGGEST bitch to Sasu- him. I meant him. I just snapped at him and did all but tell him to go fuck off. Maybe I did; I can't remember I was so distraught. You'd be very proud of me, y'know, if you were alive. I also might need you since I started slobbering all over him in Chemistry when I got your e-mail.

...so now he hates me. Great. Just my freaking luck, huh pig? I really wish you were here, because I need someone to tell me how stupid I am. HE would be glad to, I'm sure, but I'm really not in the mood to put up with  
him right now, and ditto with me. Then again, I don't blame him.

Argh, fuck. Now my chances with him have been like, shot to hell, right Ino-chan? I know, it's been a while since I called you that, hasn't it? Well, no worries, since you're probably dead right now. Or maybe not, but I have no clue since you HAVEN'T BEEN E-MAILING ME BACK!

One more day, Yamanaka. That's all you get before I go GI Jane on everyone's ass.

-Sakura

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Angel4awhile

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Lollipops!

Hey forehead girl, sorry I've been MIA. I suppose I get to tell you about how I heroically saved the day now, right?

Don't look at me like that. I was seriously phenomenal.

Alright, so when I slammed my laptop shut, that was when the driver was shot. Yes, evil bulky guy whose-name-is-apparently-Larry shot the driver. It was...awful. He sort of bled everywhere.

So then of course, everyone started screaming, (except PH, he just woke up from his nap and looked confused) until Larry roared for everyone to shut up, that this was a hi-jacking, and that his accomplice was hidden somewhere on the bus. That it could be anyone.

We all shut up.

So, Larry started driving us out to--I don't know where. I wrote in my journal for a bit, and then wrote out my will on PH's PDA since I thought it was prudent to have a digital copy. And then we started trying to figure out  
who the accomplice was.

Actually, PH tried to figure out who the accomplice was. I alternatively ranted inside my head or just stared at PH who is AWFULLY sexy when he's concentrating.

There were twenty people on the bus, including Larry, PH and I. I was pretty sure that the grandparents weren't the culprits, since one of them was having a seizure-type-fit and the other was trying to calm them down. And  
I just KNEW PH wasn't it because...well...he's PH.

PH had a cell phone, so I dialed 911 while he pretended to make out with me in a final affectionate display. (You have no idea how much that freaked me out. I thought he was dry heaving on me until he gave me his phone.)

So after around thirty minutes, the cop cars started coming. Larry started being a potty-mouth and swerving around like a maniac, (he drove one poor police man into a ditch) and then after a while, he GRABED ME, STUCK A GUN TO MY HEAD AND YELLED THAT IF THE POLICE MEN DIDN'T LEAVE HIM ALOND, HE WAS GOING TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF.

I was, of course, very, very still.

And then PH, (that traitor) said, "You don't have anymore ammo."

Larry got all freaky and was like, "What do you mean? Of course I do!"

PH: "Actually, you don't. You want to drive this bus over a cliff or something; you only needed one bullet to kill the driver. Your partner's the one with the big guns, if you actually had any other shots, you'd have gone at the police men."

...DO NOT ANTAGONIZE HIM PH! I AM THE ONE WHO'S GOING TO BE IN PAIN IF YOU'RE WRONG!

And then PH dodged a bullet. I'm not even kidding you, he threw himself onto the floor a millisecond before some woman at the back fired her gun.

Because apparently, he had known someone was going to open fire at him. Apparently his entire speech had been designed for that.

Some big, burly guy tackled the woman, and I kneed Larry and then it was pretty much over.

Well, that was exciting. We have now confirmed that PH, (Shikamaru. Must remember that his name is Shikamaru,) is a genius.

I'm sorry I didn't e-mail you for like two days, but it took me a while to get to New York, I had to walk 10 miles before someone FINALLY gave me a ride. Unfortunately, this person was Shikamaru's 'Temari,' who was on the  
way to pick up her shnookums.

Would it totally freak you out to know that I'm stay with them right now?

Three's a crowd man. All the more reason for this Temari chick to GO.

--Love, Ino

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: What the hell do _lollipops_ have to do with anything?!

So that's why you haven't been e-mailing me? Because you've been too busy "heroically" saving the day and making out with PH and attempting to kill Temari?

If I wasn't so glad that you're alive, I would've tried to kill you. You're lucky, y'know, Ino-pig. Your deadline was today and I was about to make my way to New York. And I totally cannot believe you were checking out PH (Shikamaru, huh? I hope you're not gonna start calling him Deer Boy now...) whilst BEING HI-JACKED!

Shnookums...

You've gotta be kidding me. I would rather sprork out my eyeballs then ever call HIM that. Speaking of which, he's looking at me oddly again, since I started crying. I, uh, maybe told him that you're gone.

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT, OKAY?! I WAS DISTRAUGHT AND HE WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE SO I WAS A BITCH TO HIM BUT I WAS WORRIED AND HE...he kind of comforted me, in his own weird way.

...Do you think I should apologize to him, Pig?

(Oh, and poison this Temari's water. Or...uh, PUT HAIR DYE IN HER SHAMPOO BOTTLE! HELL YEAH! MAKE IT LIKE, BLUE OR GREEN OR SOMETHING!)

-Sakura (who is still going to kill you when she next sees you)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: GreenEyed07

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: I suck LOLLIPOPS! (Oh, I crack myself up...)

Yep! I survived my first hi-jacking. I am seriously jazzed. And I'm glad that you didn't try to hunt me down, because then you would have seen me crying all over the place. It was heroic crying but still--I was scared. Scared enough to cry on PH--SHIKAMARU'S chest while Temari was watching.

HA.

Oh dear, well, enough about the Ino crisis's, lets focus on yours. So, from what I can tell, you started crying after I sent you that one e-mail about him having a gun, and then being the delicate and feminine thing you are, you latched onto him. (Sneaky.)

And he was probably and ass and didn't know how to deal with a crying girl and shoved you off, am I right? And then after provoking you for a while to figure out why you cried on him, you snapped, and now he's sulking?

Ho-hum...

I suppose...you can warm up to him. Yes, I realize that he is your one true love and all that crap--I mean lovely romantic stuff--but do NOT apologize! We are playing hard to get. Just, I don't know, act more open and slightly friendlier. If you absolutely must apologize, here is your line:

"Hey, I'm sorry about the other day. I was kind of freaking out. It's cool, right?"

And then grin nervously. Practice in front of a mirror or something. And say this in front of Naruto, because you know that if Sasuke is an asshole again Naruto will thoroughly kick his ass for being mean to 'Sakura-chan.'

Yes, I am laughing at you. Quite the love triangle you have going there.

--Ino

P.S. How did SASUKE comfort you? Are you sure you aren't high?

P.P.S. I planted a playgirl magazine under her pillow. Let's see what happens when Shikamaru finds it...

To: Angel4awhile

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: That sounds so wrong...

...you were crying all over her boyfriend's chest while she watched?

Do you WANT to get yourself killed?! YOU CAN'T DIE NOW, DAMMIT! I CAN'T PASS HISTORY WITHOUT YOU!

No, I say we go back to Ino's crisis, because Sakura's crisis is too much for her to handle, especially at the level of embarrassment she went through due to HIM.

I, uh, well, I started crying into my hands, and he thought I was having an epileptic fit or something so he came over to see if I was dead and I, erm, sorta attacked him. And then proceeded to wail and sob all over his shoulder. I think I might've freaked him out, because he almost killed himself with whiplash he tried to pry me off him so fast.

After that I think I called him a jerk, and then proceeded to excuse myself from Hikugari-sensei (who allowed me to go to the bathroom, thank Kami) where I kept on crying. And then he threw a note at me, and I was all pissed at him so I, uh, kind of flipped out on him.

I've decided I'm not gonna apologize; he deserved to get his ass handed to him via note-form.

Naruto will stick up for me, but it's only because he loves me as a sister. And yes, he told me this, because guess what? He and Hinata-chan are now going out! It only took him like, four years to figure out that she's been in love with him since 7th grade. Oh, and Neji finally took that stick out of his ass and now he and Tenten are dating as well.

You and PH- erm, Shikamaru are...circling each other (and have already made out, damn you) Tenten-chan and Neji are together, Hinata-chan and Naruto are together, and Sasuke-kun hates me. _Fantastic_.

(Bite me, Ino. He DID kind of comfort me. He said that I was being stupid for believing you were dead.

(Oh Pig, it's days like this I'm glad to call you my best friend, you sneaky girl you).

—Sakura

To: GreenEyed07

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: This is further proof that you have a dirty mind

HAHAHA, THERE IS NOTHING SHE CAN DO ABOUT ME CRYING ON HER BOYFRIEND'S CHEST, FOR I WAS A TRAUMATIZED FEMALE.

Yes. I win.

You IDIOT, he did not think you were having an epileptic fit, (whatever the hell that is) he was OBVIOUSLY making sure that his glaring victim was okay! IT'S CALLED CONCERN--HE IS JUST IN DENIAL!

Really Sakura, you need higher self esteem. I mean, why WOULDN'T he dig you--I mean, fall in love with you?

And good job on not apologizing. You are right, because we are women and therefore automatically right. Do not defy my divine logic; I have been taking lessons from Neji.

And--Hinata and Naruto?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?! I feel so out of the loop and it's only been three days!

Tenten and Neji are easier for me to believe. I mean, he so obviously liked her. What with those 'private tutoring' sessions. Yeah, right. I'm sure they--ah, had several oral exams.

Actually, I haven't technically made out with PH. The first time I just wanted to wake him up, and he wasn't really a knowing participant. And that time on the bus doesn't count either since we weren't even kissing; he just sort of draped himself on me.

And Sasuke does not hate you!

You know what? I think it's time to pull out the big guns. Oh yes, it's time for...

Operation: Make-Sasuke-Jealous.

Muahahahahaha.

--Ino

P.S. Thanks, I like having you as a best friend too.

P.P.S. And by the way, how's the math project going? You only have about a month to get it finished, don't you?

P.P.P.S. I have a job. For the first time in my life. I work at McDonalds. Laugh and I will kill you.


	3. Action3: Operation Make Sasuke Jealous

**Disclaimer: Of course I own Naruto! Duh, can't you tell that my name is Masashi Kishimoto? I mean, _hello_, how freaking obvious is it? I totally own it. Not.**

From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: ARE YOU DOING DRUGS?!

Yeah. Denial. Riiight. He probably just wanted to make sure I was okay so that if I died they couldn't pin the blame on him. I can just see it now, him saying that, "Even in death, Haruno, you're still annoying."

...You talk to Neji? When the hell did that happen?

Whaaat? Hinata and Naruto are TOTALLY believable; you should see how adorable they look together. He carries her books for her in between classes, and in the classes that we share, he's always glancing at her. He'll also take her backpack from her after school, and he'll make sure she has lunch and stuff. It's...so sweet.

Haha, I know. I mean, it was obvious but most people were like, "Tenten and Neji? NO WAY!" But that was before some guy (some cocky freshman) smacked Tenten's butt, and Neji saw. I heard he's gonna be in the hospital for about two weeks.

...I honestly think you're doing crack, or weed, or some various form of drugs that make your brain resemble a splattered egg.

I mean, HONESTLY Ino. Make SASUKE, Mr. too-cool-to-talk-so-I'll-just-kill-you-via-glare, the guy who hates ALL females; you want to make him jealous over ME. The pink-haired girl with a big forehead?

Do they secretly drug your French-fries or something?!

There's no way that would ever work. Ever.

-Sakura

P.S- Yeah, it's due in a month. Oh, and Sasuke-kun still wants your half of the work.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: No, but I did hang out by the deep fryer for like three hours.

Oh Sakura, when Sasuke says 'annoying,' he REALLY means, 'Oh-my-god-you-are-the-angel-of-my-life-PLEASE-TAKE-ME-NOW!' And what the hell? WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO BELIEVE THAT HE COULD LIKE YOU?! You're a very attractive girl Sakura, and smart too. We might have some trouble getting you into Princeton since you only JUST squeeze by on math--but hey, Sasuke's going there on a sports scholarship/theater department.

And this is Sasuke, Sakura. How he ever got a scholarship for theater, I will never know. I mean, does he even have any expression? (I ask you because you are the resident Sasuke expert.)

But whatever, you're a great med, so we'll get you in somehow.

Ahhhh...the Neji encounter. I made a pact with him to never tell about that incident in which we had a conversation, (does screaming at each other count?) So I guess you'll just have to ask him!

...You might want to get Tenten to ask for you, actually.

I think I might have completely missed the Naruto/Hinata action. Honestly, why do I _always_ miss the good stuff?

And you don't have to worry your little---well...kind of--pink head about the SUPER-SECRET-PLAN-OF-DOOM Sakura! I'll take care of everything!

My advice to you for now; play hard to get. And, ah, open your eyes to other men.

--Ino

P.S. Do not work at McDonalds. Ever. This place is seriously hell on Earth. I need to find a friend so I can mock my supervisors with them.

P.P.S. Are you serious?! I RUN AWAY and SASUKE WANTS ME TO DO MY HOMEWORK!?

...I'm serious, OPEN YOUR EYES TO OTHER MEN. (That prick.)

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: ...I have no witty retort to that

Okay now I KNOW you're on drugs! Has that Temari bitch been offering you food and stuff? If she does, DO. NOT. TAKE. IT!

I know I'm a very attractive girl, blah blah blah, but not to HIM I'm not. I mean, Sasuke-kun could be GAY for all we know, what with the lack of attention he pays to his fan girls. I mean, any other guy would be thrilled to have girls throw themselves at their feet.

Sasuke-kun just tells them to go jump off a building.

See?! Besides, he's ALWAYS mean to me, he hates me. And I love him, but you know that saying, right? Everyone will always hurt you, but it's up to you to decide who's worth the pain. And, I mean, if he dislikes me so much, and is just an asshole in general... then maybe he really ISN'T worth it.

(Oh, and he's in drama. You'd be surprised at what Sasuke-ku-- Sasuke can accomplish when he wants to).

Yeah, asking Tenten to ask him is a good idea. Or maybe not, since their lips might be otherwise... ahem, engaged in other activities excluding talking. Unless...does moaning count as talking?

It was really rather frightening, catching them making out behind the stairwell. Can wash and wash and wash, and yet I'll never feel clean again. My eyes STILL burn.

And what other men do you suggest? I swear to God, if you set me up with yet ANOTHER pervert who's trying to already get into my skirt within the first five minutes, I am going to shove a Big Mac up your nose.

-Sakura

P.S- Wow, that sucks. Quit; go work in Dunkin Donuts! They have awesome coffee! Or Starbucks, perhaps?

P.P.S- Pig, this is SASUKE we're talking about. Are you HONESTLY surprised?

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Does this mean I win?!

Actually, Temari did give me some food. She gave it to Shikamaru also (LOOK! I HAVE STOPPED CALLING HIM PH! Am very proud of self) so I'm pretty sure it wasn't poisoned. And just in case she smeared some on the plate or whatever, I fed a little to his cat.

Yes, Shikamaru has a cat. I adore it. He refers to it as 'The Thing.' Temari calls it; 'EEK!' and I call it 'Mr. Butters.'

Mr. Butters is a lovely cat. Pale yellow, white stomach, and one red eye, one green eye. Apparently, his eye has a burst blood vessel. Shikamaru picked him up off the streets a couple years ago--or something. Wait, no, his roommate did, and Shikamaru got stuck with him.

Temari hates cats. This is because Mr. Butters/The Thing/EEK! likes to bite Temari, pee on her clothes/bed/whatever and will basically just trip her up whenever it can.

I love Mr. Butters. We get along very nicely. (If you snigger at me and start calling me a cat freak again, I will hurt you.)

Oh, Sakura, he said something bitchy again, didn't he? You know what? This is just further proof that he wants to shag your brains out. I mean, date you. Ahem.

Because, OBVIOUSLY, Sasuke just doesn't know how to deal with people he likes/appreciates.

Naruto, for example, is his best friend. Naruto, obviously, has to put up with a lot of Uchiha hissy-fits.

And where is all this insecure, wishy-washy crap coming from? You have to FIGHT for him, Sakura! DO NOT GIVE UP!

After all, O.M.S.J. has only just begun!

I am curious about this Sasuke-in-drama thing. Have you ever seen him perform? Are you sure you aren't lying?

What period class does he have drama, anyway?

...Never mind, his schedule is online. Same time you have Home Ec. apparently--AKA the-useless-class-of-shit.

Work was slightly better today. Have become sort of-friends with this red-headed kid and his older brother. Will talk about them more when I know them better.

Love,

—Ino

P.S. And I WOULD work somewhere else, but I need the money, I feel bad about crashing at PH's. I'm going to rent one of his rooms. (HAH, genius I am.)

P.P.S. And I am NOT going to set you up--what are you talking about? _You_ are the one who's been nipping at the scotch lately, not me. As if I would set you up with anyone.

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Want a hot girlfriend?

You know you do. And you owe me a favor anyway.

Anyway, you remember Sakura right? Would you mind terribly if you dated her for a while? Keep it light and casual, it's just a friends-with-benefits relationship basically. But be nice to her, give her presents and crap, and for GOD'S SAKE, do NOT even go NEAR her skirt.

Thanks, love you!

--Ino

* * *

To: Uchiha723 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Math

I hear you've been harassing my friend. Sakura might be too naïve to overlook this flirting as aggression, BUT I'M ON TO YOU, SASUKE!

Anyway.

About the math project, I realize that the two of you, (we'll just ignore Naruto because...well...) are not exactly the math geniuses of the class. However, you DO need a good grade this quarter if you want to get that Princeton Scholarship.

Yes, I used to stalk you. We're moving past that.

Anyway, I can't exactly do my work, seeing as I'm not there. I'll try to answer questions and stuff, but don't expect much.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I'LL BE SURE TO BRING MY TEXTBOOKS THE NEXT TIME I DROP OUT.

Much love, and try to suppress that raging sex-drive of yours,

—Ino

* * *

To: xxIris'xxOfxxAmberxx 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Hello

Hey, it's Ino Yamanaka. About my attendance, I have a reason for having left school. I took the exit exam before I left, of course, though I hadn't been planning on leaving at the time. I apologize if my abrupt departure has caused any inconvenience to you or any of the staff. If you see my father, please tell him I'm fine. I tried to call him yesterday, but the phone must have been unhooked, and he doesn't know how to work a stop watch, much less a computer or e-mail.

The reason for my leaving can be seen by looking over the attached medical report. I might come back for the next grade, if I've figured things out by then.

Now then, on to business.

First off, I want you to switch one of my friends and your student, Haruno Sakura, out of her Home Ec. class and into Drama II. Sakura has about a million siblings; I think she knows how to get a stain out of some clothing by now. Also, by putting her in drama, I think that her self confidence and ability to perform under moderate pressure would increase.

Sakura, as you know, is probably one of the most brilliant students attending the public school system right now. She does have some issues she needs to work on, but it's well known to both you and I that she would make an amazing doctor. I would really appreciate it if you would keep an eye on her, and make sure that her family doesn't guilt her into becoming some sort of trapped old maid who is forced to work her younger siblings through college.

Also, I still have those tapes from one of your earlier experiences with alcohol. Should I find that Sakura has not transferred classes, I could make said tapes public knowledge.

With the school's board of directors.

I hope you have a lovely school year.

Sincerely,

—Ino Yamanaka.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Haha, fat chance Pig

...YOU FED IT TO HIS CAT?!

Y'know, for someone who adores Mr. Butters so much, you don't seem to mind giving him perhaps-poisoned food.

I do believe I like this cat already, if he obviously dislikes Temari. I believe it's you, only it cat form, Ino. He also sounds very adorable. You're not gonna try and take THAT one home too, are you? I think your dad's a little tired of cats.

No, he was just his usual cold self. AND FOR THE LAST EFFING TIME, INO, UCHIHA. SASUKE. DOES. NOT. LIKE. ME!

(Nor does he want to shag my brains out. Nice thought, but no).

...you make a very valid point. In fact, you sound...smart. Kami-sama, P-- Shikamaru must be rubbing off on you! Somebody better alert the presses! But I'm tired of fighting for someone who won't fight for me. I'll do this whole date thing, because I am going to attempt to get over him, since, well, he DOESN'T like me. Well, much, anyway. Like, in that sense. He only likes me when I give him answers.

I, well, uhm, might've cut a few Home Ec. classes to watch him perform. Just a couple of times, though. Not that, y'know, I actually need to attend H.E. classes, since I've known how to sew since...6th grade, was it? Oh well, whatever. He really is rather magnificent when he's performing...

Red head, huh? And his older brother?

Are they hot? Wait, how long have you been there, anyway? A week? ...wow, it's been a long time since you last got laid, hasn't it? Jeez, miracles CAN happen!

-Sakura

P.S- I still say Dunkin Donuts. The people there are cool. Better than flipping burgers and making minimum wage. Besides, I know you like the smell of coffee more than you enjoy the smell of grease.

P.P.S- ...you're trying to set me up with someone, aren't you?

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: Do I LOOK gay to you?

Haruno Sakura? Pink hair and green eyes? Yeah, I remember her; she was hot. Very nice girl, too.

...uhm, sure. So wait, you want me to ask her out? But what about Uzumaki? That's like, her older brother. He might kill me. Not to mention the Uchiha. I think he's already staked her out as his own...

Oh well, she sounds single. Sure, I'll ask her out tomorrow. Besides, Sakura is your complete opposite; the only girls skirt I ever got into that I know well is YOURS, Ino.

Yes yes yes, love you too.

-Kiba

* * *

To: GreenEyed07

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: ONE DAY, SAKURA. ONE DAY!

That cat and I are soul mates. Except, you know, one of my eyes isn't all weird and disgusting. But seriously, we have bonded, for I rubbed his ears for about an hour, fed him some tuna, and saved him from Temari's thrown magazine of impending doom.

Please, as if some poison could kill a cat. Obviously, I was relying on its superior senses of smell to save me! Plus the fact it has nine lives.

...Leave me alone, I have a lot of faith in this animal, okay? You would like him too, I'll send some pictures when I can.

(I KNEW IT, I KNEW 'INNOCENT LITTLE SAKURA' WANTED SOME SHAGGING ACTION!)

(PH is defending you, BTW. I explained the situation to him.) (Don't worry, I didn't say that it was YOU, or HIM) But anyway, he's saying that the Ice Prick, (my new name for him) obviously has the hots for you. But I am supposed to leave you alone.

Whatever, PH. I mean Shikamaru. Just drink the coffee I made for you. (Yes, I know. I made coffee. This is quite the achievement, since I can barely boil water without something exploding. Thank you for all your little lessons, it's the only reason Micky D's hasn't fired me yet.)

Well, so long as you don't give up on Sasuke, (because you are not ALLOWED to give up, dammit! WE DO NOT GIVE UP!) I think it's good for you to date. Very good. Clear your head a little.

And, you know, successfully goes through with the first phase of O.M.S.J.!

...Do you know how miserable I feel when I hear that you are cutting class to watch him perform? Do you KNOW how tragically beautiful that sounds? Like seriously, I am kind of sniffing. Oh, lovely, Shikamaru is getting me some Kleenex. So thoughtful!

He just told me to not get snot all over his kitchen table. I take back all the nice things I have said about him thus far.

The red-head and his brother are...amusing. Gaara and Kankuro are their names, respectively. We are planning to overthrow our McDonalds, and have nicknamed our manager, 'The Burger King.'

Because, there is no greater treason than a McDonalds employee buying food from Burger King. I hear that the staff at the M.D.'s work at has some sort of competition with the Burger King down the street every year.

...How...weird. And strangely hilarious.

Augh, I think I'll give the whole guys scene a bit of a rest for now. Shikamaru seems like he's going to take some time, anyway.

But I will win!

Yes, I have my scary game face on. The one that makes Hinata stutter and Tenten obsessively sharpen her pencils until they're like, razor sharp. (I worry about that girl. Really, what on Earth is she doing?)

Love and cat licks,

--Ino

P.S. Well, I'll work on Dunkin' Doughnuts. And uh, you FRY doughnuts, Sakura. Hee-hee. The pink-head had a blond moment!

P.P.S. You are way too suspicious. Like you _need_ any help getting set up with someone. Guys will be tripping over themselves for a chance to date you.

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: I assure you, you are the very epitome of masculinity.

Thanks, Kiba! You're a doll, really. And yes, that's Sakura, (the pink hair makes it rather easy to find her--which is good considering she's so damn short.) so go for it.

Yes, ask her out, please. Preferably casually, after making some nice conversation for a day or two. She's a very sweet girl--just...ah, don't mention any flaws you might find. I'm working on her insecurity issues.

Naruto's got Hinata now, (whom you were having fun brothering) so it should be good. And Sasuke? ARE YOU SERIOUS?! HE 'MARKED HER OUT!?' OH MYGOD, DO TELL!

He won't stop you, since he's got such a flipping case of denial it's not even funny. And Naruto... well, you're buddies with him, right? Ask his permission to date her or something--he'll like that.

But seriously? I took your virginity?

I feel ridiculously pleased.

Once again, be nice to her. More of a friend thing, since it's probably going to break off if everything goes according to plan. You'll have fun, I promise.

And no lecturing me on being nosy. I know I am. And I am ALLOWED to scheme, it's for the mutual benefit of everyone assembled!

Ta!

--Ino

P.S. DO NOT, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES SHE ASK, ADMIT TO ME SETTING THIS UP!

P.P.S. I taped some pocky to the back wall of Akamaru's dog house for you before I left. Enjoy:.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Maybe when hell freezes over...

You bonded with PH's cat...

...yeah, that's just a _little_ pathetic. Awww, pictures!

Tell PH that your stupidity is rubbing off on him, obviously. I mean, Sasuke DOES NOT like me. How many times must I explain this? And you know what, if YOU think he likes me so much, then name some moments where he actually acted nice(r) to me!

See? I'm good for something! Mmm, coffee... though hopefully you didn't poison PH's. Since I don't think Temari would ever poison her "shnookums".

Pig, you feel too much. But you have to see him perform. It's like he's a whole different person. And PH is back in my good graces. I can't believe you're sort-of crying over such a stupid issue.

The Burger King? Competitions? ...you sure do know how to pick 'em, Boar.

Well, at least if some pervert ever tries to make (another) move on Tenten, and Neji isn't around, she can stab them in the eyeballs with said razor-sharp pencils.

-Sakura

P,S- I KNEW THAT!

P.P.S- I'm suspicious because I know you, Ino

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Damn right I am!

I'm a doll? You know, for someone who was just assuring me that I am "the epitome of masculinity" you certainly aren't acting like it.

I prefer, "You're a handsome, dashing male, ravage me on the floor now," thanks.

Well, alright, that shouldn't be too hard. And what do you mean, insecurity issues? ...she's not gonna like, throw up after she eats, right? Or like, throw herself into my arms sobbing every five minutes, right?

Yeah, he marked her out. Well, you know what I mean. Like, (and this is from Tenten, because I only noticed like once, but apparently he's done it tons of times) sometimes whenever he looks at her, his eyes get, and I quote from Tenten, "really soft, like how a boyfriend in love looks at his girlfriend". And when Sakura was mad at him, he couldn't stop looking at her. He looked angry, too, and at first I thought it was at her, but then I realized that it wasn't. Don't ask me how, it was just this kind of facial expression he did. It was pretty subtle, but it looked like he was more angry at himself, for some unfathomable reason.

So I'm guessing that I'm just dating Sakura until the Uchiha can pull that textbook from his ass and realize he likes her?

Okay, cool. She's a nice girl and all, but I don't think we could date like, long-term. But you're confusing me, Ino. Let me get this straight: you want us to date, but have me treat her like a friend would? Alright, even better. I suppose I should kiss her in front of Sasuke then...? Since he's drowning in denial and stuff.

-Kiba

P.S- Uh, okay...

P.P.S- Sweet! Thanks, Ino.

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Does it seem a bit chilly to you?

Whatever, Sakura. You're just jealous because I have a cat to bond with!

Okay, moments when Sasuke was nice to you...

Incident one: in seventh grade, when you got hit over the head with the baseball bat when you were playing umpire, you got knocked out, and won't remember this, (and for the fifteen millionth time, I AM NOT LYING!) he, (who was playing first baseman) totally tripped up the runner. ON PURPOSE, I TELL YOU!

Incident two: That one time when you made cake and ran into the building and got it all over your shirt? Yes, I seem to recall him asking if you were okay before launching into his watch-where-you're-going tirade.

Incident Three: The whole comforting you when I was supposedly dead.

SEE?! HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN CLAIM TO THOSE THINGS HAPPENING TO THEM!?

And my coffee was GOOD, thankyouverymuch.

...But hee-hee, we are never going to let that 'shnookums' thing go.

And honestly, why is it that I managed to pick the ONLY McDonalds with an evil dictator for a manager and screwed up fast-food contests?

Tenten might be onto something with the razor sharp pencils...

Love,

--Ino

P.S. Sure you did.

P.P.S. That hurts Sakura, really.

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDay 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: You handsome, dashing male, take me now.

Alright, I take back the doll comment. Although, what about G.I. Joe? He's a doll!

Sakura's insecurities are nothing so drastic. They're very subtle, just some self put-downs and a lack of confidence in some areas. Don't worry, I'm not giving you the emotional train wreak.

Well, the whole marking-her-out-thing is, while incredibly sexist, a good sign.

But still, if she has no idea what's going on, then he obviously didn't make enough of an effort.

Yes, you have the dating profile down. Casual, nice, joke-y. You know, it'll be easy for you. And yes, by all Gods, kiss her in front of Sasuke. Though wait for a week or two so she doesn't think that YOU think that's SHE'S easy.

La, have fun! (And go get her!)

--Ino

P.S. Thank God. At least SOME PEOPLE know how to shut up.

P.P.S. You're welcome. And Akamaru's bone is taped to your roof. The story of how I got up there shall remain one of the untold horrors of this world.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: It's 80 degrees out, babe

My teddy bears can kick Mr. Butters's ass any day.

1) He probably didn't do it on purpose. They might've just tripped over their own big feet. And Naruto already told me that Sasuke was the ONLY person who didn't come over to see how badly I was hurt. Yeah, he REALLY cares, Ino.

2) You must be delusional. Sasuke NEVER asked me if I was okay, he just glared down at me coldly. Plus, he totally freaked out on me when I stood up and the cake ended up on HIS shirt.

3) It probably was just because he didn't want me ruining another one of his shirts.

Oh, definitely not. I mean, c'mon. SHNOOKUMS?! I'm surprised PH doesn't like, kill her. I'll never be able to stop laughing. Is Temari pretty?

I'm pretty sure most McDonalds are like that. You know Mr. Tsukinchi, the manager at the MD's by us? Yeah, he almost ran me over with his car a couple of days before when I was crossing the street, then gave me the finger.

Such a shame he lives a couple houses away from me. Hmm, I wonder who it was that messed up the NEW paint job on his brand new car...

-smiles innocently-

-Sakura

P.S- I DID!!

P.P.S- Good.

P.P.P.S- Hmm, now that I just remembered, somehow, I got transferred out of Home Ec. and into Drama II. Any idea how that one happened, Ino?

P.P.P.P.S- Another thing that I just remembered: remember Inuzuka Kiba? He wants to hang out with me later. Weird, huh? He actually looks pretty cute...

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: Don't even tempt me

HE'S AN ACTION FIGURE!

Alright, well, she's a typical human. She's not going to ask me every five seconds if she looks fat in this dress, though, will she? I doubt it, since I started talking to her today. You didn't tell me so was so hot. Damned Uchiha, he gets all the good stuff.

Sakura? Haruno Sakura? Easy? Are we talking about the same person?

-Kiba

P.S- I don't think I wanna know how THAT happened...

* * *

Sakura, 

Is it just me, or is the sensei's hair falling off?

No, seriously. Look closely at his right ear--I swear there's a rubber band looped around it. Our teacher, our fat, obnoxiously dull teacher, is also bald.

Why does this fact delight me so much?

--Kiba

P.S. This would be very awkward if said teacher caught me passing this and read it aloud. Well, shit.

* * *

Kiba, 

...holy Kami-sama, you're right! This has just like, made my day; I hate this sensei.

It could be just because he's a jerk who needs to get his face slammed in? Although that might've already happened. He looks an awful lot like a pug, have you ever noticed that?

--Sakura

P.S- That would _suck_. But I'd have to laugh at you, sorry.

* * *

Sakura, 

Glad to have been of service. I hate him too. Of _course_ it's our luck to have gotten the really _sucky_ history teacher.

The 'gifted and talented' system is obviously screwed up. You know, the only reason why we got stuck with el baldie is because we're the only kids who'll have a prayer of BSing our way through the standardized tests.

...Did he just say that the British WON the Revolutionary War?

You need to call him on that. Please. I want to see him fall. (Yes, this is sadistic and wrong. I do not care--he is blatantly stupid and wouldn't let me sleep through class.)

I'd point it out, but that would mean shattering my perfectly groomed reputation as a slacker. Everyone already knows you're smart--you're safe to go.

--Kiba

P.S. I'm bringing you down with me--your name's on the paper.

* * *

Kiba, 

Stupid Murphy's Law.

I know how **I** got into G&T, but how did you do it, Mr. oh-so-wonderful-slacker?

You know, he looked rather like the cross between a pug AND a goldfish when I told him the truth. Mmm, listening to him stutter out an, "Well, yes Miss Haruno, you're correct, my mistake, terribly sorry," was like sweet music to my ears. Oh, shiny silver lining.

...you just don't like him because he won't let you sleep.

I, well, uhm, I'm pretty sure you're smart too. After all, you ARE in G&T.

-Sakura

P.S- You suck. Evil bastard.

* * *

Sakura, 

You wound me. Honestly, is it really that hard to believe that I am secretly a genius underneath my slacking exterior? Obviously, you don't buy it.

You would be right, then.

I just have abnormally good luck. I fill in the little bubbles, AND BAM, I somehow end up in here.

Our teacher DOES have some rather fascinating expressions. I think we should tape him someday. And then send in the video to 'scariest home movies.' We'd win billions.

And that was gold. I love it when the authority figures are wrong.

You're right, I hate the bastard. The sad thing is, I actually used to LIKE history. Back in the day when we got to hear about all the mad-axe murderers. I mean, the battles.

You want to watch the history channel with me after school? Yes, I watch the history channel. Tell anyone and I will...um...

I'll get back to you on that threat.

But anyway. Yes. History channel?

--Kiba

P.S. Oh stop it, you're making me blush!

* * *

Kiba, 

Of course I'm right! You called me smart, remember?

What?! Lucky. Well, I'm glad you did, since I now have someone to talk to.

We'd have some tough competition, but I'm sure that the minute they see The Pug Man, they'll be running for the hills at his ugliness. Hell, they'll pay us NOT to show such a terrible sight on television.

I'm guessing that that means you like horror movies as well?

Oh, your threat is so scary!

Not.

Of course I'll watch the History Channel with you. Just because this maddeningly boring teacher sucks doesn't mean that history isn't fun to learn.

I'm rather proud of my dorkiness, thanks.

-Sakura

P.S- If you're _honestly_ blushing, you'll NEVER hear the end of it. NEVER.

* * *

Sakura, 

Stop using my words against me. I have a short term memory, it's very cruel.

Thanks, I feel loved. And you'd have someone to talk to--you could talk to el baldie! After all, you can correct him almost every time he opens his mouth.

I guess the public isn't ready for the sight of our teacher. You're right, these things are best kept in high school to torture small children with.

Horror movies scare the crap out of me. I have to sit in the middle of a well lit room after watching them. Preferably with several other people. And my dog. And several easily accessible exits.

Sweet! I have a history channel buddy! They have a special on Friday; you want to make fun of our founding father's fake wigs with me?

And you should be proud of dorkiness. It's very endearing.

--Kiba

P.S. Of course not REALLY, I have a reputation to protect, after all!

* * *

Kiba, 

I can't help it if sometimes my genius-ness is too much for you to handle.

And as appetizing as that thought sounds, I do believe I'll have to skip out on that. Fourty minutes is more than enough for me; anymore and I think I'd have to rip out my eardrums from hearing him drone on continually.

That would be funny, except that WE'RE the small children. Woe is us!

Haha, you WIMP. I love horror movies with a fierce passion. I find it hilariously funny, since almost all horror movies are the same. Yes, I'm a masochist, I know, but C'MON. The people in those movies are so stupid it's laughable.

Of course! My favorite is the one on World War II. Hitler could possibly be uglier than The Pug Man. What do you think?

Endearing, huh? Do you mean that you find my inner nerd endearing?

-Sakura

P.S- Oh, you're such a male! Stupid men and their pride.

* * *

Sakura, 

...I think you just called me stupid. So, HEY!

I think I might have to call him out one of these days. I mean, just to totally freak everyone out. Because there will be absolutely NO respect left for him if it is found out that KIBA is smarter than he is.

I cackle with joy.

...Can you turn on the air conditioning? The dial's only a little ways away from where you sit, and I really want to see his wig fly off. Please? He's RIGHT NEXT to that ventilation duct.

No way man, I'm a big boy now!

Well, I guess I'll just have to watch a horror movie with you one day. So I can prove to myself that a five-foot-tall girl is not braver then me. (Which is probably true, but I like lying to myself. Also, I need to cling to someone if the hairy monsters come out of the ceiling like they do in The Grudge.)

He _is_ one ugly evil dictator. I had a gold fish named Hitler. He was named because of the black speck above his upper lip. He died when my Jewish grandmother came to visit. She didn't know about the fish's name, and was very offended when I ran into the room, crying that Hitler was dead. (I was very young, alright? I don't...blubber...like that anymore!)

Sure, your inner nerd is very cute.

--Kiba

P.S. FINALLY, SOMEONE ACKNOWEDGING THAT I'M A GUY!

P.P.S- Okay, one question: Is GI Joe an action figure or a doll?

* * *

Kiba, 

Nope, I wasn't calling you stupid; well, not really.

It'd be a very sad day in Teacher land if YOU showed up one of the teachers. Since they all think you're this lazy kid with more brawn than brains.

Okay, I did it. Better? It WAS a little hot in here.

Mhmm, right. Okay, I look forward to watching that movie with you. Have you ever seen The Messengers? I'll watch that with you; there are these bodies that jerk as they crawl along the ceiling. And yes, you WILL watch it.

...I didn't know you were Jewish. Woah, you named your GOLDFISH Hitler?! I hope you didn't have any other fishes... And of course you don't. You've got too much pride, stupid men.

Aw, that makes me want to give you a hug.

-Sakura

P.S- Well, you certainly don't look like a female. Unless you've got a pair of...female assets and you're just hiding them on me.

P.P.S- Technically, he's kind of both. Since action figures are just the more manly word for doll, but we'll go with the former for this one.

* * *

Sakura, 

Stop passing notes with Kiba. Everyone in the general vicinity, (except the teacher, of course) has noticed and are now muttering that the two of you are either a) dating or b) conspiring to take over the world. It's kind of distracting.

...And the teacher's hair just blew off.

----Sasuke

* * *

Sasuke, 

Uhm, we're not dating (at least, I don't _think_ so) and B...

Well, maybe. That one has some DEFINATE possibilities.

...wow. Kiba DID actually do the dare then. Huh, guess he's taking me out Sunday then.

--Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

I thought you said that the two of you weren't dating. How is it, that he's taking you out on Sunday then? Your logic is hard for us sane people to follow.

--Sasuke

P.S. What do you mean dare? Did you dare Kiba to yank his hair off like that?

* * *

Sasuke, 

We're not dating... I think. He's just taking me out Sunday, like out for...I dunno, movies and dinner I guess. He wouldn't tell me, just said that it was a surprise.

I'm not insane! Kiba said I was brilliant. Oh, wait...Hitler was smart and crazy. Damn.

-Sakura

P.S- Nope. I dared him to do something crazy to the teacher (it's in the notes Kiba and I passed to each other, and no, you can't see those) and he said that if he did, he could take me out Sunday. If he didn't, he would be my slave for the week, and I could do ANYTHING I wanted to him. ANYTHING.

* * *

Sakura, 

You do know that 'surprises' often lead to 'date rape,' right? And here I was, thinking that you were smart.

And why should you care if Kiba thinks you're smart? Yes, bravo Kiba, your wondrous powers of deduction never cease to amaze me. Sakura is a genius you say? Fancy that--never would have guessed. She only has the highest GPA in the school.

What the hell does Hitler have to do with anything?

--Sasuke

P.S. Again, date rape. He would probably wait around until you were helping out at a garage sale and say something like, 'can you help me carry my junk?' and then purposefully misunderstand.

You shouldn't trust that guy. He acts like a dog.

* * *

Sasuke, 

I think he meant surprise as in, y'know, taking me to my favorite place and stuff. Or wait, the Konoha Carnival is in town, right? And Kiba knows how much I love those rides. Perhaps he's taking me there. You think I'm smart? Because, I can recall you always calling me stupid. You MAKE me feel stupid too.

I care because it's NICE. You know, it's a nice thing; a kind of warm, fuzzy feeling to...never mind. You don't care how I feel, do you?

If you read closely, you would've understood about that whole Hitler thing.

--Sakura

P.S. You know, if you had more hormones (and perhaps liked females) I would have pegged you for that whole date-rape thing. Although girls practically beg you to rape them ANYWAY, so I suppose you wouldn't need any drugs. You'd just have to give them that smoldering look and they'd be all over you.

* * *

Sakura, 

Well, if you really trust him so much, then I guess it's okay. Just make  
sure he doesn't blind fold you on the way to said 'surprise.' And try to stay  
in an area where there are a lot of people.

I don't think you're smart, I know you are. What YOU are is naïve. And overly trusting.

Not everyone is as nice as they appear Sakura, keep that in mind. ALWAYS  
keep that in mind.

---Sasuke

P.S. What the hell? 'Smoldering look?'

* * *

Sasuke, 

You're questioning my intelligence?! I'll be able to fend for myself if all of Kiba's blood somehow travels to his groin, thanks.

And I am NOT overly trusting, damn you! You're just mad because now that I am kindasortamaybe involved with Kiba, so you no longer have someone to entertain yourself by glaring at them, since I'll be too focused on Kiba to allow those glares to affect me.

That could also apply to you, Sasuke.

AND UCHIHA SASUKE STOP GLARING AT KIBA LIKE YOU WANT TO REMOVE HIS MANHOOD! The next time I see you give him such a murderous look, I'll... I won't give you the answers to the Geometry homework! Honestly, I think you're hanging out with Naruto too much; you're being awfully overprotective.

Look at Kiba like that again (and don't think I didn't hear that muttered whisper of, "Leave her the fuck alone, Inuzuka.") and there WILL be hell to pay.

-Sakura

P.S- You have these dark, obsidian eyes. Every time you look at a girl, they feel like they're drowning, but in a good way. Well, unless you're glaring at them. But whatever, it still affects us.

* * *

Sakura, 

HOW exactly would you 'fend him off?' You have some mace right? Because if you don't, then you are even more naïve then I thought.

'Glaring partner?' I do not glare at you. I do not even interact with you. We are very separate from each other. I have no idea where you're getting these ideas.

'Too focused on Kiba to pay attention to me?' So, you're going to turn into one of those evil, possessed girls who is only concerned about her boyfriend and nothing else? That's really, REALLY annoying.

And I do not hang out with Naruto too much. We are merely conveniently associates who happen to spend time together occasionally. I am not being overprotective, I have nothing to protect. It's not like we're friends or anything.

I didn't whisper anything to Kiba. Your obviously infatuated mind is melting and causing a malfunction in your ears.

Your threat would be much more terrifying if YOU actually KNEW the answers to the geometry homework. We're partners, we have to build that goddamn castle together. (And find the volume, surface area, etc.)

Don't let the dog affect your work, by the way.

--Sasuke

P.S. You do know how odd that sounds, right? You aren't talking to one of the evil fan girls for that sort of frightening material, are you?

P.P.S. I was not glaring.

* * *

Sasuke, 

Uhm, DUH. Plus, I fight rather well.

YOU'RE GLARING AT ME RIGHT NOW, YOU BASTARD! And don't even deny it, you save those Goddamn-She's-So-Annoying glares just for me.

Oh, _ew_. HELL NO! I hate those kinds of girls too. All I'm saying is that we won't get to argue via notes anymore. Not that you'd care, since we're not friends. So since we're not, I see no reason to talk to you, if you're going to be such a dick.

-Sakura

P.S- Yeah, riiight. You could probably make a lesbian go straight with those eyes.

P.P.S- You totally were.

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: How goes it?

Hey darling! I mean, 'hello-my-macho-man.'

I haven't heard from you since yesterday. I hope that you and Sakura are getting along, I thought you would. You both like making fun of stuff and watching nerdy shows--I mean the history channel.

This, by the way, is highly addictive. I took your advice and watched it the other day. Was unable to move for three hours, (which is how long the show was.)

Anyways, have you gotten her to agree to go out on a date with you? Do something fun, preferably where there are a lot of people and in a bright area. I have this odd feeling that Sasuke's going to subtly make her paranoid.

How's he reacting, by the way? Jealous I hope?

Really, really hope. Sakura's in his drama class now, so HOPEFULLY they'll start to hit it off. Or maybe a spotlight will fall on his head and he'll die. Either way, our problems are solved.

Let me know how it's going!

--Ino

P.S. And of course she's pretty! She hung out with ME for ten years, what do you expect? ;)

P.P.S. Sakura has a phobia about being seen as easy. She reacts rather violently to what she deems 'inappropriate touching.'

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: Sasuke knows

The Uchiha knows about Sakura and I.

I am _so_ fucking screwed.

* * *

**A/N- Chapter three is le up . This chapter is well over 7,000 words. Obviously Ren and I need to find something else better to do other than sit and type e-mails/notes one after another for hours at a time. Anyway, Missa hasn't been doing so hot this week, blargh. It's almost three am, I'm exhausted, hungry, have just gotten asked out by my best friends ex-boyfriend, and to add it all up, I'm also sick. Gee, thanks dad. Whoever said the quote, "Sharing is caring," must've been high on something. Well, at least I'm going to Bamboozle Sunday!**

**Oh, and to SakuraDouble: Well, we got it up within the week! Plus, it's REALLY long. So Ren wants to know if this allows us to score two one-shots.**

**Hope you all enjoyed the chapter, and remember, comments are love.**


	4. Action4: Wrath of the Siblings

**A/N:** Hey guys, it's Ren again!

Okay, I only just now realized that I forgot to officially tell everyone who was writing who. Well, I, (Renalin) write Ino. HPBabe91 writes Sakura. All of you who guessed right--excellent job and we love you. Everyone who guessed wrong...

Well, you can go live in a garbage can with Oscar. (Kidding, we love you too and you still get a cookie.)

We cranked out another ridiculously long chapter-- over 8,000 words this time. Out of control man, absolutely ridiculous.

Now then--Can you guess who writes Kiba/Sasuke/Shikamaru?

**Disclaimer:** We do not own Naruto. Yet. This will all change in August when we abduct Kishimoto.

I mean, when we meet him for tea.

**The Eccentric Files**

_Act4: Wrath of the Siblings_

From: Ino  
To: Sakura  
Subject: Sakura has a boyfriend!

Before I rant about how you cute you and Kiba are, let me just address one thing...

You STILL have a TEDDY BEAR? Dear God, Sakura. There's a difference between cute and pathetic. (And Mr. Butters would rip the stuffing out of that thing.)

About the Sasuke incidents...

1) Sakura, Sasuke does not allow himself to display concern. But do you honestly think that he just HAPPENED to let the bat slip when he was swinging--causing it to fly CLEAR ACROSS THE FIELD and hit the your assailant in the face? Yeah, that was not an accident. That was a freakish display of inhuman accuracy--I mean, he was getting revenge for you.

2) Whatever man, he didn't look that angry to ME. Trust me, Sasuke flips out over EVERYTHING.

Ino: "Why, hello there, Sasuke!"  
Sasuke: "WHAT THE HELL, DO NOT BE NICE TO ME! YOU GODDAMN MORON!"

or

Naruto: "Hey Sasuke, you want some pizza?"  
Sasuke: "HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I NEED NOURISHMENT!?"

And then there's you. You completely get cake all over his shirt and it goes like...

Sakura: "HOLY CRAP! I, um, sorry?"  
Sasuke: "Watch where you're going, annoying."

SEE?! YOU GET OFF EASY! HE WOULD HAVE...EVAPORATED ME OR SOMETHING IF I GOT CAKE ON HIS SHIRT!

3) Dear God Sakura, you're in denial TOO?! I give up. There is no hope for the two of you.

And anyway, you're going out with Kiba now! I hope you have fun with him--he's a nice guy. Usually remembers important dates and can occasionally make himself look presentable if your parents want to meet him. (Though, your parents probably won't even notice, so I guess we don't have to worry about that...)

Dear God. I work at the WEIRDEST place ever! Gaara was ordered to start a ketchup war today, and nobody batted an eyelash. Some of the customers joined in. I just kind of watched in horror. Seriously, not only is my boss evil--it's DEMENTED too! (Yes, I said it. I am not really sure of their gender--all I know is that they NEED. TO. DIE.)

But oh my! Sakura...THE VANDAL! (cue the wailing violins) Wow, I'm impressed! I didn't think you were CAPABLE of wrong doing.

Kidding.

Love,

--Ino

P.S. I'm sure that you were put into drama because of your incredable talent? Or maybe the Home Ec. class got full and since you knew everything, there was no point in keeping you around? I'm sure I don't know--how could I have done anything?

Really, so suspicious.

P.P.S. Tell me about your date with Kiba! I want to know everything!

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Kiba  
Subject: OH MY GOD! 

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE ATTACKING SAKURA! (I mean when you push her against a locker and kiss her or whatever.) BECAUSE HE WILL SEE THIS AS A SIGN OF AGGRESSION--OR AT LEAST, IT'LL LOOK ENOUGH LIKE IT THAT PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE HIM--AND HE WILL. BLOODY. ATTACK.

Anyhow, how's it going with Sakura? Hot dates galore?

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

Subject: SHUT UP!

Yes, I just bought another one and named him Mr. Shnookums. Muahaha. And my army of teddy bears would make Mr. Butters piss himself in utter terror.

1) If anything it was probably because said "assailant" cleeted him or something. Probably stepped on his foot with his cleats, and you know Sasuke. And even if he WAS getting revenge for me (so highly doubtful) it was because I am a classmate, and give him answers. Besides, he has already clarified that I am annoying and we're not friends.

2) And after he said that, he had a freak-a-thon on me. He was so angry I think his EYES were turning red...

3) I. AM. NOT. IN. **DENIAL**! I DON'T mean anything to him, Pig, and he has made this quite obvious, since when I accused him of being overprotective of me he coldly replied that he had nothing to be protective of, since it's not like we're friends.

Okay, I'll admit it, Kiba is very sweet. He took me to go see Spiderman 3 and then we went out to this Italian cuisine place, not too fancy but casual enough that we didn't look out of place. He also has a nice car, and is a real gentleman. It's almost like someone told him to be perfect for me... wow, maybe all those prayers are actually paying off, huh?

...a ketchup fight.

Get out. Get out of there right now. Dunkin Donuts DOES NOT HAVE KETCHUP FIGHTS! (And no, dammit, it's NOT because I'm biased due to their awesome donuts and delicious coffee. Really. I'm not.) NEITHER DOES STARBUCKS! (See the latter reason for D&D)

SHUSH! NOBODY KNOWS THAT I-- I mean, whoever-- DID IT! I want to send them flowers, that beautiful, sly person.

-Sakura

P.S- I **KNOW** you had something to do with this, Ino! And one way or another, I _WILL_ find out!

P.P.S- Uhm, define EVERYTHING.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Kiba

Subject: What?!

WHAT THE HELL?! IS HE SOME KIND OF ANIMAL?! Seriously, like a freaking lion, man! Or a wolf, or something! Goddamned alpha male complex, him being all angry that I'm getting a LITTLE bit of action for "his" woman.

Wait, will he still attack me if Sakura reciprocates, and like, moans and runs her hands through my hair or something? Wait, what happens if SHE'S the one kissing ME?! Seriously, what if she pulls out her inner-seme and attempts to jump MY bones?!

...oh, wait, never mind. That's pretty kinky. I'M not one to stop her.

You know, that little nose wrinkle she does when she's interested in something is really rather fetching.

-Kiba

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Subject: NEVER!

Speaking of Mr. Shnookums...

I am putting together a plan. No, this time it's a GOOD plan, with minimal damage. To, er, most parties.

And don't lecture me Sakura! I am TOO allowed to plot! (No accusations about me being an evil manipulator either. LIES I tell you, ALL LIES!)

1) You are so bloody stubborn. But never fear dear Sakura--I shall show you the light! Now then, you are obviously not fluent in Sasuke-ese yet. When he says, "We're not friends" he means that, "Because I am a complete and utter asshole, you should stay away from me. No matter how badly I want you to stick around." I mean, look at NARUTO. Everyone knows that he's Sasuke's best friend, and yet, he is referred to as, 'moron' and 'idiot.'

2) I think I missed this freak-a-thon. What exactly happened?

3) See number one, you un-seductive R-tard.

Good! I'm glad you had a nice time with him. Kiba is pretty cool, so long as you make sure he doesn't start talking about his dog. Who were you praying to, if I may ask? (If you tell me it's that Sasuke-shrine you have in your closet I am going to smack you. Somehow. Over a fairly long distance.)

I am leaving as soon as I can. Honestly. How is throwing ketchup around good for publicity?

And no, I did not join in. At. All.

...Don't worry Sakura! _Your_ secret's safe with me! (Or at least until you forget to get me a birthday present.)

Lurve and kisses,

--Ino

P.S. Tsk, you honestly think I have enough power to tweak your schedule?

P.P.S. EVERYTHING!

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Kiba

Subject: I would hire a body guard

I'm more inclined to say that Sasuke's a panther myself--wait, what?

OOOOOOH, IS HE GETTING REALLY ANGRY?! DO TELL! (Please?)

Well, Sakura jumping you, while highly improbable, would not warrant an attack. I think. Maybe.

(You and your damn dominatrix fetishes. And what is with Sakura's nose? Everyone comments on how cute it is! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER NOSE!)

--Ino

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Subject: DON'T MAKE ME GRAB THE DUCT TAPE AGAIN!

Well, now you are, since the last time you "plotted" something you blew up my freaking tree house.

1) That...actually sounds really accurate...HOW THE HELL DO YOU SEE THESE SUBTLE SIGNS AND I DON'T?!!

2) He just basically freaked out on me and I heard a lot of that his shirt cost. A lot. Probably a lot more than my house. Oh, and there were some 'annoying's' and 'idiots' thrown in there for good measure, as if I already didn't want the ground to swallow me whole.

3) AT LEAST I HAVE STANDARDS, DAMMIT!

I WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SHRINE IN MY CLOSET!

(Though, I did dust in there today. Have to make sure the pictures of him aren't crinkling and whatever.)

I was talking about Kami-sama, Ino-pig. Y'know, our God?!

Of course you didn't Boar. Do I have to find Shikamaru's e-mail and talk to him? Because I will, you know. I have to make sure you're staying out of trouble and whatnot.

And, okay, MAYBE attempt to set the two of you up, but that's not my main motive. Really. It's not.

-Sakura

P.S- Yeah, I do.

P.P.S- Be more specific

* * *

From: Kiba 

To: Ino

Subject: Dammit!

No, he's just been giving me the Uchiha Death Glare in the hallways. And watching obsessively as we pass notes about totally innocent stuff. Really, I never knew the Uchiha was such a perv. He thinks I'm only dating her to get into her skirt.

Bet he'd never guess that it was actually her best friend's doing, huh?

You're so reassuring.

Not.

(Her nose is very adorable! It looks like... a button, or something.)

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Subject: You don't scare me!

That tree house had to go. It was crucial to when I shaved a day off the school year so we could drive up to the circus! (Admit it, that was fun.)

1) I look for them, Sakura.

2) Oh yeah. Well, like I said. Sasuke flips out over everything--you got a relatively nice 'punishment.' AND I HAVE HEARD, (from a little birdie) THAT HE IS VERY UPSET ABOUT YOU DATING KIBA! THIS IS A CLEAR SIGN OF JEALOUSY! (Do not listen to whatever pathetic excuse he gives you--IT IS A LIE!)

Also, another little birdie says that his eyes get all soft when he's looking at you. Coincidence? I think not.

3) HIGH standards. But sure, I'll go with you on this one.

You are so bizarre about that shrine. No, honestly, you almost had a fit that one time when I accidentally stepped on one of the pictures. Which you destroyed the yearbook to get. (Loser.)

Kami...? OH YEAH! That guy. He's pretty cool, for being so aloof and all.

Well, if you wanted PH's e-mail, all you had to do was ask! It's NaraShikamaru. Because making something up is apparently very troublesome.

Love,

--Ino

P.S. That hurts. Aren't you having fun in drama? (With Sasuke?)

P.P.S. Have you two kissed yet?

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Kiba

Subject: Good flipping luck

PROVOKE HIM! No, seriously. But make sure it's in a public place so that someone will save you from being murdered. And do it in front of Sakura, so that she'll get all 'Oh no! My friend and my bastard-of-a-true-love! What shall I do?!'

Yes, and we are going to keep Sasuke from ever finding out. Or Sakura. Because both of them are occasionally very scary.

I could totally be a councilor.

--Ino

P.S. What. The. Hell. (Find out if Sasuke thinks so too!)

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Subject: -grabs the duct tape-

I LOVED MY TREEHOUSE! (And okay, yeah, the circus was fun.)

1) You LOOK for them? What the hell? You stalker!

2) Who the hell's been lying to you, Ino?! Yeah, he's upset, but it's because he thinks that Kiba's gonna rape me or something.

SASUKE?! HIS EYES GET SOFT WHEN HE LOOKS AT ME?! I'm telling you, you need to get FAR, FAR away from that McDonald's. The grease is addling your brain and making you think odd things. Besides, that'd be so unlike him, and Sasuke is, if nothing else, aloof. I highly doubt this.

3) Whatever, man. I find I have less chance of getting hurt that way. And besides, do you know how freaking hard it is to date someone else with UCHIHA SASUKE in the room?

The only exception is Kiba. I, uhm, have lots to tell you. He, uh, we were getting my books and it was the end of the day, and he kind of placed his hands on either side of my head when I spun the dial and turned around, and then he smiled at me and leaned down and--

We, erm, kissed. And it was...wow...

And Sasuke was glaring at Kiba (AND NO, GODDAMMIT, HE WAS **NOT** JEALOUS! HE PROBABLY THINKS HE'S GONNA RAPE ME!)

I do believe I'll have to e-mail Shikamaru soon.

-Sakura

P.S- I'm not sure how much fun tomorrow's going to be. And not really; we've just kind of been ignoring each other. Or rather, he's been ignoring me while I sneak peeks at him every so often. Is it wrong to still love Sasuke while dating Kiba?

* * *

From: Kiba 

To: Ino

Subject: Yeah, I know

Did Sakura tell you what happened after school today?

I will fight a lot of guys, but the Uchiha is NOT one of them. Especially an enraged one. You should've seen the look he gave me after I kissed Sakura and then held her hand and led her away. I could've sworn he was so angry his EYES were red... Freaky, man, really, REALLY freaky.

-Kiba

P.S- I don't even think on pain of death would Sasuke admit that ANYTHING of Sakura's is cute.

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Subject: BRING IT

IT WAS ONLY A LITTLE WHILE AGO--YOU WERE LIKE_ FIFTEEN_, IT WAS TIME TO MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS!

1) I just happen to be observant. And not blind.

2)WHAT THE HELL. Sakura, has he EVER been REMOTELY hostile to Kiba before now? (Well, more so than anyone else.) NO. HE IS UPSET YOU BLIND PINKY. And yes, his eyes get soft when he looks at you. This has been confirmed to me by numerous sources.

...Wait, does Sasuke actually KNOW that you're in love with him? I can't remember if you ever flat out told him...boy's pretty dense, he probably didn't notice if you didn't tell.

3) OH MY, HAS HE BEEN HARASSING KIBA? PLEASE SAY YES. I AM VERY HORMONAL RIGHT NOW AND WOULD LIKE SOME BOY/BOY FANTASY ACTION.

Oh my, SAKURA SCORED!!!! Okay, hot kiss? Yes? Or, sloppy and kind of 'ew, get away' kiss? (There is a damn difference, young Skywalker.)

Alright Sakura. So Sasuke is not interested in you at all, right? And he's only glaring because he thinks you are about to be molested by Kiba-the-sex-god?

Well then, if he's so uncaring--WHY WOULD HE CARE IF YOU WERE IN "DANGER"?

--Ino

P.S. Oh, Sakura. It's not wrong at all. I mean, you probably shouldn't pay loads of attention to Sasuke--but it's not like you MARRIED Kiba. You're just dating--which is like being friends with benefits, basically. By dating someone, it means that you are agreeing to spend more time than you usually would with them. So, you're not doing anything wrong.

P.P.S. Tell me when you jump him.

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Kiba

Subject: Should I hunt down some four leaf clovers?

Why yes, she did. You dashing male, you. Good work, I award you full brownie points and a gold star.

Really? Sasuke's not THAT scary--he's kind of funny actually. I mean honestly, think of how much ENERGY it takes to be pissed off at everyone!

So, wait, he's definitely jealous, right? Right?

--Ino

P.S. ...Then I suppose...

I shall just have to make it my personal mission.

Yes, I am going to get that bastard to tell her that her nose is cute if it is the LAST THING I DO!!

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Subject: IT'S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHT!

WELL I'M SEVENTEEN NOW AND I STILL LOVE(D) MY TREEHOUSE, GODDAMMIT!

1) I'll have you know I have 20/20 vision, pig.

2) ...those birdies are getting high with you in the back of McDonalds, obviously.

And I, uhm...no, he doesn't know. I've never told him, but really, is there any need to? He already thinks I'm annoying; I'll probably move right up to GET-THE-FUCK-AWAY-FROM-ME if I tell him I love him, because he'll think it's just because of his looks when it goes so much deeper than that.

I...dammit, Ino, do you know why I haven't told Sasuke yet, and why I deny when you tell me he likes me? Because I'm NOT getting my hopes up only to have them crash and burn when he laughs right in my face.

Okay, so maybe not _laugh_, per se... (is Sasuke even CAPABLE of laughing? Not coldly?)

And besides, I'm enjoying this whole dating-Kiba thing. Maybe someday I'll tell Sasuke that I love him, but that moment is not now, not while I like someone who, for once, actually likes me back.

3) THAT IS DISGUSTING AND SHALL NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN! (no matter HOW hot the images are.)

Hot kiss. VERY hot kiss. His mouth tasted like chocolate, too, which scored him some major points. That, and the fact that his hands stayed on the small of my back. This in itself is amazing, since I'm so used to getting groped.

...my name is not Skywalker, it's Sakura. Have you been at the popcorn again, Ino?

I, uhm... HE'S TIRED OF PROTECTING ME! HE SAID SO! And he thinks I'm weak, that bastard. Well, I am SO going to jump on Kiba and make out. Right in front of him.

HA! TAKE **THAT**, UCHIHA SASUKE!

-Sakura

P.S- Well, if you say so...

P.P.S- I was thinking maybe Monday, which gives us four days to hang out more. What do you think?

* * *

From: Kiba 

To: Ino

Subject: I think a wooden stake and some garlic would do it

HELL YEAH, I GET GOLD STARS **AND** BROWNIE POINTS!

...Sasuke. Not scary? Are you...okay?

I'm pretty sure he's jealous, but we'll see. By the way he was glaring at me after I kissed her, it's pretty safe to say he is.

Yeah, good luck with that.

-Kiba

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Subject: You are so hopeless

I think that you must have been dropped more than just that one time when you were a baby. Honestly.

1) Wrong kind of blindness, genius.

2) You're making me tear up again, knock it off. And okay, I'm not saying you should tell him--I just couldn't remember. Obviously Sasu-chan is completely in the dark. (Just because I call him Sasu-chan does not mean that you should slip up and call him that as well. Because I know you Sakura, you once called him Romeo after the LA teacher had stuffed our heads full of Shakespeare. You both turned very interesting shades of purple, by the way. I think I still have the pictures on my cell phone...)

Oh, I DO have them! Shikamaru has just seen them as well. He wants me to tell you that breathing is _necessary_ and that your nose is cute. (WHAT THE HELL, I WANT A CUTE NOSE TOO!)

Grrrrr...Temari has entered the premises! She is asking me about work. With a very conveying little smirk. Yes, I do walk at McDonalds you bitch. Come by sometime--I want to give you **food poisoning.**

I never answered your question on whether she was pretty or not, did I? Well...she's a model. Vile. Defiling my dream job. So yes--I suppose that she. is. moderately. attractive.

Shikamaru is telling me to stop stabbing the keyboard when I type. He obviously does not realize how painful that was for me.

3) I have escalated from hormonal to downright lusty. Meaning that Shikamaru walked in to the kitchen this morning with out a shirt. Nyhargmph. (Can I have fries with that?)

Damn, Kiba must have been practicing. With his pillow or something. Yes, I think he does that. He is a nerd like you, remember?

ME YODA SPEAK! SKYWALKER BOW TO THE GREATNESS OF ME!

--Ino

P.S. Wow, go Sakura! Take the initiative, girl!

P.P.S. How goes the vile math project? Need any help? Shikamaru's apparently a math genius, so I can probably give some pointers if you need them.

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Kiba

Subject: Good news...

...Your not-so-secret-fantasies are going to be coming true shortly. I might have, um, accidentally set Sakura off on a wild rampage. Prepare yourself.

Oh, Sasu-chan's not scary! Hee, can't you just IMAGINE what would happen if someone pinched his cheeks during one of his temper tantrums? I think his head might blow up. Ahahahahahaha.

And good job on O.M.S.J. We seem to be progressing nicely. Now I just have to figure out what the next step will be...

--Ino

P.S. I WILL MAKE HIM SAY IT, DAMN IT! I JUST NEED TO GET HIM DESPERATE ENOUGH, AND PRESENT THE SUGGESTION!

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Subject: I'M the hopeless one?!

...grr...

1) Shut up! You're just mad because I have a higher IQ than you.

2) ...that moment shall never be mentioned again. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHOWED THAT TO PH! And no, my nose is too adorable for you to handle.

And no, I did not just lick my finger and touch it to my nose and say, "Sizzle." Absolutely not. What a ridiculous idea, pig.

I still say that you should dye her hair blue. But that food poisoning idea is a good thing too, yes. OR INTRODUCE HER TO GAARA AND KANKURO, THAT LITTLE SLUT, AND HAVE _THEM_ TAKE CARE OF HER!

Ew, she's a model? Well, I'm sure she could never be as pretty as you. She's probably only a model because her legs are a V.

3) Ohhh, do tell? And what are you, PMSing? Like, fo' shizzle my nizzle, yo. (...don't ask.) Mmm, you must send me a picture of Shikamaru. Does he look good without a shirt on?

Whatever, you crack whore, I bow down to NO ONE.

-Sakura

P.S- HELL YEAH! GIRL POWER, DAMMIT!

P.P.S- Am e-mailing him right now. Sasuke's being an asshole and he must be PMSing too, since he was more irritable this morning. Actually, he's been irritable for the past four days. Hmmm...

* * *

From: Kiba 

To: Ino

Subject: I love you

Oh, HELL YES!

Yeah, he'd probably go and blow up the school. Or pull a Columbine stunt and kill students and faculty and what-not. Which really wouldn't be cool, because we'd probably still have school, those evil bastards.

I have complete faith in your scheming abilities, Ino. After all, you came up with this idea and somehow managed to keep so much from Sakura. Speaking of which, when do you plan on coming home, anyway? Sakura really misses you.

-Kiba

P.S- Yeah, again, good luck with that. Sasuke'd rather kill himself before that ever happened.

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Shikamaru

Subject: Hey

You're that guy that Ino's living with, right? I'm Sakura, that pig's best friend!

...yes, the girl with the cute nose. That's right.

Anyway, Ino said that you're some supposedly genius with math, right? Well, uhm, could you help me out with my project, since Ino won't because she's too focused on killing your girlfriend—I mean, on work. Yeah.

And, uh, can you keep that whole deal with Sasuke on the DL? Please?

Thanks a bunch, PH-- argh, Shikamaru!

—Sakura

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Subject: Obviously, since your retort is repeating what I just said

Mr. Butters makes that noise too, whenever he sees Temari. She growls back--it's actually kind of amusing. Mr. B was annoyed at me this morning since I sort of woke him up and moved him over to Temari's sweater so he'd shed on it. Yes, evil. Muahahaha.

ALSO! Shikamaru says that he will take me to get ice cream sometime this week, so I can meet his best friend Choji! Yes, I had to moan and grovel and whine--BUT I GOT MY WAY, DAMMIT!

(BUT PH--SHIKAMARU--HAS A BEST FRIEND! IT'S LIKE YOU AND ME! DOES TEMARI HAVE A BEST FRIEND; NOOOOO!)

(Why do I find this best friend business so endearing?)

Also, I bribed him. I told him that I would get 'That Thing'/'EEK!!'/'Mr. Butters!' on a leash. And we would walk him. Shikamaru is apparently delighted at the idea of mortifying his cat. I am prepping Mr. Butters up with large amounts of tuna. Hopefully, he won't hate me too much.

1) That is just mean. And I can out-math you any day.

...YOU'RE just jealous because I have more clothes! AND DON'T NEED TO BUILD SHRINES TO THE GUYS I LIKE!

...Okay, that was out of line. I'm sorry.

2) You are a genius. I am taking her to work with me tomorrow for 'girl bonding time.' The boys will take of her for me, I am sure. Gaara totally saved my butt earlier--this weirdo truck driver was like, leaning over the counter trying to look down my shirt. So he came over and just kind of stared at the guy--for like, five minutes. Without blinking. It was terrific. Gaara has the best dead-pan expression ever.

Oh, and then Kankuro made a little smilie face with the pickles, drew a heart on the bun with the ketchup, leaned over the counter, and was all, "Come back soon..."

And then winked.

I need to adopt the two of them. Seriously. They rule.

Your pretty comment just made my day. Especially since, um, one of my female co-workers pointed at my makeup and called me a whore.

Do I look like a whore Sakura? (Yes, I am having one of those self conscious days. Also, I feel fat. I think the grease from the fryers is seeping into my skin.)

3) Alright, sending picture. He didn't protest very much when I demanded he take of his shirt so I could take a picture. In fact, I distinctly recall him rolling his eyes and going, "God, not _another_ one..."

...Must discover what this means.

Oh, and he has started calling me 'Troublesome.' I think this might be a bad thing--he never calls Temari troublesome. He calls Temari--Temari. (Yes, I am PMS-ing. Why else would I be this insecure?)

But really, it's the only thing he says around me anymore.

Moi: "Hey, I got you a donut for breakfast."

Shika: "...troublesome...thanks."

...Mmnf.

--Ino

P.S. That's right Sakura! WE ARE THE SUPERIOR (sub) SPECIES!

P.P.S. I like playing connect the dots. Sasuke has been irritable for four days, and Sakura has been dating Kiba for four days. WHAT EVER COULD THIS MEAN?!

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Kiba

Subject: Thanks for the vote of confidence

Down, bad dog. Don't get too excited now--you aren't supposed to know. And honestly, you have some twisted ideas there. Kind of cute though, don't change.

Anyway, from what Sakura tells me, you're doing a good job. Apparently, you have been a very good kisser, attentive, non-groping, and funny. Excellent, excellent, excellent. (She likes you a lot, BTW.)

Ack, we should totally piss him off one time, tell him how adorable he looks, and then run like hell. It will be fabulous. (Assuming we don't die.)

Hmmmn...I guess...I could come home for a little while--just for a visit. I really don't want to stay too long, but I really miss Sakura, and I hate leaving her alone like that. She really needs to get out of there and away from her family.

Thanks for the vote of confidence in my scheming abilities. For I am Yoda! Bow down, you will.

Yes.

--Ino

P.S. I WILL!! (Somehow, even I am having trouble with this one.)

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Sakura

Subject: Hey

Yes, I've heard a lot about you from Ino. Nice to finally sort of talk to you for once.

Before I continue--can I clarify something? Did she really bungee-jump off the school roof and knock out that line-backer? Because she SAYS that she did, but Temari apparently believes this to be impossible, and I'd like to know the truth before taking sides.

Jeez. I thought I was finally out of the high-school drama crap. Okay, fine, what're your questions?

(I don't really care about your love affairs with Sasuke--no matter how much of a prick this guy seems to be. But fine, whatever, I won't tell.)

God. Ino told you about the PH thing, didn't she? Troublesome...

Later,

--'PH'

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Subject: Yeah, but I said it cooler than you! (or typed, whatever.)

Haha, evil genius much, Ino?

And Pig, almost EVERYONE has a best friend. Temari doesn't because she's probably a fugly biznatch. God only knows WHY Shikamaru's dating her.

Okay, so, you're prepping up Mr. Butters up with lots of tuna, but you plan on walking him and stuff...? I fail to see the logic in this.

1) But I can basically kick your ass in anything else

It's only a matter of time before you make a PH shrine.

I am not jealous, by the way. After all, your mountain of clothes almost killed me. Most terrifying moment of my life; it was like being buried under an avalanche.

2) Oh yeah, I know. No autographs, please. AND I HAVE TO MEET THESE TWO!! That is priceless, abso-freakin-lutely priceless.

I, well, uhm... yeah, you LOOK like a whore Ino, but at least you're a PRETTY whore!

3) ...-drool-...

DAMN YOU INO, YOU ALWAYS GET THE RIPPED GUYS!

(oh wait, never mind. Mmmm, Sasuke-kun is VERY built. Yum.)

Troublesome is just an affectionate nickname for you, honestly. AND TEMARI ISN'T SPECIAL ENOUGH TO WARRANT A NICKNAME!

--Sakura

P.S- Damn right we are!

P.P.S- Oh, Jesus CHRIST not this again!

* * *

From: Kiba 

To: Ino

Subject: You're welcome

I can't help it if your best friend is hot. And I have no intention of ever changing; I'm too awesome for people NOW anyway. They can't handle my amazingness.

Oh yeah, that's right. _Sizzle_.

And that is only further proof of my awesomeness. I like her a lot too, but I'm still pretty eager to see her and the Uchiha get together. It seems like she's the only one who can calm him down.

Yeah, he'd probably kill us two seconds later. AND FINE THEN, **DON'T** come visit me!

Joking, I love you. But why, what's wrong with her family?

No.

--Kiba

P.S- Maybe you should just, I dunno...give up...?

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Shikamaru

Subject: Hola

Likewise; it's nice to sort of finally talk to you too. What exactly has Ino told you about me anyway?

...uhm, that clown incident was a total accident. I SWEAR.

Okay, maybe not _totally_...

Yes, Ino really DID do that. And lots more. She's got a lot of connections, and she's very devious and stubborn, and won't stop until she gets her way. I'm surprised she hasn't blackmailed our Principal yet.

Alright. So, I know how to find the area of a cylinder—but not so clear on the surface area. I know how to find the base, of course, since that's just finding the area of the circle, but not so much the main body thing.

Of course she did. I basically freaked out while I thought you guys were dead.

And did you really dodge a speeding bullet? What the hell ARE you, Superman?

--Sakura

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Subject: Regardless, you still couldn't think of anything better to say

But there's best friend and then BEST friend--you know! Like, Shikamaru has been friends with this guy for almost ten years--that's about how long we've been friends!

Ugh. Because I am in mega PMS mode, I shall lay out the Temari facts on why he is dating her:

-She can cook. (I can not. At all.)

-She is pretty. (And no matter how much you reassure me, she is kind of gorgeous. Ugh. I feel like crying.)

-She's smart. (Unlike me, the high school drop-out.)

-Has a job. (I work at McDonalds.)

-Can take care of herself. (Think back to the tree house--I tend to leap before I look.)

...I am so depressed right now. Augh. I think I might've just made a huge mistake. It was the problem I was telling you about--the reason why I left.

Um, well, crunch time's setting in, basically. I'm kind of going to have to choose pretty soon--and, um, yeah.

I think I might visit you and Kiba pretty soon--I really miss you. A lot. Shika's been awesome--but he can't replace your forehead.

OKAY. Removing self from funk, now.

And I am bribing Mr. Butters into liking me so he can suffer the indignity of being a CAT on a LEASH.

1) Haha, you tell yourself that.

And dude, I will NEVER make a Shika shrine--he will make one to ME.

And deny it as much as you want--I saw you eyeing that red skirt. You can have it, by the way. If you're brave enough to go to my house and OPEN 'THE CLOSET OF DOOM' as you call it.

2) Haha, they're great. EXCEPT--OH MY GOD! SAKURA! I took Temari with me this morning to work, and was, you know, pretending to be nice, (And she was too--though I guess we got along okay,) and then when I brought her in, I sat her down and bolted for the back. Gaara and Kankuro were back there, apparently making a cherry bomb to blow up one of the toilets, and I was like, "Guys, I need you to take care of someone for me."

And then they followed me out, and I walked over to Temari feeling all victorious--until Kankuro was all, "Oh shit."

And then Temari got this horrified look on her face, like--'How-can-I-get-out-of-here-without-being-too-obvious?'

And Gaara kind of ignored everyone and just said, "Hey, Temari."

OHDEARLORD. THE THREE OF THEM ARE SIBLINGS! HOW THE HELL DOES THIS HAPPEN TO _ME_?!

...Wait. This might be good. I can use them--I mean, they're her brothers, shouldn't they know all sorts of embarrassing stuff about her?

I will poke around when I return to the group, since I am sort of hiding in the back room right now, e-mail this to you.

3) He's not mine yet. Darn. But I have my...'date' with him later this week. To meet his friend Chouji, I mean.

But yes, he is rather pretty, isn't he? (And yes, so is Sasuke. And Kiba. We are some damn lucky girls.)

...Maybe you're right about the nickname thing! ...Maybe... I dunno, I think he might think I'm sorta odd. Considering I look like a whore and all. Maybe I should wear less revealing clothing? Lay off the eye make-up?

But really, you are the best friend I could ever have. Thanks, Sakura-chan.

--Ino

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Kiba

Subject: Jack Sparrow's got NOTHING on you!

For serious. Like, you defy the laws of awesome. Or something. At least, according to you. (Kidding, you know I love you.)

Augh, of course I'll visit you, you dope! We can have coffee and walk Akamaru and plot. Or something.

Well, if you haven't noticed, Sakura's family has already decided that she's not going to college. As in, the lazy bastards have been too lazy to take care of their millions of kids and since Sakura, (who is the oldest) has been doing it for years FOR them, they've kind of decided to just leave it that way.

This is why we have to get her out of there. Somehow. She has absolutely no money--one of the reasons why I'm working right now, actually. Basically, if I work now to get her through school, (which she'll rock at--since it's Sakura) when she becomes a doctor or whatever and rakes in the dough, SHE'LL be able to pay for my going through college! (Since I might need to take a break from school, for a while anyway. It depends on how things work out.)

I really hate her parents. A lot.

--Ino

P.S. You are going to help me on this quest, dammit. Don't you want to hear him say it too?!

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Shikamaru

Subject: Aloha

Ino usually doesn't talk about home much. She talks about you a lot though--usually after I've left her alone for more then two or three hours. I think she's lonely or something. Do you know why she left?

Mostly I've just heard stories about when you two were kids. Some of the stunts you pulled, some of your accidents with Sasuke, (seriously, are you incredibly clumsy? Sorry, but how is it even possible for so many accidents to happen?) and other stuff. I haven't heard this clown thing, though.

Are you the one who taught her how to make toast? Because if that was you, thanks. Temari tried to make pancakes with her this morning--they sort of set off the smoke alarm.

To find the surface area of a cone you have to find the circumference of the circle, (two of the radius times pi, or just the diameter times pi) and then times the circumference by the height. Then you tack on the bases--or, the circles. (Radius squared times pi.)

I feel like I'm in a soap opera. Or some really crap fiction--Ino reads a lot of those, doesn't she? Does she not REALIZE that the guys on the covers of roman novels have like, inflatable muscle suits? Because that is just abnormal. Nobody should have that much muscle definition.

I didn't 'dodge' a bullet; I just knew it was coming. It wasn't so hard.

--'Superman'

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Subject: I totally could, but all my brain power goes to school

Ino, darling, we've got twelve years. There's no WAY PH could beat us-- well, except in maybe genius-ness, but I'm sure we come pretty close. Because we're awesome like that.

a) Hey, you made coffee, didn't you? And besides, there's gotta be SOMETHING she sucks at. And when we find it, we will make that hole wider and make her VERY self-conscious. Mm, yes, let's pick at those mental scars. Muahaha.

b) Yeah well you're SUPER DUPER GORGEOUS! Seriously, Ino-chan, remind me again what happens EVERY TIME WE GO OUT TO EAT?! What, every guy hits on you, huh? They all stare at you, yeah? Ino-chan, you're 5'5 with long, shiny blond hair and these bright blue captivating eyes. You've got these long legs and an hour-glass figure that would make a lesbian go straight. PH probably has wet dreams about you but thinks it's too troublesome to say so. Temari-bitch has got NOTHING on you.

c) You're not a high-school drop-out, and without you I never would've passed math all those times. Plus, you're highly intelligent. Remind me again who it was that shares the HIGH honor roll with Sasuke and I. Who's ALSO in our AP classes. Does the name Yamanaka Ino ring a bell?

d) Only for now. I bet when you become a model you'll be so hot you'll blow her right off the catwalk.

e) You're a teenager. We all do that.

You have NOT made a huge mistake, Yamanaka Ino. You did what you felt was best for you, and aren't you always telling ME to do that? Honestly, Ino, without you I would've run away from home a LONG time ago. Or maybe killed myself. So just think, you basically saved my life, in so many more ways than one. Can Temari say that she's done as touching as that? No.

1) I can. You're just in denial.

He probably already has. Secretly, in his closet, and he loves it as much as I love my Sasuke one. He probably takes just as much care of it too.

(you probably have one as well. A small one. DON'T DENY IT, THAT'S WHERE ALL THOSE OTHER SHIRTLESS PICTURES GO! Or maybe under your pillow...?)

...well, I DO have a really cute tube top that would go with that skirt... Maybe. If I can somehow manage to not get lost in that maze of clothes that people call your closet.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! They're SIBLINGS?! Ohhh Ino, this could NOT be more perfect! I mean, they've gotta have a LOT of blackmail on her.

2) Good luck with that!

(and hell yeah, we're some lucky girls! Mmm, smexy smexy boys that want us.)

See? Sasuke calls me annoying and Shikamaru calls you troublesome. In a total-romantics perspective, I'm annoying to Sasuke because he thinks about me all the time, and you're troublesome because Shikamaru has deep feelings for you and doesn't care as much for Temari. (besides, have they really been spending any time together? Did she go through with a near-death experience with him? No, she hasn't. You two are closer, so HAHA to her!)

Uhm, you might wanna dress a little more conservatively from now on. Like, wear a LITTLE bit less makeup, and maybe wear those skirts past your thighs? Halfway down your thighs is good, but don't make them look the length of MY panties. Love you too, Ino-chan.

-Sakura

P.S- WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME, DAMMIT?! I know you said you'd come visit me soon, but how soon is soon? I really miss you, you know. Your biting bitchiness just isn't the same over the computer.

* * *

From: Kiba 

To: Ino

Subject: You sure know how to compliment a guy! (since Sakura LOVES Johnny Depp.)

Well, you've always broken said laws of awesomeness.

Mmmm, coffee... and yes, we must plot. Plus, I'm sure Akamaru would love to see you.

What the _HELL_? Yes, we need to get her out of there. Like, now. I totally agree with you. Does Sasuke know about this? Seriously, when those two get together (you know, I'm her boyfriend, find her attractive, and am helping her hook up with another male. How wrong is this picture?) she needs to move in with him. The Uchiha has more than enough money to support the freaking Navy.

And, uhm, if you don't mind me asking, but why DID you leave anyway?

We have to plot to do something to her parents as well.

-Kiba

P.S- ...damn it.

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Shikamaru

Subject: Ciao

Uhm, I'm really not supposed to tell you (pinky-promised) but I will anyway, because you deserve to know. Ino has a good home life-- she loves her father and everything. But her mom and little brother just died, and that shook her up. A lot. Her mom and her were really close, and she loved her little brother. Well, she and our friends were out at a party and they were all drinking. Ino wasn't too much, but everyone else was. I came and picked her up and made her sleep over my house, since we promised to when we were like, twelve. We couldn't (and didn't) depend on anyone else but each other.

So Ino's phone rang at like, six in the morning. I'm a light sleeper, and so is Ino, so we both woke up. It was her dad; apparently, one of her friends that were more drunk were involved in a car accident. That friend died, and so did the other two people in the other car. Those other two people were Ino's mom and little brother, on their way home from Natsu's (her little brother) football game.

She didn't come to school for a week, and every day after school I would go to her house and she would put her head in my lap and just _cry_ as I stroked her hair. It was seriously bad, because I've known Ino since I was five, and loosing them was like loosing a part of my family too. Plus because Ino's normally so collected and cool, and she just...broke down. Her dad was the same way, but I only saw him cry like, twice.

Afterwards, Ino became something of a slut, which is why she dresses and acts the way she does now. She goes out and parties and has a new boyfriend like every week, but she will NOT touch alcohol. Please don't think of her as like, a whore or something, because she's really sensitive about that. It's kind of like her defense mechanism. She doesn't have serious relationships because she thinks it'll stop her from getting hurt. She's a good girl, really she is, but she can get really insecure.

So yeah, that's why she left. She wanted to help herself become better, and knew that she couldn't do it at home. It makes me sad that she left (as snarky and bitchy as we may act to one another, we kind of need each other) but I want her to feel better.

Sorry, I just kind of like, wrote you a novel. Uh, whoops? And I am actually very graceful, (I took ballet for seven years) but Sasuke makes me nervous.

Uh, I'm afraid of clowns. And, erm, Ino took me to the circus with her once. This clown got in my face and I...uhm, kind of punched him. And broke his nose. And then started crying.

Yeah, I was in the middle of teaching her to cook when she decided it was high time she got the fuck out of this stupid little town. I'm gonna follow, but that's next year when we graduate. Haha, she set off the smoke alarm? Well, you're lucky the firemen didn't come to your apartment. Seriously, I think she did it on purpose (...all four times) just to check out the firemen. Which has happened at her house.

Hey, those guys are HOT! They're actually a lot of fun to read. Not only do they fulfill our romantic side, but we get to point out the stupidity for some of these books and laugh. Yes, we're sadistic, and your point is?

WASN'T SO HARD?! HAVE YOU BEEN AT THE POPCORN OR THE MCDONALDS FRIES TOO?! _I_ HAVE **NEVER** DODGED A FREAKING SPEEDING BULLET! You're my hero.

-Sakura

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Subject: NERD.

You're right. Shika must bow down to the greatness that is us--FOR WE ARE YODA(s), MASTERS OF UNIVERSE ARE WE!

...In case you were wondering, I watched the original Star Wars trilogy two days ago with Temari and Shika, which is why I have been spouting out all this Yoda garbage.

Why yes! I did manage to make coffee! And my, Sakura, it seems that I am not the ONLY evil genius at work here! And thanks for the compliments on my appearance--but seriously, Temari is...kind of...pretty...nggh. Here, I'll send a picture. (see attached) Oh God. I wishwishWISH Shika had...naughty mental disturbances in the middle of the night. WHY?! WHY IS IT NOT HAPPENING?!

Tch, I kind of am a high school dropout, though I did pass the exit exam with flying colors, (WHAT THE HELL does that MEAN, anyway?) so...yeah. I guess I survive academically. When I turn eighteen this fall I'll apply for some model work--hopefully they won't have a problem with me being under the 5'7 limit. Meh, I could do some magazine work or something if they do.

Aw, I haven't ever really saved your life Sakura! But, thanks for the reassurance. OF COURSE I made the right choice!

I um, I don't know what you're talking about! Me? Have a shrine for Shika? Hah! You jest.

Excuse me while I start a small fire with the suspicious papers under my bed.

About them being siblings--pure gold. I have already discovered that she was entered in a beauty pageant for BABY BOYS when she was little--and that she came in second place.

SAKURA! WE NEED NICKNAMES FOR OUR BOYS--I mean, Sasuke/Kiba and Shikamaru. Actually, I already have PH.

I vote you start calling Sasuke, 'Princess.'

--Ino

P.S. Okay, I need help on this conservative thing. Have decided to wear ripped up jeans, (everything important is covered, you can just see like, my knees and stuff) and tank top. Am I allowed to show arms? Also--is the purple eye make-up too dark?)

P.P.S. I'll try to drive down in a month or so, when it's all situated.

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Kiba

Subject: Of course, it's how I get what I want

Haha, I WISH I could get Sakura to move in with him! But you know she'd never go for it--she's to independent for that. It'd make her feel trapped and house-wife all over again.

If you really want to know why I left, you can ask Sakura. Tell her I gave my permission, and that Mr. Butters sends his love.

Yes, I am planning all sort of horrible things to do to them. It shall just take some time...

--Ino

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Sakura

Subject: Konichiwa

Are you SURE she's just using her 'free ways' as an act? Because, I don't really know if I can write off her throwing spatulas at Temari, (for no apparent reason--do YOU know what they're fighting over?) as 'putting up barriers.'

But whatever, sounds kind of sucky for her. I'm sorry, I guess. I think she wants you to go to college though, so I dunno about this 'following her here' stuff. And, my apartment's kind of small--I don't actually make that much money. I guess you could maybe stay with Choji though, so long as you can cook well.

Speaking of which...I need to pick her up to meet him now. See you later, I guess.

Uh, and honestly, I didn't do anything that great. I just new she was going to shoot.

--'The Hero.'

* * *

**A/N:** WE wrote over 8,000 words for you in under three days. Being the immature dork I am, I demand some sort of reward. 

_...please._


	5. Action5: The Burger King

**Disclaimer: It's 9 am where I am. Cut me some slack, I don't own Naruto. I DO, however, own this chocolate chip muffin I'm about to eat. Mmm...**

****

**Action 5: The Burger King**

Sakura,

Don't freak out or anything, but I think we're going to have to cancel for today. I'm sorry, but my house was sort of destroyed last night, and I don't think you want to go in there right now.

I'm really sorry, could I take you to a movie on Saturday or something? (Don't tell Sasuke, he'll start ranting about date rape again. I got a lot of weird looks for that.)

—Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Oh my God, are you serious?! What happened? Do you have any place to stay? You can always stay at my house; I'm sure my parents wouldn't notice.

Sure, a movie sounds lovely. And Sasuke and I currently aren't talking, so you have no worries of me telling him. And he's just being... well, I'm not sure what he's being, but it's retarded. I mean, honestly, he's acting like a child over this. Seriously, I can date whomever I want. Oh, and did you do the history homework? What'd you get for answer five?

—Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

Well, not destroyed as in a bomb hit it--more like destroyed as in my sister was PMSing. Okay, not really. We don't exactly know what happened--just woke up this morning, went down stairs, and found the place wrecked.

Sasuke is _always_ retarded. (Do not tell him I said that, or I will die. Please and thank you.) And um, I'm asleep during that class. What was the question?

-Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

NEVER mess with a PMSing girl. I'm basically normal when I get mine, but I crave more chocolate. Ino, on the other hand, is a totally different story. Pray for PH's poor soul.

Again, I'm not speaking to that asshole. And it was:

'Hitler translated his hatred of Jews, Gypsies, Slavs and others into a systematic program of genocide. How do ethnic, racial, and religious hatreds weaken society?'

-Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

Sasuke, who sits behind me as I'm sure you can see, has started threatening me with bodily harm for 'distracting you from your studies.' He kicks the back of my chair every time I pass a note to you.

Could you tell him to heel?

PH? What's a PH? Oh—that guy she's staying with? Hey—is he cool? You sure she's not living with some sort of pimp/serial killer/rapist?

And I realize that you aren't speaking with The Jerk, but I have no idea what the answer to the Hitler question is. Ask him.

—Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

I'm going to kill that bastard. DISTRACTING ME FROM MY STUDIES?! I do believe I'm allowed to have a reprieve, once in a while, since I study so bloody hard.

Sasuke's not my dog. Very nice thought, but no. Don't worry, I'll make him back off. Somehow.

Oh yes, Shikamaru is a very nice person. He helped me with my Geometry homework, and he's about as much as a serial killer as you are date rapist. He might be a pimp, though. Since Ino actually _likes_ him. Yes, the seas are turning to blood, apparently.

I'm going in!

(Cue Mission: Impossible theme song)

-Sakura

* * *

Sasuke, 

Kick Kiba's chair one more time and I am going to de-ball you. Not even joking. He is NOT keeping me from my studies, and since when have you EVER cared what I've done? Or rather, WHO I've done?

Well, now that I've gotten that off my chest, do you know how to do that History essay? The one on Hitler?

-Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

I don't care. But when you die from AIDS or start popping out babies and drop out of high school, then I hope you realize that I'm right. And you're too young to start dating anyways. Wait until you're thirty.

And for that paper, I talked about how the economy would be weakened, a deep sense of communal mistrust would develop, and so on and so forth.

* * *

Sasuke, 

No glove no love. Duh. And what are you, my father? I believe I am perfectly eligible to date, okay dad?

I would thank you, but you wouldn't appreciate it, so I'm not even going to bother.

-Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

Last time I checked, you already had a father. Though really, I'm totally torn up inside for having to decline the position. And as for you being able to date--do your parents even know? You should introduce The Dog to your family. Hopefully they'll prove to be more sensible then you and will throw him back into the kennel.

Seriously, he's not good for you. I had hoped you would have figured that out by now.

...How do you know I wouldn't appreciate it?

--Sasuke

* * *

Sasuke, 

I'm sure you are. And trust me when I say that if I came home nine months pregnant my parents wouldn't even notice.

And how is Kiba not good enough for me? He's polite, funny, hasn't even TRIED to make an inappropriate move on me thus far, and is very nice. And if you don't think he's good enough for me, then who would be?

Because you're always mean to me. And you don't appreciate anything. Or, at least, not verbally. I doubt I'm wrong in this, but you don't think of us as friends, so maybe I'm totally wrong about you. Again, I doubt this, but you could be a fantastic liar.

--Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

I find that hard to believe that they wouldn't notice, it'd be pretty hard to miss.

And Kiba isn't going anywhere. Even you can do better.

Polite--Hardly. He sleeps during class and still throws snowballs.

Funny--His sense of humor is limited to the most caveman level potty humor.

Hasn't tried to make any inappropriate moves--Except when he semi-raped you the other day against the locker. You should file for sexual assault, by the way.

And how would _I_ know who's right for you? Figure it out yourself, or run off and cry to your friend until she does it for you.

Or maybe if you opened your eyes, you'd notice them.

And I am not always mean to you. You just happen to cause small disasters where ever you go. Or just act annoying in some shape or form.

--Sasuke

P.S. I appreciate things.

* * *

Sasuke, 

With my parents? It's entirely possible.

Dear Kami in heaven, Sasuke-kun-- oh, wait, sorry, I promised I wouldn't call you that. But anyway, we're just DATING, for Gods sakes. It's not like we're exchanging vows.

1- He's polite to me. And he's good with my friends and totally understands the Girl Rules.

2- It is not. He can be funny without being crude.

3- I was a willing participant to that. Besides, it's not unusual that a boyfriend should want to kiss his girlfriend, honestly Sasuke.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that Ino had something to do with Kiba, but I have no proof because she vehemently denies this. And don't you DARE say something about Ino's choice in men, because I will NEVER speak to you again if you so much as utter a word about it.

Touché, Sasuke.

EVERYTHING is annoying to you! I mean, I was nice to you, and I got glared at and told to get the fuck away from you. You'd be surprised at how much your words can hurt someone, Sasuke.

--Sakura

P.S- Oh yeah? Like what, your precious tomatoes?

* * *

Sakura, 

Look, is something screwy going with your family? Because you sound weird (er).

Whatever Sakura, it's just a stupid name. And dating leads to marriage, which is another reason why you shouldn't date him—you aren't ready for that.

Fine Sakura, _fine_. Since you obviously think that he is just so great, I won't waste my time. Go do whatever with him. Jump off a cliff to signify your undying love or whatever crap he's got you believe. I hope you're happy.

--Sasuke

P.S. I don't have a problem with Ino and the guys she dates—why would I care, anyway?

P.P.S. I was just having a bad day when I told you to get lost.

P.P.P.S. I appreciate more then you think, Sakura.

* * *

Sasuke, 

What family is normal?

Not every date leads to marriage. I've dated other guys previously and you don't see US at the alter.

You want to know something, Sasuke-kun? Listen up, and listen up good, buddy boy. What you say to me? That HURTS. Kiba is a great guy, but I don't love him. It's not possible when my heart belongs to someone else. I'll let you figure out whom, though you won't act on it if you DO understand.

And another thing: I'm not happy, Sasuke. Go appreciate that, since you're in such a foul fucking mood.

--Sakura

P.S- You always tell me to get lost.

P.P.S- Then why can't you _show_ it?

* * *

Sakura, 

I get that, at least. Though most of my family is dead.

You don't love Kiba? Seriously?

--Sasuke

P.S. I tell most people to get lost. What I say and what I mean tend to get mixed up sometimes.

P.P.S. I do, you should pay more attention.

* * *

Sasuke (kun), 

I know you hate sympathy, but I really am sorry about your family. But...at least you have your friends, and we'll always care about you, even IF most times you can act like a jerk.

Speaking of which, I'm sorry I flipped out on you. It's been a long week.

No, I don't love Kiba, and he knows this. We're dating, but it's more of a friends-with-benefits thing. Our relationship is hardly serious.

--Sakura

P.S- So basically every time you were telling me to get lost it meant the complete opposite? I'll...have to remember that?

P.P.S- I've been trying to not get my hopes up. And what do you appreciate anyway?

* * *

Sakura, 

Whatever, it's all in the past now. I just have to take care of a few things and it'll be over once and for all.

We only have three more finals this week, right? And our math project, (which is only half done) is due Monday?

So, you don't love Kiba. It's not going to last for very long, is it?

--Sasuke

P.S. No, I didn't mean that. I was speaking more in general.

P.P.S. What do you mean by 'trying not to get your hopes up?'

* * *

Sasuke-kun, 

Yeah, I've decided to add on that honorific again, simply because I'm just used to adding it and I will admit it's a little fun to annoy you.

You enjoy being annoyed by me, don't deny it!

Urgh, don't remind me about those vile tests. You are correct about all of them, as usual.

How long our relationship lasts all depends.

--Sakura

P.S- Yeah, I thought as much.

P.P.S- Erm...yeah, I'm not going to explain that to you. Oof--bell rang. See you seventh period

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Well the shit barely missed the fan

How goeth the flirting with PH and ass-kicking with Temari-whore?

So, big day today. I've kind of been a bitch to Sasuke, though I had good reason to, and when he flipped out at me over my relationship with Kiba I blew up at him and...

Well, I almost told him I loved him. Hell, it was right between the lines, but he didn't notice. I don't know whether to be thankful of this or cry.

But at any rate, what have you gotten with the dirt on Temari? Anything more, besides what few Gaara and Kankuro provided you with? Wait, since the two of them are there I highly doubt that you'll be going to Dunkin Donuts.

...damn, I was hoping for free coffee.

--Sakura

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Score one for the shit!

You want to know about my day? Of course you do.

Because The Burger King and I are officially AT WAR.

And he can threaten me with a pay cut all he wants—I KNOW UNETHICAL WHEN I SEE IT! Because seriously, unethical stuff does not happen without my stamp of approval. I am the queen of all that is unethical.

I'll just describe The Burger King for you: late twenties-early thirties, droopy eyes, apparently engaged to some horror known as Marla—and his name is Tim. And he is a scum bag who I LOATHE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

FIRST he criticized my clothes. THEN my make-up. THEN my hair. THEN my attitude.

AND THEN HE GOT ON GAARA'S AND KANKURO'S CASES ABOUT LOOKING FUNNY!

No. He shall never be forgiven. That guy is going _down_.

So, anyway, the three of us are plotting on how to freak him out. Any ideas?

AND OH MY GOD, YOU ALMOST TOLD HIM THAT YOU LOVED HIM? HOLY CRAP!

…

How did this happen? Did he get all angry and possessive again and then you said something to make him happy—or what?

And The Temari Unit and I have reached a truce. Or at least, she thinks we have. I am just allowing her to go along with this thought.

….

Deviously yours,

--Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: More like score one for me

Wow. What an _asshole_. I mean, who cares about that? You HAVE been dressing more nicely, haven't you Ino?

Hmm...do you know what he's afraid of? Whatever it is, use it against him. If nothing can be found, I suggest hiring some gay guy to come in and hit on him, or buy this huge, hairy tarantula and drop it down his shirt or something.

I HIGHLY doubt that possessiveness. He just thinks Kiba is all wrong for me and told me to open my eyes and find the guy who is. Then, when I asked him who that was, he wouldn't say and then got all defensive about it. And...he told me that if I loved Kiba that much that I should go jump off a cliff to prove my undying love, or some other bullshit like that.

So I told him straight out that what he had said hurt me, since I didn't love Kiba because my heart belongs to someone else and that I wasn't going to apologize if he was going to be such an asshole. He didn't say sorry, but I like to think that he was.

Hahaha, oh Pig, what are you going to do to her? Do I even want to know? Cause it'll probably give me nightmares. Or the good kind of goose bumps. Whichever.

--Sakura

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: The plan is in action!

Yes, I have been dressing more nicely. I am copying you on your biker shots fad and wearing them under my skirt. I feel so…covered.

AND YESTERDAY I WORE A SWEATSHIRT! (Try to contain yourself. It isn't often that I lower myself to wear what you mortals pretend to be 'clothing.')

But the fear thing is just the problem! He's freaking impossible! I swear, I've tried everything—I shut him in a closet, (claustrophobia, and darkness) set his tie on fire, (he freaked out at that, but Gaara says that this is a relatively normal thing. Bugger.)

I even paid Kankuro twenty bucks to slap his butt! Unfortunately, he somehow found out that I was responsible, and I have been confined to the deep-fryer for the rest of the week. CURSES.)

But I'm not worried. I will find his weakness eventually—and then exploit it mercilessly, since that's what I do best, after all.

Alright, since I'm frankly disgusted with Sasuke's blindness, so you're on your own from this point on, girlfriend. Honestly, I might be good at manipulation, but I need _humans_—not _robots_.

Good luck,

--Ino

P.S. I want him to apologize.

P.P.S. And call you a princess.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: ...what plan?

And this dude is STILL calling you a whore?! Pshaw, obviously he has no idea that what you're wearing right now is MODEST. Stupid, stupid men.

What, is it cold in McDonalds or something? I thought you'd be hot since you've been banished to the Deep Fryers o' DOOM.

Hmmm... Pig, I think you may need to step your game up a little bit. Okay, let's think. What is EVERY man afraid of?

You suck for not helping me with Sasuke. Big time. Watch, I'm going to do something stupid and then when I do, I'm fully blaming you for it.

--Sakura

P.S- This is SASUKE we're talking about.

P.P.S- See above.

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Oh, I forgot to mention said plan in last e-mail…

THE PLAN THAT WILL WREAK HAVOC ON NEWYORK AND MAKE PH MINE, OF COURSE!

…

I just have to think of one…

Alright, I thought long and hard about your 'what is every man afraid of?' riddle, and I THOUGHT I had a pretty good idea of what it was.

So, yesterday I pushed The Burger King out into speeding traffic.

He was nearly hit by a bus, almost had a heart attack, and staggered back onto the sidewalk a gibbering mass of hysterics. I think I have found his weakness!

…I am just ignoring PH who is being unsupportive (AGAIN) and telling me that I would be doing the same thing if he pushed ME out into traffic. Jerk. Although I have to be on my best behavior for the next few days since he sort of bailed me out of jail. (The Burger King took the traffic thing WAY too seriously.)

I think PH is kind of mad at me. Apparently, it cost a lot of money to get me out of there…Blech, now I feel bad! (He is refusing to talk to me right now. There is a curious achy feeling in my chest. I think the water at prison must have been bad.)

Woeful love,

--Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: ...Oh God

Nice plan, pig.

...Ino, I was, uhm, talking about commitment being the thing they fear...

I cannot BELIEVE you pushed him into freaking traffic. I am so proud of you! But sorry, I think you're in the wrong, here. You probably would be said "gibbering mass of hysterics" if someone pushed YOU into oncoming traffic.

Wow, you... I can't believe you were in jail, Ino-pig. And I believe that achy feeling you have in your chest would be your heart breaking, because PH isn't talking to you and that hurts you. You just didn't know it, but you ought to be thankful that you have my genius-ness to guide your way.

--Sakura

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Oh shut up, it's a work in progress

Okay, yes, so I was slightly illegal and reckless with the whole pushing into traffic thing. But still, he over-reacted.

And dude, prison was WEIRD. (Even if I was only in there for like, four hours. They made me wear an orange jumpsuit. It was the most hideous thing I have ever seen—I ripped off a little bit of the collar for the specific purpose of BURNING THE DAMN THING.

Though it was amusing when I got everyone to start singing 'Let My People Go!' (That Moses song, or whatever.)

And you are so wrong about that heart-breaking thing. I'm like the Grinch-who-stole-Christmas—three sizes too small, and all that.

But I am annoyed at the jerk. Shika hasn't talked to me for almost TWO DAYS now! Temari burned my toast on purpose, The Burger King is out for revenge, and my hair smells like grease, thanks to the stupid fryer.

…

I think I need a hug…

--Ino

P.S. How are things with you and Kiba?

P.P.S. I just attempted to hug Shikamaru, and was rejected for almost-the-first-time in my life. Weird achy feeling just got worse, so I took some aspirin. It isn't helping.

P.P.P.S. Am so desperate that I have just hugged Temari. She has been awarded brownie points for making me hot chocolate and not asking any questions.

P.P.P.P.S. But she's still going down.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: But I didn't say anything!

What the hell?! They made you wear an orange jumpsuit?! But they only make you wear that if you've murdered someone! Oh, wait...

Ino, PLEASE. You're talking to ME, here. I am NEVER wrong. And see?! It just proves my point, because aspirin cannot cure heartbreak. I think you're in a case of D E N I A L.

But you do sound like you've had a rough week (granted that you brought most of it upon yourself...) so I'm giving you a virtual hug right now. My poor piggy.

--Sakura

P.S- Things are going really well. He's taken me out to dinner a couple of times, but we try not to show too much PDA. It gets Sasuke-kun really mad. I don't understand what his problem is. I mean, _really_. Kiba and I have been going out for three weeks now; Sasuke-kun should be used to it by now.

P.P.S- Wow. You really **must** be desperate!

P.P.P.S- But of course. After all, a cheetah doesn't change their spots.

* * *

**A/N- Hey everyone, Missa here! Well, this is a short(er) chapter, which is good for us because Missa has those GOD-AWFUL FINALS! Yes, pray for my pitiful soul. Now, I just want to make one thing clear: I love you all. To me, getting one hundred and twenty one reviews by the fourth chapter is a HUGE accomplishment. So thank you all! You guys are freaking amazing. BUT ANYWAY, I know that this chapter is shorter than most by like, half, but Ren's had finals and, lucky her, is now out of school. But I have them coming up, and I have the two evil's back-to-back (Biology and Italian) so I really gotta study, especially if I want to pass for the year. So...yeah. That explains why this chapter is shorter than the rest. But despite the shortness, hoped you guys liked it, and don't forget to leave your opinions in a review!**


	6. Action6: Explosion

A/N: Ren here. (Hi people!)

Okay, I keep on forgetting to say this, so sorry. Anyway, I realize that in this story Temari is not put in a necesarily...'positive light.' We aren't intentionally bashing her, it's just that this is from Ino's POV, so to her, Temari is the enemy. And Sakura goes a long with it because she's the supportive friend.

Yeah, I LIKE Temari. I like ALL of the charecters, actually.

So, yeah. Just wanted to clear that up. And thank all of you guys for the wonderful support, it's really nice to see. Thank you all, and I hope you enjoy.

**The Eccentric Files**

_Act6: Explosion_

From: xxRamenNinjaxx

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: The Bastard who likes to call himself 'Sasuke'

Hey Sakura-chan!

I realize that this is probably a bad time, seeing as you and Sasuke have—what, three days?—to finish your final project for math.

Oh wait; I'm in your group too, aren't I?

…

I'll be moral support! (Please? I'll treat you to ramen!)

Anyway, I think something's up with The Bastard. I mean, more then usual—I don't think we can write this one off as PMS. So seriously, do you have any idea what's wrong with the loser? He sort of broke Kiba's arm in gym today. Well, _maybe_ he didn't break it, but the last I saw of him Kiba was in the nurse's office.

Seriously, how can someone 'accidentally' hit someone in the head with a chair? (But it was pretty funny, all the cheerleaders are seriously afraid of Sasuke now. I laugh at him in all his bitchy-ness.)

You go over to his house today, don't you? Okay, a word of warning: Sasuke doesn't like it when you throw ramen at his ceiling. Almost ripped my ear off when I did that. Jeez, control freak.

The very awesome number one ninja,

--Naruto

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: Who _likes_ to call himself Sasuke? What else would he be called, Ernest?

Sasuke-kun and I knew beforehand that you weren't gonna do anything. But I'll take up that offer on the ramen.

He broke Kiba's arm?! Remind me to stab him when I get to his house. I said that he was jealous since I'm dating Kiba, but he got all pissy on me. Seriously, I think he would've been less mad if I had shoved a stick up his ass.

Naruto, NO ONE likes to have ramen thrown at their ceiling. You're lucky your nuts are still intact.

--Sakura

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I like to call him 'Blech' myself

Thank you O Wonderful Math Goddess, please be kind to my Geometry grade. And um, I can come over to Sasuke's with you if you want, though he might refuse to let me inside. And what the hell is with people and ramen on their ceiling? It is ARTWORK I tell you! Ramen noodles dry in very interesting patterns. Plus they make the room smell good. He is just a NEAT-FREAK.

I've always known that Sasuke was an over-reacting, melodramatic, hormonal teenager. I mean, violence is not the answer man—

Wait.

…

YOU'RE DATING KIBA?! WHAT THE HELL?! I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO DATE UNTIL YOU WERE MARRIED! WE MADE A PINKY PROMISE IN KINDERGARTEN! WHY ARE YOU DATING KIBA?! WHY?! _WHY CRUEL WORLD?!_

I'm going to BREAK. HIS. OTHER. ARM.

The supremely pissed off but still number one ninja,

--Naruto

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: Don't let his fan girls hear you call him that

Oh _ew_, I am DEFINATELY not a math goddess. You're right, Sasuke-kun probably wouldn't let you come inside, but you can try, since every time we speak we always wind up fighting. Kind of like you and him.

_Yes_, Naruto, I AM dating Kiba. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with us dating.

...Naruto, that was K-I-N-D-E-R-G-A-R-T-E-N. Back then I thought every boy but you had cooties.

And if you touch Kiba, you're on ramen restriction for two weeks.

--Sakura

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Those THINGS scare the crap out of me

Oh whatever, in my eyes you are since I still need a calculator for long division. Do not tell Sasuke that, he will gloat. And then rub it in my face. And then I will have to throw ramen at his ceiling again—and I don't know if I can survive his wrath again.

Seriously, he is _violent_. We should get him a gift certificate to a yoga class or something.

How bad is the fighting with Sasuke by the way? He gets pretty nasty when he's upset—I can, um, _try_ to beat him up for you.

Or just throw an egg at him and run for my life—like I did in fifth grade.

Okay, you can date Kiba. Kiba is cool—yes. Kiba will not touch you inappropriately without your consent. I think.

You know, he _really_ wouldn't be able to touch you if he couldn't move either of his arms. But okay, I'll leave you guys alone. Mostly.

And when we were in kindergarten, I seem to remember that pinky promises lasted FOREVER. What happened to that? (You seriously thought I was the only one who didn't have cooties? I feel so special. I AM GOING TO RUB THIS IS SASUKE'S FACE.)

Don't you dare take my ramen from me. I start getting twitchy after three days—I don't even want to think about what'll happen in two weeks.

The cootie-free number one ninja,

--Naruto

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: COOTIES ATTACK!

Sakura-chan thinks you have cooties. It appears that you will, indeed, die a virgin.

Don't freak out on her when she comes over to your place to work on your math project in a few hours. Seriously, obsessive cleaning is not very attractive.

Dude, why the hell did you break Kiba's arm? I'm enrolling you in an anger-management class.

The number one ninja,

--Naruto

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: Moron

Just because I don't live in filth does not mean that I clean obsessively, idiot.

I didn't break Kiba's arm, the idiot brought it upon himself.

And I don't have cooties.

--Sasuke

P.S. Knock it off with the ninja crap.

P.P.S. I am going to kill you about the egg thing. The next time you climb up a tree and launch yourself at my window, wait until I open it—don't just crash through the glass. You're paying for that by the way. And for my appointment with the hairstylist to get the damn yolk out of my hair.

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: Bastard

SASUKE HAS COOTIES!

The still number one ninja, pay no attention to the peanut gallery,

—Naruto

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Naruto

I didn't break Kiba's arm and I don't have cooties. I need you to come over at 6:30 instead of 6—I need a haircut.

--Sasuke

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: I seem to remember being one of those fangirls, Uzumaki Naruto

A yoga class? You must be joking. I'd bet that after fifteen minutes of having to do Pilates, Sasuke-kun would probably kill the instructor.

I know how he gets when he's mad, but I've handled him. And I think I made him sorry, though God knows he'd never utter those words. I can handle him myself, Naruto, but thanks anyway.

No, you WILL leave us alone. Sasuke-kun does that whole I'm-watching-you-Inuzuka-so-if-you-touch-her-I'll-know-about-it-and-I'll-kill-you thing enough, I don't need you added to the mix as well. Our relationship is complicated enough.

But maybe while Kiba and I are busy, you can go hang out with Hinata-chan.

Once again, Naruto, that was K-I-N-D-E-R-G-A-R-T-E-N. I was five. And Sasuke-kun told me that you told him about that whole cootie thing.

That's it, mister-- I'm not making you my specialty ramen for five days.

--Sakura

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: I'll kill him later

I know you don't have cooties, Sasuke-kun. Pay no mind to Naruto; he's just gloating over the fact that when we were in Kindergarten (KINDERGARTEN!) I thought every boy but him had cooties.

Why do you need a haircut? Your hair looks perfectly fine to me. It's not getting long, or anything. Is it getting in your eyes...?

--Sakura

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I was just kidding now…don't get out the blow-torch…

But I want to see Sasuke in the 'dead possum' and 'peeing dog' positions or whatever the hell they're called. THINK ABOUT IT SAKURA-CHAN!

Sakura-chan, I don't think Sasuke knows how to be sorry. His manufactures forgot to program the emotion into him. (I don't care what you say, I still think he's a genetically engineered robot-freak. He can probably spit acid and shoot lasers from his eyes.) But seriously, the only three emotions I have ever seen on him are angry-bored, angry-sad, and angry-HEAR-ME-ROAR!

I didn't know you knew about me and Hinata-chan. Um... I have a question that I think you, as a female, will be able to answer. Why is it that Hinata flips out whenever I try to give her a ring? I thought girls like jewelry/shiny stuff. It wasn't half as bad when I gave her a coupon to ramen.

Sasuke TOLD on me about the cooties thing? What is he, like, five?! "Oh no, teacher, teacher! Naruto stole my red crayon again!"

Whatever, that crayon was _mine_ and it was _crimson_ according to Crayola.

The number one ninja,

Naruto

P.S. DO NOT WITHHOLD THE RAMEN FROM ME, WOMAN! MY LEFT HAND IS ALREADY TWITCHING.

P.P.S. I am never going to let that crayon thing go. Seriously. He was such a teachers-pet.

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Please do.

Why was Naruto exempt from the cooties paranoia? He was dirty. He rolled in the mud. And ate it. I was very clean and did not have cooties—I even shared the red crayon with you sometimes.

Due to recent encounters with the moronic dip-shit sometimes known as 'Naruto', I have egg yolk lodged in my hair. And it is not coming out. So I'll see you in two hours.

--Sasuke

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: Don't tempt me

...you're stupid. "Peeing dog" position?! In yoga?! I'll have to make Hinata-chan take YOU to a yoga class, so that you can learn the proper names.

I think you've been watching too many Sci-Fi movies. Sasuke-kun, for the last time, is NOT a robot. The only reason YOU ever see those emotions is because you're stupid enough to provoke his anger.

Hmm... probably because when you propose, you give your girlfriend a ring. But we DO like jewelry. Try giving her a necklace-- she won't flip out as bad. Or earrings.

Naruto, LET IT GO. You WERE the one who stole the crayon, because I was watching you two. You took it from his 64-crayon box and then swore vehemently that it was yours.

--Sakura

P.S- Good. You know how when little kids are bad, they get put in time-out? Well, consider me not making you my ramen that you love so much as time-out.

P.P.S- He wasn't a teachers pet. You're just sore because his finger painting was nicer than yours.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: But isn't that YOUR job to kill him?

Well, Naruto was my first friend there. And he was nicer than you were. The times that you shared your red crayon with me were very rare-- all the other times you were just mean to me and called me worthless. AND you made fun of my drawings!

Now I remember why I hated you so much. MY HOUSE WAS DEFINATELY PRETTIER THAN YOURS!

How in the seven hells did Naruto get YOLK in your hair?! What'd he do, throw an egg through the window?

--Sakura

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: SIR, YESSIR!

DO NOT MAKE ME GO TO YOGA CLASS! I FEAR ENYA AND OTHER SLEEP-INDUCING MUSIC!

Like seriously, how do they expect you to RELAX when your head has somehow managed to touch your spine?!

Look, name THREE TIMES when Sasuke hasn't been sulking/angry/depressed. Robot I tell you. And he has an aversion to water—a CLEAR INDICATOR that he's worried his hard-drive is going to zap.

Plus, he can like, multiply ridiculously large numbers in his head. That isn't normal. It's the built in calculator in his brain, savvy?

Hey, Sakura-chan—is it a bad thing that Hinata has suddenly taken said ring and is demanding, (I seriously didn't think that was even possible) I meet her family? Do you normally do that when you date someone? Because I've known you for YEARS and I've NEVER see your 'rents.

Concerning the crimson crayon: Kindergarten is all about SHARING. Sasuke needed to GET. OVER. IT. It was ONE crayon—and I was only borrowing it! It's not my fault the dork carried 64 crayons around with him, unlike us, who had 12.

The number one ninja who can borrow crayons whenever he pleases,

--Naruto

P.S. F-Fine! I DON'T NEED YOU!

(Seriously, I need my ramen. I tried making the instant stuff a minute ago and burned the water.)

P.P.S. If Sasuke's finger painting was better than mine, then it was better than yours too. And he was a total teachers pet. He actually brought her an apple on the first day of school. I thought they only did that in cartoons.

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: He heals too quickly, it's getting boring. Your turn.

How exactly did you two become friends?

…

Wait.

That was about the red crayon, wasn't it? The one he STOLE from me? And then when the teacher said he couldn't have any of that days snack, (in punishment) you shared your cookies with him.

I shared the red crayon with you a lot. You were holding the record at seven times. And your drawings WERE pathetic. You drew a ninja princess _every single time_.

--Sasuke

P.S. Your house didn't have a chimney. Mine did. It was obviously superior. I can show you the two drawings for proof.

P.P.S. Naruto throwing an egg through my window is not that surprising.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: DID YOU JUST CALL ME SIR?!

Hey! Enya is very pretty. Have you ever listened to Only Time? It's a beautiful song. Oh Naruto, they make you put your legs behind your head and stuff. _I_ can put my head to my spine; all you gotta do is lean your head back and you're touching the base of it.

1) All seven times he leant me his crayon. He wasn't being mean THEN.

2) When I crashed into him, he asked if I was okay.

3) The first day we came to school.

Naruto, I've WATCHED him drink water. And the numbers may seem big to YOUR tiny brain, but they're really not all that big. Besides, Sasuke-kun is the second smartest kid in school.

No, you meeting Hinata-chan's family isn't bad if you're dating her; after all, I've met Kiba's family. And there is a _very_ good reason why you haven't met my family.

The more crayons you have, the prettier the picture. (Even though my drawings TOTALLY owned his; I don't care what he says. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, NARUTO?!)

--Sakura

P.S- Alright, I'll come over your house tomorrow and make you some, since you obviously can't function properly without me.

P.P.S- You're just mad because when YOU brought the teacher an apple the next day, when she bit into it she took off a good chunk of a worm that was in there.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: Oh thank you, kind sir. Would you like me to lick your boots for you while you're being so gracious?

Well, I felt bad for him. And besides, he looked kinda lonely.

NUH-UH! I drew a unicorn a couple of times! AND I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU DRAWING KNIGHTS, BUDDY BOY! My ninja princess' were TOTALLY better than yours, you jerk.

--Sakura

P.S- My house didn't have a chimney because I had a chiminea outside!

P.P.S- Okay, Naruto throwing an egg through your window ISN'T surprising. But you didn't answer my question.

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: You know very well that I get my pronouns mixed up

Enya sounds like a bunch of people mooing. With harps and pianos and whatever freaky instruments they use going on in the background.

I just tried to put my legs behind my head. I lost my balance and fell off the chair—there was a snapping noise. It might've had to do with me landing in the splits. I don't think I'll be able to walk for a while.

Hey. I just noticed something—all three of the above times were happening to you. Why is it that you get all the luck?! And dude—Sasuke let you use the crimson crayon? I didn't think that anyone other than him was allowed to BREATHE on his stuff. He never let ME use his crayons.

I still say he's a robot. He twitches a lot when you poke his sides—probably a glitch in the system. I mean, it has to be that. The other possibility is that he's ticklish, and that possibility is just too horrible for me to contemplate.

Um, I just realized that by meeting Hinata's family, I'll have to eat politely. SAKURA-CHAN, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I have this feeling that they might eat me if I throw ramen at their ceiling.

I think that my drawings were better than yours AND Sasuke's. But yeah, the ninja babes you drew were pretty hot, I must say. What was it that he was always drawing again? I can't remember.

Number one ninja,

Naruto

P.S. THANK YOU, I PROMISE TO BEHAVE FROM NOW ON, OH LOVELY RAMEN COOKING GODDESS.

P.P.S. My apple was better. It had protein.

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Don't. These are new shoes.

Whatever. You obviously know mine were better since your flipping out over it. And those things with four legs were unicorns? I thought they were cows.

I'll see you in thirty minutes. Bring a protractor, I can't find mine.

--Sasuke

P.S. Your roof was the same color as the building. It looked like a giant blob. I have the picture sitting right next to me—I would know.

P.P.S. The egg yolk's out now, it doesn't matter what the idiot did. But now my hair is sticking up in the back.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: Excuses excuses

I should most definitely be offended by that. Enya is pretty! When I come over there tomorrow you are DEFINATELY listening to it. I'll make you listen to it.

Yeah, I think the only person Sasuke-kun is actually nice to is ME. I wonder why that is...?

Duh, Naruto, of COURSE he's ticklish. Tickle his feet-- it'll make him squeal like a little girl. (Trust me, I did that once and I thought it was INO.)

Naruto, if you throw ramen at the Hyuuga's ceilings they'd probably do something that involves knives and your butt. You probably DON'T wanna know.

Alright, this weekend I'll teach you the proper etiquette on how to eat. AND I'll obviously have to pick your clothes out for you too, since knowing you you'd probably just go there in a t-shirt and jeans and think it's acceptable.

He liked to draw knights. And please, my ninja princess' TOTALLY pwned yours like, tenfold.

--Sakura

P.S- Damn right you'll behave.

P.P.S- Sure, if you can count eating worms as having protein. Cause, y'know, that's JUST how I like my apples-- it's the same way I like my cereal boxes, with the little surprise inside.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: I wasn't REALLY going to lick your shoes. I'd rather stab myself

You know, just for insulting my unicorns AND my houses, I should totally skip going over your house.

Well, Kiba said that I could always go over HIS if I wanted to. Hmmm...

--Sakura

P.S- Sasuke, your hair's ALWAYS stuck up in the back. What are you, blind?!

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I'm good with them.

Fine, I'll listen to your hippie music. But I'm mooing along.

This is true, he is relatively nice to you compared to others. Dang. You must scare the hell out of him or something. He's been pretty nasty lately though—ever since you started dating Kiba—

OH.

SASUKE'S GOT A CRUSH! SASUKE'S GOT A CRUSH!

I am **never** letting him live this down.

Wait—you KNEW he was ticklish and you never TOLD me?! I thought we were best friends Sakura-chan! WHERE IS THE LOVE?! Okay, we have to gang up on him. I'll hold him down, you tickle his feet. I seriously have to hear this squealing. How did you manage to tickle his feet anyway? Was this a while ago? Cause he's a lot bigger now, and the two of you only started really interacting a few months ago.

I knew I should have gone to manners school. Seriously. I think Neji might spread rumors about me or something…

Sakura-chan, I'm scared! Hold me!

Ninja-dude,

--Naruto

P.S. My lygers ATE your ninja babes and trampled Sasuke's knights.

P.P.S. Ew…last time I eat breakfast with YOU…

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: It's a secret….

SASUKE LIKES SAKURA, SASUKE LIKES SAKURA!

…

Oh, and I told her you did.

You know, it's probably a good thing that you can't touch me right now. And I should probably not click the 'send' button. But I'm going to anyway.

Time to re-locate…

Ninja to the extreme,

--Naruto

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Don't bleed on me.

Do not listen to Naruto. Ever. Or Kiba.

And if you don't come over then I won't work on the project and we'll both fail Geometry. Get over here.

--Sasuke

P.S. My hair looks like a duck's ass. Before now it just kind of flipped out a little. I feel like some sort of retarded comic book character Naruto likes to read about.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: Obviously, since you called me SIR and are thinking you're gonna get away with it

Naruto, if you moo, you will NEVER be able to have little blond-haired idiots running around. And that's a PROMISE.

WHAT?! Me and Sasuke-kun?! No, he doesn't like me like that, Naruto. He's ALWAYS been unpleasant. He's always hated Kiba, too, so he's just mad because one of his... acquaintances is dating one of his enemies.

I found out on accident. I was over his house and talking on the phone with Ino cause we were working on the Geometry project and my toe brushed the bottom of his foot and I heard this girlish scream and I thought it was Ino, but it wasn't. My last choice was Sasuke-kun, obviously, but he looked tensed, so I figured it out. And he made me promise on pain of death that I'd NEVER mention it aloud again.

Neji isn't that kind of guy! I think.

Naruto, if I held you, you'd probably crush me; you're too damn tall!

--Sakura

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: Jeez, bloodophobe much?

Since when do _I_ listen to Naruto? And what does Kiba have to do with this?

Or you could always come to me, instead of being such a freaking alpha male.

--Sakura

P.S- Actually, before it looked like a CHICKEN'S ass. But your little "hair flippy thing" is what we call a cowlick. Get it?

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Whatever

Just get over here, will you? I need you to eat some turkey—the lady next door keeps on thinking that she needs to feed me and I don't want to just throw it away.

--Sasuke

P.S. It's sticking up at a ninety degree angle. It was maybe half this bad before.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

So, how goes it with PH and McDonalds? Talk to me, because I hate Geometry. Which is why I'm texting you. SO...BORED...

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

All is well. I kick ass at making French fries. I meet Chouji tomorrow, so I'm really nervous. Are you at home? Ditch geometry and party.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

Probably because you were banished back there. And no, I'm with Sasuke-kun.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

Banished? Only a little. Should I dress nice for Chouji? Having fun with Sasuke? You jumped him yet?

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

Yeah, OKAY. How long've you been there? Exactly--banished. And, uhm... yeah, dress nice. Not TOO nice, though. NO I HAVE NOT JUMPED HIM, YAMANAKA INO! Pervert.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

Thanks. I heard Chouji owns a restaurant, so there will be good food. Why have you not jumped him yet? Are you guys just doing math?

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

Oh really, what kind? And yeah, we're just doing that Geometry project.

* * *

To: Sakura

From: Ino

Italian, which means I'll be in heaven as I swell up like a balloon. I don't believe you guys are doing math. Some date. Tell Sasuke I say 'Hi.'

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

Ino! We aren't on a date, and he said he blames you if we fail our Geometry project. And now he's yelling at me to stop texting you. Bastard.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

Grouch. Tell him you're talking to Ino—NOT KIBA, and that he needs to stop being a monopolizing jealous dork.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

He started yelling that he's not jealous, he has no REASON to be jealous and that I should stop texting because you're dividing my attention from what's important.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

Damn he's jealous. (Things that are important…? Like HIM maybe?) Did he feed you yet? Demand food if not. His neighbor is a very good cook.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

No, he meant the Geometry project. And I'm eating her turkey as we speak-- it's so good!

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

FINE, just stomp the romance from life. Pretend to choke on your meat and see if he gives you CPR. Oh, and PH is ditching The Bitch to introduce me to Chouji. Muahahaha.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

What are you, crazy?! You must be desperate. Haha, Temari-Bitch. Haha.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

Just do it. Ten bucks says he has a heart attack and has no idea what to do. My victory over Temari would be more satisfying if she wasn't having a fashion show tomorrow.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

I am NOT choking and dying for your sick satisfaction. And I'm praying that Temari trips and falls. Hey, that sounds like a good idea...

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

Fine, killjoy. Can you just make out with him then? (I am praying she trips too. Maybe I should rig her shoes…)

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Houston, we have a problem...

Sorry that I just stopped texting you abruptly, but see that subject thing? Majorly true.

So, Sasuke-kun and I were doing the Geometry project, and we were having a little bit of trouble. I said that maybe I should just call you or text you or something, but you know Sasuke-kun and his pride, and he refused. Then I ever-so-innocently said that Kiba was good at this stuff, so maybe I should give him a call, and Sasuke-kun _SNAPPED_. He started yelling about how ever since I've been seeing Kiba he's all I ever talk about and he's been driving away my attention from my school work and so how am I supposed to get to college if all I ever think about is some stupid boy?

Well, I was pretty mad too. So I told him that he was an idiot and that I don't know WHY he hates me dating Kiba so much but that he better get over it because I don't even want to talk to him if he's going to be mean to me, just like he always is, and then I stormed out of the house.

So now Sasuke-kun and I are fighting again, and that damned Geometry thing STILL isn't finished.

I'm really in a pickle, aren't I, Ino-pig?

--Sakura

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Well, you could always land the damn rocket ship.

That ding-bat. Good for you on the dramatic exit—I hoped you remembered to stomp and slam the door. But he really has no right to tell you that stuff—meaning I will be having _words_ with him.

He is so obviously jealous. You're starting to irritate me with your blind little denial issues, by the way. If you people would just shut up and make out already, none of this would happen.

Then again, I love drama. Soap operas especially, (do not laugh at me, I know you watch cartoons on Saturday mornings) so maybe these love spats of yours are a good thing.

I just thought of something—you do realize that your guys' way of flirting is fighting, right? Wow, that's kind of kinky.

You have two days to get that project done Sakura. Two days. Either you patch things up with Sasuke, or get someone to help you finish the entire thing by yourself. In any case, I would talk to Kiba. He is pretty good at math, and you really should figure out where you guys are on the whole dating thing.

I'd say you're more in a pumpkin, Cinderella.

Now then, news about me:

-I have a sort of date tomorrow with Shika so I can meet Chouji. It is very important that I get along with him, since it will be very awkward between PH and I if I don't.

-Mr. Butters has run away from home. I am sick with worry, and have already started designing his tomb stone. This is not only bad because I love Mr. Butters and do not want anything to happen to him, but I am very unattractive when I cry, and I need all the help I can get in the beauty department, seeing as I live with Temari.

-Someone tried to rob McDonalds yesterday—though it wasn't on my shift, thank God. We apparently lost a lot of money, and now The Burger King is flipping out.

That's all,

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: I thought it was a space shuttle...?

Of course I slammed the door-- after all, I was pretty mad at him. Ooooh, Sasuke-kun's gonna get yelled at!

HE. IS. NOT. JEALOUS! I mean, in order for him to be jealous he'd have to see me as something more than an irritating classmate with whom he's forced to work with on this Geometry project, which is why he doesn't like me dating Kiba; apparently, it takes away my focus from that project.

If fighting was Sasuke-kun's way of flirting, he and Naruto would be fucking each other already.

Oh, EW! EW EW EW EW EW! Groooooss. Excuse me while I go bury my head under the covers and whimper with disgust.

I've already talked to Kiba, and he said that yes, he's helping me and we're just casually dating. It's nothing serious, Ino, and you know that. I don't have time for a real relationship. That's why Sasuke-kun and I wouldn't work out. It's for the best, really.

Alright, off the subject of me.

I'm sure you and Chouji will get along just fine. After all, who WOULDN'T like you? Even Temari's been nice to you on some occasions. (doesn't stop me from hating her, though.)

Oh dear. Have you talked to PH about this? You should make him drive around and go find poor Mr. Butters. I BET YOU THIS IS ALL TEMARI'S DOING, THAT SNEAKY LITTLE BITCH! She's probably sacrificing cats in order to make Shikamaru love her. Voodoo! Or, wait... would that be classified as voodoo?

Hmm... maybe you should dress in your sluttish clothes. A lot of guys will come there if you do, and you'll not only regain money (and thus resulting in a raise, perhaps) but you'll be back in The Burger King's good graces (and that will DEFINATELY earn you a raise.)

--Sakura

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Oh shut up.

I forgot that I am no longer voicing my opinions on your and Sasuke's relationship. Sorry. (But it's just so FUN to meddle with! Watch me pout…)

Naruto and Sasuke…?

I don't really want to know how your mind works you twisted—

Oh. Heeeeey, that's kind of hot. Oh wow, I must be really horny. Now I'm kind of disgusted with myself. Ack. Must find semi-naked picture of PH and ogle for a while…

Well, um, this is awkward. Shika apparently know that I have that picture of him with out his shirt, since he wrote me a little note on the back. 'Ino, do not stalk me so obviously. Flattering as it is, Temari would kick my ass if she found out and that would be a bother.'

Well, _sorry_.

(YOU AND SASUKE-KUN NOT GETTING TOGETHER IS FOR THE BEST?! ARE YOU HIGH?! Shutting up now. How dare you make me break my personal vow.)

Moving on to the Ino matters!

Um, several people dislike me. I'm pretty sure Sasuke doesn't like me, as well as Temari and…

I DON'T THINK SHIKA LIKES ME!!

It's true! I mean, I know I can be kind of…enthusiastic…but he calls me troublesome a lot. And Temari keeps on saying that he likes reserved girls—which, hello, I am not.

But—well, hopefully I get along with Chouji.

AND I STILL HAVE NOT FOUND MR.BUTTERS! I haven't told Shika yet since it's his cat, and I think he secretly likes it. I searched Temari's room in case she had incriminating evidence of her burning said cat or whatever—but no such luck. I do a little prayer for him every hour.

I would put back on my sluttish clothes…but I kind of like wearing jeans and sweatshirts now. I don't have to suck in my stomach all the time, or make sure my legs are perfectly tanned or—yeah. They're kind of comfy. I might give into the boss' demands for meeting the month's quota and put them back on though, if I REALLY have too.

See you later,

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: NEVER!!

NO! NO THAT IS NOT KINKY, IT IS JUST SICK AND WRONG AND... Okay, well, maybe a _little_ hot, BUT THAT'S STILL GROSS! (Okay, not really, but still.)

Hmmm, that must've meant he was in your room! Aha! Probably watching you sleep, or something, because he is secretly romantic and harboring feelings for you. (Okay, sorry, that was the Romeo and Juliet-ish coming out of me, which is what we're working on in Drama. Sasuke-kun, obviously, got Romeo. And some dip-shit put me in for Juliet, so now I am. Greeeeat.)

And what the hell? Did we agree on you not talking about mine and Sasuke-kun's (non) relationship? I don't...remember that...

OH NO! I'M LOOSING MY MIND! Oh, wait, I lost that a long time ago. WELL I LOST MY MEMORY! DAMN!

Of COURSE PH likes you! I mean, he's letting you stay at his house and stuff, right? And he wouldn't be taking you to go meet Chouji if he didn't! And since when do _you_ listen to _Temari_? Never.

I think that if you told PH, it would just help matters, and you guys would be able to find him.

I do believe getting a raise falls under Unless-I-Really-Have-To, yes?

--Sakura

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Don't make me bring up our second grade play and your 'moment' with Neji

I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE A CLOSET PERVERT! (Sasuke and Naruto, eh? Interesting…)

I confront Shika about the whole you-must-have-been-in-my-room-for-you-to-have-seen-this-picture-now-admit-it-you're-in-love-with-me! Unfortunately, it appears that I left said picture lying on the floor, and he was only in my room so he could get Mr. Butters.

I appears that he has noticed Mr. Butters's absence. This does not bode well…

You're in Romeo and Juliet?! But—wait, have you ever been in a play before? I guess you'd be good at it. I mean, you can memorize like no one else, and you have a certain flair—but dude. Sasuke and you as Romeo and Juliet.

Congratulations. The universe hates you. And you lost your mind/memory.

I meet Chouji in…three hours. Mr. Butters has not been found, PH is thankfully oblivious to my impending breakdown, my boss is actually PRESSURING ME to dress like a slut again, (seriously, why is everyone so against Ino-the-nice-girl?!) and Temari hinted that Shika likes independent women who can support themselves.

It's not MY fault my job is crap. Jeez. And I can TOO support myself—I just, um, like living here. Mr. Butters and all.

Instead of flipping the burgers I did my hair for my sort-of-date. It looks very pretty, I think. The Burger King just offered me a raise. I can not believe this. I feel kind of like a prostitute.

Do you think I should take it? I've dressed up before, it's not like it'll hurt anyone. And I'd be making $9.50 an hour instead of $7. It kind of means that I'd be submitting and compromising my tender, newly developed morals though.

But I really need the money.

Tell me how you do on the play, alright? When's the premier? I want to see it. I'll save up some money and come home to cheer you on.

Later,

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT!

Hey, YOU were the one who said it'd be kinky!

THAT WAS JUST HIM MAKING AN EXCUSE! Because you may be blond, but you're not stupid. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't leave such a picture lying around where TEMARI could find it.

And of course I've been in a play before; you just said it above, genius. The Play-With-Neji-That-Shall-Never-Be-Mentioned-Again.

But you ARE an independent and you DO (kind of) support yourself. I mean, you've got a job and stuff. Granted, it's at MCDONALDS, but at least it's SOMETHING, right?

I do think you should take it. I mean, it's only for a little while, right? Besides, (I cannot BELIEVE I'm saying this) it's what's on the inside that counts.

Uhm, it's May 14th. Which gives you a month to raise enough money. Maybe I'll sucker Naruto into driving up and coming to get you. Or maybe Kiba, cause he'd do it.

--Sakura

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: TOO LATE! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Er, I might've left said picture lying around. Or Mr. Butters might have moved it around, he likes to pick up my stuff and transport it sometimes. Like my underwear—yes, that was embarrassing.

And I know you've been in a play before, but not a PLAY play. Like, the last time was required and it was second grade. (And there was the Neji incident. How scandalous Sakura, how COULD you have accidentally pantsed a third grader ON STAGE?!)

Alright, I'll do it. It's just for a little while, and everyone who I care about already knows me. And if someone tries anything, I think Gaara and Kankuro will save my butt before things get TOO bad.

Woo-hoo! Extra money, here I come…(SEE?! I SUPPORT MYSELF!)

Okay, I'm coming. I'll have enough money by then to see you tragically die onstage and—OH MY GOD, IS THERE KISSING IN THIS PLAY?!

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: ...bitch.

Whaaat?! You never told me about The Underwear Incident. Tell me when you come in May, because I am SO gonna get you back for all those times you've told MY embarrassing secrets. Muahaha!

...oh, wait, you weren't supposed to know about my dastardly plan. Dammit!

It wasn't "accidentally", I did so on purpose. HE MADE FUN OF MY HAIR, THEREFORE HE HAD TO BE PUNISHED!

Exactly. Besides, you could probably save your own butt, never mind Kankuro and Gaara doing so.

See, Temari-bitch, my best friend CAN support herself! Screw you, she IS an (semi) independent woman!

Uhm, yeah, Romeo kisses Juliet at the end...

...Oh. Shit.

--Sakura

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: ShikamanXX

Subject: Listen...

Since Ino obviously doesn't want to tell you, I will, because she's on the edge of a nervous break down and if that happens, I WILL pull out your intestines through your eyeball sockets, got it buddy?

Mr. Butters has gone missing. Ino is quite attatched to Mr. Butters, and is now freaking out about it. So therefore, after you guys go meet Chouji, LOOK. FOR. MR. BUTTERS.

Oh, and in order to keep her raise and perhaps get more, Ino's gonna have to dress, ah, provocatively again. If you make ONE COMMENT about it... well, think of your poor intestines. Or I could do something else-- I'm a horror movie fanatic. I've watched every variation on how to kill someone. Remember that.

Have fun with Chouji!

--Sakura

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Oh shit

Ino, I am in DEEP. DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP! DEEPER THAN THE FREAKING OCEAN!

Okay, must calm down. Must think. Must not freak out.

Alright, well, remember how I told you that we were practicing for Romeo and Juliet? Well, Sasuke-kun and I are still angry with each other, so apparently I must've "on purpose" stepped on his foot during one of the scenes, but I didn't, so we started yelling at each other. And this is how it went.

Sasuke: "Goddammit, Sakura, you're so fucking annoying!"

Me: "Oh yeah?! Well how am I annoying, you asshole?!"

Sasuke: "Because now we have less time to work on the Geometry project and because all you ever think and talk about is your _precious_ little Kiba. If I knew that you would be stupid and date him then I would've stopped it earlier!"

Me: "Well the only reason I'm dating Kiba is to forget about the fact that I'm in love with you!"

And then... total silence. He didn't say he loved me back... he didn't even say anything. So I fled there, and urgh, now I'm crying all over Naruto's laptop.

I came to his house because I didn't wanna go home and have the kids all over me and worried, and I _can't_ face Kiba, so I came here. And Naruto-- sweet, sweet Naruto-- was just about to eat some ramen. But guess what he did? He gave it to me instead. I love that boy.

I don't know what to do, Ino-chan, and I REALLY wish you were here right now.

--Sakura

**Missa's note to the readers (because she is cool like that and yes, Ren, you can do this too for my A/N for the next chapter): Alright, the updates might come a little slower, and we're sorry, you guys. Really, we are, but it's summer vacation. VACATION. So yeah, please don't skin us alive if you only get updates every three weeks to a month. **


	7. Action7: Closing In

**The Eccentric Files**

_Act7: Closing In_

From: Angel4awhile

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: HOLY EFFING SNAP WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!

Oh my GOD. Are you serious?! YOU TOLD HIM!?

…Nothing like screaming at someone that you really fucking love them, I guess. Um.

Well, I guess it's all out now. I mean, you came clean so now it's all up to Sasuke. Feel better! At least forty years from now you won't be moping about, wondering what could have happened.

Um, when you had your little…heart-to-heart…with Sasu-chan, how many people were watching you? Just curious. PLUS, you shouldn't get all depressed! I mean, he hasn't REJECTED you or anything—I think he was probably just shocked. When people are screaming at me I don't expect proclamations of love. Just…um, wait and see what happens!

…Don't kill yourself. I know that Romeo and Juliet got away with it and were made into a play—but I've heard that dying can be messy. And, uh, I love you and would miss you. And stuff.

Keep me posted! I'd write more, but I have to go to my date with Shikamaru/Chouji now….

--Ino

* * *

From: ShikamanXX 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I love how demure you girls are

Jeez, I'm not going to say anything about Ino's clothing. I don't really pay attention anyway. She can walk around in her pajamas, for all I care.

I didn't know Mr. Butters was missing. Who is Mr. Butters? Oh wait—you mean the cat. That Thing likes to wander off sometimes, he'll come back after a while I think. Hopefully. We'll look for him later, but it's a big city.

So nice talking to you, I do enjoy death-threats.

--Shikamaru

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Are you _high_?!

Yeah, I told him. Am now in the girl's bathroom during Geometry to avoid him. And urgh, please try not to make too much sense; the scent of overused perfume is going to my brain.

I am trying not to think about my little screaming match, but I'd say... around twenty-five, maybe thirty people were watching.

Oh...God...

Ami's in the play. And she heard me. And she used to attack me when we were little for no particular reason but now that you're gone there's nothing to stop her and WAH, I FEAR HER.

Oh god oh god oh god.

Can't you...come home a little earlier? Like, tomorrow?

--Sakura

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: ShikamanXX

Subject: Is that supposed to be an insult, buddy?

She probably DOES walk around in her PJ's, you just never notice. Which you should, since you could at LEAST pay SOME attention to her instead of just Temari. Who, by the way, has been subtly shooting down Ino. Keep your girlfriend on her leash, please?

Listen, I know that you probably don't even like me, or you may hate Ino, but there's gotta be SOME nice part of you. So would it be so hard for you to be nice to her? Please?

--Sakura

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

Um, I am sitting in a cab w/ PH. Can not make conversation. Too nervous. Help.

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Ask about Chouji.

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

...See, I am obviously blonde. Anyway, how is Sasu-princess? Are you two cool?

* * *

From: Sakura  
To: Ino 

Didn't you get my e-mail?

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

Yes, I got it. The one where you are hiding in the bathroom? Are you still in there?

* * *

From: Sakura  
To: Ino 

Nope, right now I'm at lunch. Thank God Sasuke doesn't have the same lunch with me.

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Oh. Um, I just told Shikamaru that I thought he had very nice ears. He's looking at me very oddly. (I was nervous. Needed compliment.) And Sasuke loves you.

* * *

From: Sakura  
To: Ino 

You suck. Didn't I tell you to ask about Chouji?! And Sasuke doesn't love me. At all. If he did he would've said something. ANYTHING.

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

I know, I know. I don't think I've ever had this much trouble on a date...ever. I'm worried about Mr. Butters.

* * *

From: Sakura  
To: Ino 

That's because you don't really DO dates. Just screwing. And I STILL stand by the idea that after the meeting with Chouji, you go look for Mr. Butters.

I-- kind of? I was a little mortified at the time, so I do think ten seconds is fast enough to blurt out a four-worded answer to my big three words.

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

Jeez, thanks. Makes me feel just great about myself, Sakura. Even though it is totally true. PH says that Chouji will like me so long as I don't offend him.

WHAT IF I OFFEND HIM? HOW IS THIS DRIVE TAKING SO LONG?

And what four words were you looking for, Sakura? You're such a Hallmark child.

* * *

From: Sakura  
To: Ino 

Well, it's the truth! And just ASK PH. Seriously, there's a simple answer to everything, Pig. And I was looking for 'I love you too.'

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Shikamaru 

So, um, how should I not offend your friend Chouji? I still stand by the ears comment.

* * *

From: Sakura  
To: Ino 

How the hell am I a Hallmark child? And seriously, Ino, just make it sound casual. Duh.

* * *

From: Shikamaru  
To: Ino 

Just don't touch his food. It's pretty simple.

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

I texted him. That way I wouldn't have to look him in the face. I am very bad at hiding fear. Hallmark children still believe in happy-ever-after, that's all

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Shikamaru

Um, okay. I can do that. Do you have any paper with you, by the way? Like, fifty sheets?

* * *

From:Sakura  
To:Ino 

You're such a baby. What'd he say? And I don't want a Happily-Ever-After, I just...I dunno. I wanted SOMETHING, dammit. I mean, he could've given me a dirty glare and I would've gotten the hint. But his face was just...blank. Totally blank.

* * *

From: Shikamaru  
To: Ino 

Why the hell would I carry around fifty sheets of paper? That'd be too troublesome. What do you need them for?

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

I know, I know. By the way, has Ami given you any trouble? Because I can still hurt her. If you want, I mean. And you have to face Sasuke sometime Sakura, you can't just hermit in the bathroom forever.

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Shikamaru 

Well, you carry around a calendar with pictures of clouds inside. I thought I'd ask. And I wanted to make posters for Mr. Butters.

* * *

From: Sakura  
To: Ino 

Well, of course she has, but I've ignored her. Maybe I should punch her...? And I'm NOT hermiting in the bathroom, dammit, I just told you I was at lunch. I will be next period, though; next period is History.

* * *

From: Shikamaru  
To: Ino 

How do you know that? And we'll look for The Thing later, after you meet Chouji. Troublesome…

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

My little baby's all grown up and hitting girls! I'm so proud of you. Okay, go to History and do that thing you do, where you stare at the wall directly above Sasuke's head.

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Shikamaru 

Because, um, you left you purse--bag on the table and I was...um, bored. And you'll help look for Mr. Butters too?! REALLY?!

* * *

From: Sakura  
To: Ino 

Well, it's about time that I FINALLY hit her, isn't it? Besides, _someone's _gotta put that bitch in her place. And I just told you-- I'm not going to History. (and I DON'T stare at the wall above Sasuke's head. What a ridiculous thought.)

* * *

From: Shikamaru  
To: Ino 

Troublesome woman. Yes, I'll help, since The Thing apparently means so much to you.

* * *

From: Ino  
To: Sakura 

Yes, yes she does have it coming. And her haircut is ridiculous. Not that this has to do with anything, since my life is now over. Meaning that PH was being really nice and I just got overwhelmed and sort of snapped...and then kissed him. The cab just stopped, time to meet Chouji. OH GOD.

I will e-mail you tonight, when you are done hiding and I am done with the date from hell, since I can no longer look him in the eye.

* * *

Sasuke, 

Have you seen Sakura today?

--Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

She's your girlfriend. And here I thought you were doing such a good job at keeping a leash on her.

--Sasuke

* * *

Sasuke, 

Sakura's not a dog, Sasuke. Besides, I thought YOU were the one keeping her on a leash.

--Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Well, you certainly seem to be pawing her enough. Suppose I was mislead. And anyway, Sakura doesn't seem to want to hang around me.

--Sasuke

* * *

Sasuke, 

I DON'T paw her. What the hell are you smoking? And what'd you do THIS time to upset her?

--Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Yeah, right. So I suppose it's NORMAL for people to stick their hands all over her? Or is that some sort of mating ritual they taught us about in Sex. Ed.? And what makes you think that I upset her. Maybe she's just annoying like that. Maybe she's trying to get away from YOU.

--Sasuke

* * *

Sasuke, 

Woah woah woah. Sometimes I didn't even INITIATE the touching. And besides, Sakura had no complaints. And I have YET to upset Sakura; you, however, are a totally different story. She's BEEN upset with you for the past few days, after your little fight at your house. But if she's avoiding History, then it must've been something YOU did. What'd you do?

--Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Mind your own business.

--Sasuke

P.S. Have you seen her since last night?

* * *

Sasuke, 

How am I supposed to mind my own business if it means you're upsetting my girlfriend?

--Kiba

P.S-- No, I haven't. She texted me to tell me that she would be at play practice late and that she'd see me this morning, but she never showed up. And I KNOW she's here, I caught a glimpse of her earlier. Have you seen her since last night? Aren't you two in the play together?

* * *

Kiba, 

She can take care of herself. And I don't TRY to upset her--SHE upsets herself.

--Sasuke

P.S. See? She's avoiding you. Be insecure.

P.P.S. I saw her last night for a bit during the practice.

P.P.P.S. She hasn't looked suicidal or anything has she?

* * *

Sasuke, 

I know she can, and how does SHE upset herself? You always say something stupid to upset her.

--Kiba

P.S- Why would she be avoiding me? I haven't done anything.

P.P.S-- For a BIT. Doesn't practice run like, three hours?

P.P.P.S-- No, of course not. Why? Did something happen at home?

* * *

Kiba, 

She just...doesn't listen sometimes.

--Kiba

P.S. FINE, fuck off and go be Mr. Wonderful somewhere else.

P.P.S. She left early.

P.P.P.S. What do you mean? What's wrong with her home?

* * *

Sasuke, 

What do you mean she "just doesn't listen sometimes"?

P.S-- I'm not Mr. Wonderful, I'm just smart enough not to upset her.

P.P.S-- Why'd she leave early?

P.P.S-- Her parents are fucktards who only need her to take care of their six other kids, so she's like their nanny or something. But shouldn't YOU know this? I mean, you guys've known each other since Kindergarten.

* * *

Kiba, 

Just forget it, okay?

--Sasuke

P.S. Good for you. Glad _one _of us can make her happy.

P.P.S. Why don't you ask her yourself?

P.P.P.S. Are you serious? What the hell is she doing over there? Why didn't she say something?

* * *

Sasuke, 

Okay, jeez, I'm sorry I freaking asked.

--Kiba

P.S- You CAN make her happy. Look, even _I _can tell that Sakura wants to be with you. And if Sakura breaks up with me for you, then good. You can make her happier than I ever could.

P.P.S-- Remember? I haven't seen her all day. Why can't you just tell me yourself.

P.P.S-- Because she doesn't like to complain about it. The only people who know are Ino and myself; not even Naruto knows.

* * *

Kiba, 

Just forget it. And I don't think she likes me as much as you seem to believe, judging by the way she's avoided me all day and how quickly she ran off last night.

If you really, really want to know what happened, go stand near Ami. She seems to be shouting it loudly enough.

--Sasuke

P.S. And you didn't HELP her?! Isn't that your JOB or something?

* * *

Sasuke, 

Look, man to man, why don't YOU just tell me? And Ami's a retarded ditz, I'm afraid her stupidity will rub off on me.

--Kiba

P.S- Dude, I TRIED to, but she refused. Besides, Ino's already got it all covered, or something.

* * *

Kiba, 

Alright, we got into a fight during play practice. I don't really remember what about, it was stupid. Anyway, I said something about you and her, and she flipped out and started screaming some stuff about...

Well, she said she loved me. And then she ran away since I didn't say anything back.

--Sasuke

P.S. INO has it covered? If you haven't noticed, Ino just dropped out. I don't think she can help _herself _now, much less Sakura.

* * *

Sasuke, 

Thank GOD. I knew she was in love with you; I was just waiting for her to say something. Do you love her too? And that might be why she's been ignoring me; she feels guilty.

--Kiba

P.S. You'd be surprised at what Ino can accomplish 1,000 miles away.

* * *

Kiba,

Why would she feel guilty? She's dating you, and you two seem pretty serious.

--Sasuke

P.S-- If I wake up tomorrow and the school has been bombed, I know who did it.

* * *

Sasuke,

What the--?! HELL no. I like Sakura enough, sure, and we're more of a friends-with-benefits type of deal. We talked about it, and even _I _could tell that Sakura loves you. She's loved you since like, seventh grade.

--Kiba

P.S. She's not gonna BOMB THE SCHOOL. Jeez, aren't you supposed to be smart? I was talking about her getting Sakura and me together, among other things.

* * *

Kiba, 

...Really? Seventh grade?

--Sasuke

P.S. I wouldn't put that past her. And wait--she SET YOU TWO UP?!

* * *

Sasuke, 

Yeah, seventh grade. You haven't noticed? Normally she's very graceful, and around you she's a total klutz. Plus, she's always looking at you, and she normally cares what you think, especially of her. But when you started blowing her off, she kinda...I dunno, gave up hope on you liking her? That's what Ino told me.

--Kiba

P.S-- Yeah, she did. She wanted Sakura to be happy, and also to see if you'd react. Which you have been. Never known you to be the possessive type, Uchiha.

* * *

Kiba, 

I blew her off?

--Sasuke

P.S. She..._what_?

That witch.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: OH. SHIT.

So. I have lots to tell you, and I know you'll like it, but at the moment I'm having a rather hard time forming words. Hell, even THINKING is difficult.

So, I managed to successfully evade Sasuke and Kiba all day, and didn't answer Kiba's texts. I guess after History he gave up, 'cause he didn't text me again after that. But I decided to go to play practice, since there is NO WAY IN **HELL** I'm gonna let Ami kiss Sasuke, since that's what today is: the final kiss.

So...it was pretty awkward. And we had to do it a LOT since we kept on messing up. So after play practice was over, I rushed out of there, but guess who caught up to me?

Yes, Sasuke. I was almost praying it was Kiba, but unfortunately, it was Sasuke.

So he grabbed my arm and wanted to know why I was avoiding both him AND Kiba all day today, and why I wouldn't meet his eyes.

So I told him about that I was embarrassed, and besides, what does he care? He doesn't love me. So he was silent, and then he moved closer-- REALLY close. So I looked up, and he was like...right in front of me. And then he grabbed the back of my head, shoved me against the wall, and he...

Well, Ino-chan, he...y'know. He kissed me.

A lot. With tongue. And teeth. And it was...wow. My lips are STILL tingling.

But what am I gonna do about Kiba? I feel like such a bad person, AND girlfriend. I just CHEATED ON HIM and ENJOYED IT.

--Sakura

* * *

From: Angel4awhile  
To: GreenEyed07  
Subject: THIS IS NOT A TIME TO BE CURSING! THIS IS A TIME TO BE JUMPING IN GLEE! 

I KNEW IT! I KNEW HE WOULD CAVE! MY PLAN HAS COME TO FRUTATION! OH, HAPPY DAYS!

Ahem.

Congratulations, Sakura. Only took you guys like ten years to get past your ridiculous flirting stage and finally swap spit. (Was that crude? Perhaps I should say, 'express your adoration towards one another.')

Don't worry about Kiba, alright? You'll have to talk with him and all, but mostly, tell me more about what happened. I have been denied my snogging for several weeks now, and it's making me a bit crazy.

Not counting my little love-peck in the car with PH. Which I am trying to not think about. Since, y'know, he has a girlfriend and they are perfect for each other and all. But, um, anyway, enough about me.

What happened after he shoved you up against a wall? (IF YOU _KNOW WHAT I MEAN_—sorry, couldn't resist.) Are you guys talking like normal people now? Or are you at the stage where you just kind of loathe one another's personalities but keep conveniently getting stuck in broom closets together?

…Maybe Shikamaru was right. Maybe I DO need to stop reading Harry Potter fanfiction.

Speaking of him, he helped me put up Mr. Butter's posters when we got back from meeting Chouji. It was awkward and all, since I had no idea what to say, but still. It was really, really sweet of him. I had happy glows.

It's hard to talk to him right now. I noticed the other day that everything I say sounds flirtatious. It's like I've been turning into someone else I don't even recognize.

AND CHOUJI! CHOUJI IS MY SOULMATE. Like, not romantically—we just are. When I met him, he barely even glanced at my slutty clothes. You can tell that he and PH are really close. And he was just so smiley and sweet and—he owns a _restaurant_ and makes _really good food. _

And he said he's looking for a waitress in a month, since one of the regulars is dropping off.

It was kind of mortifying at first though, since he totally looked scary. Like, really big and fierce.

Chouji: "So, Shikamaru, is this the girl who invaded your apartment?"

PH: "And eats my food? Yes. This is Ino."

Moi: "Jerk! I made that food! And you don't appreciate it anyway!"

And then Chouji looked at me very gravely. I started freaking out because he apparently has a food-fetish or something, and I thought I had offended him.

Chouji: "He really doesn't, does he?"

And then we were golden. So long as I don't look at Temari, Shikamaru, my slutty clothes, and Mr. Butters's empty box I feel great.

Okay, honestly, who's better at snogging? Kiba or Sasuke?

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: I already did that

Screw you, Ino. Ten years? Try twelve. And I don't even wanna THINK about talking to Kiba. I'm actually gonna go over there later and tell him that we have to break up. I feel so bad, though; I mean, I'm really an awful girlfriend.

And you are CLEARLY delusional, pig. YOU and PH are absolutely MADE for one another. Seriously, Temari is too wrong for him.

Well, uhm, we kinda made out for a while. And then he pulled away, and I was blushing to the roots of my hair, mumbled some lame-ass excuse that I had to go look after my younger siblings, and I fled out of there like a bat outta hell. But I kissed him before I left. I think I'll talk to Sasuke-kun tomorrow. Or...I dunno. I really want him to make the first move, since I'm just really confused now. Like, seriously, why the hell did he kiss me? (Not that I'm complaining, obviously.)

And Harry Potter fanfiction is AWESOME. Not that I've been reading it. At all. Ever.

Aww; that WAS nice of PH. And see? He CARES about Mr. Butters, and CLEARLY he is just trying to spend time with you. And also make you happy, but subtly, so that you won't notice and will merely brush it off. After all, he IS a genius.

INO! WHY DID YOU WEAR SLUTTY CLOTHES?! I thought you LIKED to wear normal clothes?

Chouji sounds AWESOME. You gotta bring him and PH with you when you come see my play. And wait; does this mean that you're gonna quit your job in McDonalds?

And Sasuke is better at kissing, naturally; Uchiha's are good at EVERYTHING.

--Sakura

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Good to see your priorities are straight.

You are so pathetic. Honestly, twelve years? You liked him even in Kindergarten?

I knew it. I KNEW there was a reason why you wouldn't let me touch the red crayon on the few occasions he was gracious enough to share with you.

Kiba's going to be fine, he's a big boy now. What you have to watch out for is him demanding a threesome. (I'm kidding, I'm sure he won't. Don't get all paranoid—the odds are like a million to one.)

Actually, Temari and Shika go together very nicely. They come up to a sum of five—with Shika being three, and Temari being two. Ino is a one, so there's no room for Ino in that equation.

I'm sure you and Sasuke will work things out. Assuming that you don't flip out and hid in the bathroom again. Not that the distressed damsel act isn't cute or anything—but really. This is the 21st century, not 1400 A.D. Knights in shining armor are the only ones who put up with such nonsense, and they're hard to come by nowadays.

Have you been nipping at the Draco/Hermione again? Naughty girl.

I am feeling forcibly optimistic about Mr. Butters. The signs are up, so more people will be looking, and Chouji said he'd help too. I am so kidnapping him when I come to see you. (Shikamaru might be smart, but he's not an evil mastermind—no way is he trying to lure me into liking him or something…odd like that.)

Except, um, PH might have to stay home. On account of me never being able to look him in the face again. Ahem.

I HAD NO CHOICE ON THE SLUTTY CLOTHES. ALL MY NORMAL CLOTHES WERE TOO INFORMAL! Such a shame. I really did not appreciate that grandfather staring at my legs. I wouldn't mind normally, but then the grandmother started beating me over the head with her bag and yelling about 'promiscuity.'

Now go break up with Kiba and shag Sasuke already. The sexual tension can be felt even by ME—and I'm a thousand miles away!

--Ino

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: I have a request…

Would you do me a favor?

Sasuke jumped Sakura last night (WE WIN!) so now that they're finally getting it on, I sense Sakura's going to do the noble thing and break up with you. Of course, if it turns out you're pregnant, she'll obviously pull a soap opera and marry you since it's her responsibility, regardless of how miserable this shall make everyone.

YOUNG MAN, YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT!

Anyway, when she breaks up with you, can you suggest a threesome? And then report back to me about her reaction? Ten bucks says she breaks something in mortification.

On another note, how's it going?

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: How does that make my priorities straight?

Hey, he was a VERY handsome five year old! And him sharing the red crayon was a BIG DEAL; even YOU knew that.

Let's hope Kiba doesn't suggest a threesome. Have you been indulging in your petty yaoi love fanfiction again?

DON'T CONFUSE ME WITH YOUR MATH EQUATIONS! You and Shikamaru are like... Sasuke-kun and me? Kinda?

Shut up, I'm not AIMING for Sasuke-kun to be my Knight in Shining Armor (no matter HOW cool that sounds) and I don't want to be his Damsel in Distress. I just can't face him.

I have no idea why fanfics are so addicting. And in my defense, no matter HOW cliche most of these stories are, I just _can't_ stop. I blame all this stupid Romeo and Juliet crap.

YES! KIDNAP THE BOTH OF THEM! (And I'm telling you, THAT'S WHAT PH'S BEEN DOING! ALL THE SIGNS POINT TO IT!)

I don't care WHAT goes between you and PH. I don't care if you guys actually HAVE SEX WITH FEELINGS. (AKA making love. Not that you've ever done it.) I WANT TO MEET HIM.

Pig, I had enough trouble KISSING him; you think I'm going to SCREW HIM?!

--Sakura

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Oh God.

FINALLY! Jesus, it took them WAY TOO LONG to finally make out. Like, seriously, it's been what? Ten years?

I don't think I'm pregnant, but don't worry, I'll tell you if the stick turns blue.

Alright, you're on; ten bucks says she passes out. But what happens if she DOES pass out? And the Uchiha finds us? I'd be DEAD.

I'm alright, I guess. How's New York?

--Kiba

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I'm interrupting our little debate to tell you that I saw 39 gay couples today.

Have you ever gone to a big city and counted all the gay couples/hobos? It's fun. I just went with Chouji and he CHEATED. He called gay couples before I could, and we were in the Soho district during day time! WE WENT INTO A POETRY STORE, I THINK IT WAS CLEAR THAT I WAS GOING TO LOSE.

Also, saw a woman talking to a trash can. I sympathize. It seems that loosing my mind is preferable nowadays.

Sasuke was not a handsome five year old. No way. That is just not possible. I don't believe you. I seem to recall him being a complete grouch as a child, and was so aggravated by this fact that I didn't look at his face very often.

Yes, the red crayon was a big deal. Don't I know it. He BIT me when I tried to take it from him.

Alright, alright, enough with the damsels and math equations, since I AM INTERUPTING THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU THIS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

Shikamaru and Temari are arguing. Not loudly, but enough for me to be able to hear them in my room. Something is up. If I wasn't so afraid of being seen in my foggy pajamas, I would investigate.

…

Have you noticed that detective heroines ALWAYS have very posh outfits? I mean, look at Nancy Drew. She could apparently solve mysteries in a skirt and HIGH HEELS. You and I can barely WALK in those. I'm telling you, real life and books are very, very different. I bet you Nancy was never with held from her pursuit of justice because of a slight fashion crisis.

If I kidnap PH then you have to kidnap Kiba. I owe him one, and you will be very awkward and avoid him obsessively unless I force the two of you into close quarters.

I think you and The Princess will get along just fine on your repopulating-the-Earth business.

--Ino

P.S. YOU SAID 'MAKE LOVE.' HAH, I WILL NEVER LET YOU LIVE THAT DOWN.

P.P.S. ALLOW ME TO DEFILE YOU: SEX-SEX-SEX-SEX-SEX-SEX.

P.P.P.S. Thanks to you, I have been re-sucked into that dangerous world of 'D. Gray Man' fanfiction. My life would be so much more peaceful if Lavi wasn't so hot.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile  
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
Subject: No kidding. Do you think we're allowed to go ahead and buy the wedding presents? 

Actually it was twelve years. I cannot believe how romantically retarded the two of them are. It's a damn good thing they had _us_ on their side.

Well, if Sakura passes out, then you can play the gallant ex and dashingly deliver her to Sasuke's eagerly awaiting arms after which they shall…proceed with their 'indoor sports.' Or something else with lots of adjectives.

New York is great. I miss you guys. I'm coming home soon for a visit.

You seem lonely. Should I hook you up with someone as well?

Love,

--Ino

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Why the hell were you counting?

No, sorry, I do believe I have something...oh, dammit, what's that word?

Oh yeah.

A LIFE.

And you're just sore because Chouji, apparently, is better at spotting gay couples. Perhaps there's something he's not telling you...?

Yeah; you were too busy staring at his ass, probably. And when Sasuke wasn't being a grouch, he was actually being rather...civil? And are you serious? He actually BIT you? I'll have to talk to him when I next see him. Which is next period. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

WHY ARE YOU LETTING SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL AS YOUR **PAJAMAS** STOP YOU FROM GLEEFULLY EAVESDROPPING?! GO LISTEN!

Though yes, I have noticed this. Seriously, that girl ALWAYS gets rescued in the end. I wish someone would just kill her off before her little boyfriend interrupts. Or maybe have her break the heel of her shoe and fall off the dock. (I have nothing against Nancy Drew, but REALLY, she's like...BARBIE, or something. SHE EVEN HAS THE BLOND BARBIE HAIR! AND THE KEN-LIKE BOYFRIEND! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!)

No, I think Kiba and I will be okay...I hope.

Dammit Ino, that's not going to happen for a LONG, LONG time. Unless Sasuke-kun has some reason to WANT to have sex with me, like he's going off on a murder-mission and wants to make sure that he at least pops out a FEW kids with me before going off and potentially dying.

...oh my god. You don't think that's gonna happen, do you?!

--Sakura

P.S- SEX! THERE, I SAID IT! I was referring to something you've NEVER done, which is making love. I hope you trip and fall off a staircase.

P.P.S-- I agree with you. Lavi is GORGEOUS. But Allen is hotter.

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: So long as no one finds out, I think it's safe

Wow. TWELVE years? No shit? That's a long time to be denying your feelings for someone. You're right, it IS a good thing they have us or else they probably NEVER would've gotten together.

Oh God, PLEASE do not make me think such terrifying images. I mean, that would require Sasuke to be ROMANTIC, and that's just a WEIRD mental image.

Sweet! When are you coming home? And no thanks, I'm perfectly fine here by myself. I want to wait a little while after breaking up with Sakura (it hasn't happened yet, but it will later) and then find someone else. Shouldn't be hard, eh? Too bad you've got that PH dude Sakura talked about, or I would've gone for you. Then again, it wouldn't have lasted very long, knowing you. Or rather, how you used to be. I'm very proud of you, by the way.

--Kiba

* * *

From: Angel4awhile  
To: GreenEyed07 

Subject: I work at McDonalds. I was bored, and driven to extreme measures.

I don't think Chouji's gay. And I was looking for hobos, not gay couples. I hope he's not gay. God, PLEASE. He hangs around PH a lot already and I DO NOT NEED MORE COMPETITION.

Please, Sakura. I was not looking at Sasuke's ass when he was five. I was afraid of him, for his rabid tendencies were kind of offsetting. And he kept waving the red crayon around. God. Freak.

I did not want that crayon at all. Honestly, there were plenty of others.

Alright, I have taken your advice, and I was Ino: Super Spy. I shamelessly lurked outside the hallway listening to them argue. Oh, drama, how I have missed you, my love.

Temari: "I'm sorry this is inconvenient for you, but this is a big opportunity for me. Are you going to support me on this or not?"

PH: "…Troublesome."

Temari: "Dammit, is there anything that you CAN do without me having to drag you there?"

PH: "Temari…"

I was gleeful. It sounded like they were breaking up. YES, YES THERE IS A GOD.

PH: "I love you."

…

You IMBECILE.

Temari: "Not enough, though."

PH: "…"

Temari: "…"

Ino: "Ach-oo!"

Yes, I chose this precise moment to sneeze. Luckily, I was only a little ways from my room, and was able to dive across the hall, and use the ninja-moves Naruto taught me to get into bed before anyone saw. (Basically, I somersaulted, tripped over my shoe, and then fell into bed.)

ALSO, WHILE ARE DISCUSSING NANCY DREW: Why the hell is Ned staying with her? Does she ever even KISS him in these books? He like, isn't even present until the very end which is when they need some muscle power and he has to heroically dig Nancy out of an avalanche.

Good God, poor Ned. He's probably doped up on Prozac or something.

I wouldn't worry about Kiba or Sasuke. The odds of Kiba asking for a threesome are marginal, and about Sasuke demanding children—

Well. I'm sure you'd make a great mother.

--Ino

P.S. Oh yeah? Lavi has a GIANT HAMMER and RED HAIR and he travels with a little panda-dude.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: Like either of them will find out. Only took them a decade to discover the moon-eyes they were making at each other.

You're going to history class in a minute, right? You all have that class together. Do not forget to ask for a threesome.

I'm sure Sasuke is very romantic. He'll obviously remember to send her flowers on Valentines day and a buy her presents and—

Sorry, I had to stop. I think I might've been getting a seizure.

Are you sure I can't get you together with someone? I know a very pretty blonde model. Who will be single. Soon. I hope. Please.

You're proud of me? I think I might have to buy you some more candy. Who bribed you into this sudden compliment?

Love,

--Ino

P.S. The PH thing is rather strained. I might have to elope with you after all.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Liar. It's called not having a life.

That would be like, Naruto and Sasuke being gay. Together.

...oh my god.

_Please_. You KNOW you wanted Sasuke to share the red crayon with you. But he wouldn't, 'cause he was too busy sharing with me. Be jealous.

I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO HEARTBREAK HOTEL! (And yes, dammit, I AM overlooking PH telling Temari he loves her. He is OBVIOUSLY confused. Poor kid. And then YOU will be there to comfort him when she leaves him, and he will open his eyes and realize that YOU ARE THE ONE FOR HIM!)

Yeah, you're right, they DON'T kiss. They're barely even a couple!

And I'd make a terrible mother. I'd be so used to having a house full of kids that that'd be what I want-- a lot of kids. And then I'd feel bad if I ever made the oldest look out for their younger siblings, since I know how that feels.

--Sakura

P.S-- Bite me. Allen is more adorable, and stop using my love of pandas against me.

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

To: Angel4awhile  
Subject: This is true, but their vision is no longer clouded, and they might start getting suspicious.

Don't worry about it, I won't forget. And I get the feeling Sakura and I'll be breaking up quite soon, but no worries. I'd rather see her with the Uchiha.

C'mon, Ino, don't kid yourself. Sasuke? Flowers? Those two words don't belong in the same sentence unless there's 'setting them on fire' in between.

Urgh, are you talking about that Temari girl that Sakura always grumbles about? No thank you, I'm not THAT desperate.

No one bribed me, I just felt you needed it. (And no, I'm not trying to prep you up to feel good around that PH dude. Honestly.)

--Kiba

P.S- Sweet. I vote that we get married outside, since you'd probably start burning the minute you stepped foot in the church.

* * *

Kiba, 

Sorry that I didn't see you yesterday. I didn't feel well. Anything big happen in History?

--Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

No worries. But do you feel better? And you did miss something very important and most likely crucial to the semester grade. Apparently the British lost the Civil War.

I think it's nice how they occasionally slip in some 'retarded' teachers. Just to spice things up.

--Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Not really. I feel sick to my stomach and jittery.

...You're KIDDING ME. Are these people for real? I swear, we should get PAID to come to school, just for having to put up with their stupidity.

--Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

It's a corrupt system. And they wonder how people like me get into honor's classes. Anyway, are you feeling better? Or is the glare from Mr. Bald--I mean Mr. Blake making your head hurt?

---Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Aw, don't. You're smart; people just don't realize it yet.

The only reason why Mr.B would make my brain hurt is because it's currently going _'hurr hurr retard alert.'_

And I am a bad person. And I'd really like to apologize to you, Kiba.

--Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

Of course. I am obviously genius material. Why, only yesterday I discovered that you turn blue if you hold your breath long enough!

I think Mr. B's head is rather fetching. I like checking my reflection in it.

Last I checked you were a pretty good person. What's up?

--Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Well, uhm, academically smart, I meant.

Well, his forehead IS rather shiny. Hey, I can see myself! ...I have split ends?!

Well, uhm, I kinda...kissed Sasuke. Oh God, I'm about to start crying. But I am SO sorry. I really didn't mean to, but I mean, one thing lead to another, and I was so confused but I REALLY love him, truly and deeply and I care for you, you've just been the best person to me (besides Ino) and I WISH I could love you, but Sasuke...

I'm really, really sorry Kiba. And if you choose to hate me and never talk to me again, I'll understand. I totally deserve it.

--Sakura

* * *

Sakura, 

...You kissed Sasuke, huh?

Hey Sakura, have you ever thought about having a threesome? That way everyone's happy!

--Kiba

* * *

From: Sasuke  
To: Kiba 

Hey mutt, care to explain why Sakura started screaming and fainted after she read your note? Carrying unconscious girls through the hallway to the nurse's office isn't really my forte.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Kiba 

I suggested a threesome, cause she broke up with me and was WAY upset about it.

Besides, aren't you supposed to be Romeo?

* * *

A/N- Ren's note is on the bottom. Go read it. After you're done reading mine, cause you know you want to. Anyway, we are truly and utterly sorry about the long wait. Honestly, we are! Ren went on vacation a lot, and communication (meaning computer time. Though we did talk on the phone) was limited. So, uhm, yes, don't kill us? WE GIVE YOU FLUFF! ...and no, we're not trying to bribe you off with it. Honestly.

Anyway, school (for Ren, anyway) starts like, next week or something, so updates might be a little slow, 'specially since she'll be going into high school (where I'm a Sophmore) and our time zones are different. We're really sorry about this, but hey, you guys have other fanfiction to preoccupy yourselves, so no biggie. (now, I command you to go read Ren's A/N!)

* * *

**Ren's note to the readers:** And now I'm going to abuse my newly discovered power of being able to give you guys shout-outs. 

Or I would, if I could think of anything to say. I suppose I should **review** my summer homework, I mean, the **review** is probably going to tell me about the upcoming school year. And I don't even need to **review** my options, since I definitely want to go to Stanford one day.

(Good luck with that, self.)

This is Ren, signing off.


	8. Action8: Rue the day

**The Eccentric Files**

_Action8: Rue the Day_

Kiba,

SO, IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DUMPED. I would laugh at you, but that is frowned upon in our culture and I am totally going to be the bigger person here and—

Oh, screw it.

HA.

Eat some ramen, you'll feel better. Lee and I will go with you after school so you can drown your tears in that ZESTY broth. Your treat, of course.

--Naruto, the ultimate ninja!

P.S. Sasuke is such a sissy. I was rooting for you, man. Did you see the way he 'dramatically swept in' to save her? I think he practices that. Saving of damsels and all.

P.P.S. I knew there was significance behind the CRIMSON crayon.

* * *

Naruto, 

Gee, I'm so glad to see that you're SUCH a great friend, what with the way you just comforted me, who NEEDS enemies? Thanks SO MUCH for the concern. I'm fine. And I don't want ramen.

--Kiba

P.S- I'm GLAD that the Uchiha finally removed that stick from his ass.

P.P.S- What are you talking about?

* * *

Kiba, 

I know I'm awesome. But it is nice to hear such positive reinforcement. Just for that, I'll split the ramen bill. Don't lie and say you don't want it, you fool! IT'S RAMEN, THERE IS NO ESCAPE!

Also, methinks that Sasuke deserves some abuse for taking so damn long. And we have to keep an eye on Sakura-chan.

He has a tree house in his backyard. I am setting up camp back there, if you would care to join me. That way we will have 24/7 surveillance of The Seducer. (As he shall from now on be referred to.)

--Naruto

P.S. SASUKE take out that stick?! AHAHAHA—You jest. I don't think that's possible. He wouldn't know how to support himself if that got removed.

* * *

Naruto, 

Well, alright, we'll go out for ramen. And I'll pay, since I doubt you'll have any money.

Hmm... you prove a very valid point. After all, Sakura and Sasuke HAVE liked each other since Kindergarten. We are now Juniors in High School. Sakura has some amazing patience.

Alright, I'll be there. What time?

-Kiba

P.S-- Please don't word it that way, my inner eye burns from the mental images.

* * *

Kiba, 

I knew you'd warm up to me.

Indeed! It is a tragic tale of two lovers, both of whom too thick headed to realize their eternal devotion to one another—which translates into Sasuke being an idiot in denial who can't chat up a girl to save his life. SHAME ON HIM, SHAME ON HIS SOUL!

He should go sit in a corner.

Okay, we'll meet up at six, right after ramen. Bring your sleeping bags, and I'll bring Lee. If Sasuke brings Sakura to his place and 'tries' anything, then the FIRES OF YOUTH shall put a halt to his advances.

Do you think the evil laughter I'm giving off is alarming people?

--Naruto

P.S. OH, YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

* * *

Naruto, 

Please, don't flatter yourself. I'm merely doing this for Sakura. (Though I think we should just leave them be; she might WANT him to make some moves on her.)

And I doubt his fan girls flock to him because of his MAD PEOPLE SKILLZ.

Alright, sounds like a plan to me. An evil plan, albeit, but a plan nonetheless.

Hell yeah, it's scaring ME.

--Kiba

P.S- Yeah, uhm, NOT REALLY. Do YOU wanna see the image of Sasuke removing a stick from his ass and then waddling like a duck, then falling over?

P.P.S- Never mind…

* * *

Kiba, 

Would YOU want some moves pulled on you by Sasuke?!

I think my point has been proven. Clearly, we are doing her a great service. She will thank us, when she's old enough to understand. This is of course, assuming that Sasuke could figure out how to 'pull a move.' Which he can't, by the way. I've seen him in action. Calling people annoying turns out to be his sole pickup line.

Sweet, sweet ramen, so close yet so far…

--Naruto

P.S. He already walks like a duck. Especially if you piss him off. Why do you think I do it? I don't ENJOY getting smacked over the head—just laughing while he stomps/waddles away.

* * *

Naruto, 

GOD no. Do I look gay to you?! But I'm not Sakura, either.

Naruto, she's SEVENTEEN; I think Sakura's CLEARLY old enough to know what she wants, and if what she wants is Sasuke, then let her. I'm just coming along to get my revenge against Sasuke for everything he said against me while Sakura and I were dating.

--Kiba

P.S- I never realized you had SUCH a vindictive side, Naruto.

* * *

Kiba, 

WHAT THE HELL?! YOU AREN'T GAY? THIS ENTIRE TIME I THOUGHT YOU WERE! THAT'S WHY I LET YOU DATE SAKURA-CHAN!

Sakura is confused. Sasuke drugged her. I think. I just need the proof…

How exactly do you plan to get this 'revenge?' I still owe him for the crimson crayon. VENGENCE SHALL BE MINE!

--Naruto

P.S. There are many things you don't know, my silly little friend. (Who is still buying me ramen.)

* * *

Naruto, 

You're lucky there's a teacher in the room, or you would find yourself missing some crucial ligaments. And you let me date Sakura because you could never oppose your precious Sakura-chan.

Sasuke didn't drug her, but good luck attempting to prove your theory. Unless he drugs his eyes.

I have no idea, but I'll get revenge against him SOMEHOW. (And I am not going with any of your ideas. Honestly, Naruto, throwing an egg through his _window_?)

--Kiba

P.S- In your dreams, maybe.

* * *

Kiba, 

Bah, I could take you. But you are right about Sakura…oh my God she's scary when she's mad…

Did I ever tell you what she did to me in second grade? When I cut her Barbie's hair? SHE RIPPED HALF MY HAIR OUT, IS WHAT SHE DID.

'Unless he drugs his eyes.' HOLY SHIT. YOU _ARE_ GAY.

Not that I have a problem with that or anything but whoa, man, come out of the closet already. It's time to Believe It!

Egg through the window is classic, silence cretin. Ah, good times…

…

Can we egg him?

--Naruto

P.S. No way. I have it on paper. Signed contract, biznatch.

* * *

Naruto, 

One, I could kick your ass with my pinky finger, and two, since you're so afraid of Sakura I could have her protect me.

Idiot. I'm NOT gay. But maybe you are; after all, you DO spend an AWFUL lot of time with Sasuke. Hmmm...

We are not egging Sasuke. I fear Sakura's Deadly Wrath.

--Kiba

P.S- Oh yeah? Show it to me.

* * *

Kiba, 

FOOL! You have no chance against my awesome ninja prowess! I could crush you with my eyelash! And don't hide behind the women, you creep. That's cheating. You know damn well that I haven't got a prayer against them.

Me. Being gay with Sasuke. Uh.

Thank you, I'll have nightmares for life. AND IT'LL BE ALL YOUR FAULT.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I think I need to check myself into a therapist's office.

--Naruto

P.S. And I quote, "Well, alright, we'll go out for ramen. And I'll pay, since I doubt you'll have any money."

….gotcha, bitch!

* * *

Sasuke, 

We aren't going to be gay together are we? Were we ever? You're straight, right? I'm straight?

Is Kiba straight? I wonder about that guy…

--Naruto

* * *

Naruto, 

Go away you loser. Do not come to me for guidance through your sexual crisis. I don't give a damn.

And we will never, ever be gay together.

Kiba's about as straight as a set of perpendicular lines.

--Sasuke

* * *

Sasuke, 

BUT WHAT IF I LIKE SMALL CHILDREN OR SOMETHING?! I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP TO BE LIKE MICHEAL JACKSON! SAVE ME, YOU BASTARD!

Wait. You know fully well that I'm about to fail geometry. Perpendicular lines---er, they're the straight ones, yes? The ones with out a point of intersection?

--Naruto

* * *

Naruto, 

Your reasons for hanging out around Konohamaru are becoming increasingly clear. You should be ashamed of yourself, pedophile.

The lines you're thinking of are parallel, idiot. Perpendicular lines intersect at a ninety degree angle.

--Sasuke

* * *

Sasuke, 

Oh, shut it. YOU are the one who hung out around the REAL pedophile! Remember that time you almost got kidnapped in sixth grade? By Orochimaru?

Yeah. And all because he told you he had some tomatoes in his car. You _imbecile_. Did you not notice the warning signals I was sending you?!

--Naruto

* * *

Naruto, 

The warning signals you sent me were out of his trunk. If I recall correctly, you were lured back there with the promises of ramen. _Now_ who's the moron?!

--Sasuke

* * *

Sasuke, 

…Just…lick a toilet seat, catch an STD and die, or something.

--Naruto

P.S. IF YOU PASS IT TO SAKURA-CHAN, I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG.

* * *

Naruto, 

Oh please, you keep telling yourself that. And using Sakura as a defense shield isn't cheating, I'm merely using my resources.

Glad to know I'm doing my job correctly.

-Kiba

P.S- Fine, fine, I'll pay for the ramen. But you owe me.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile  
From: GreenEyed07  
Subject: I _knew_ history was bad for me! 

I never realized Kiba had such a sick mind... (or gay, for that matter.)

He offered me a threesome. WITH SASUKE-KUN INCLUDED. Excuse me while I go sit in the corner and whimper.

So, what's been going on with The Bitch and PH?

--Sakura

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: At least it wasn't math?

Did you scream/break something/faint? Not that I wish you an discomfort or anything, but…please tell me you broke something?

Raunchy, Kiba. Very raunchy. And if you had accepted, I'll have you know I would come back to that godforsaken town and make it a foursome.

Well, there is much I have to tell you. First off, the Burger King vs. McDonalds games are quickly approaching! It is taboo to walk on the other side of the street, for that would be fraternizing with the enemy! Everyday, small acts of sabotage are played out, and a pre-games scoreboard is being drawn up as we speak!

Burger King is leading by three points—curses. But fear not! I plan to graffiti their windows with catsup. They won't even know what hit them—that's got to be worth a good seven points.

Gaara is kicking me off the laptop for a second. I would protest, but as it's his laptop, there isn't much I can do. I swear, that boy is completely asexual. He didn't even blink when I wore a V-neck that was practically down to my stomach. There is no negotiating of computer time.

Gaara says, "Tell your friend that you dumped a bucket of mayo over Kankuro's head yesterday, and your limited computer time is completely deserved."

…Well, that wasn't really my fault. I mean, he just didn't understand that bed-head is NOT ATTRACTIVE on some people. I had to take action.

And he plays with dolls. He deserved it.

Also! Temari and Shikamaru are still arguing, but I don't know what about, Mr. Butters is still missing, and—

PH JUST WALKED IN! OH MY GOD!

-Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: The horrors of that subject are too much to handle

I fainted. And Sasuke-kun had to carry me to the nurse's office, muahaha. He wasn't there when I woke up, though.

How about, uhm, you just...have fun...with Kiba. And Sasuke-kun and I will...play chess? Sounds like a good idea to me!

...I still stand by the fact that YOU SHOULD'VE WORKED IN DUNKIN DONUTS. (Though your fights are incredibly amusing.)

WHY WOULD YOU DUMP MAYO OVER KANKURO'S HEAD?! I am STILL laughing over that incident where he acted gay for you because of that customer.

Good luck, Disco Stu! (sorry, I just saw a commercial for Knocked Up. Only it was with a doctor, and he said to the guy, "Are you with me, Disco Stu?!" Freaking hilarious, man.)

--Sakura

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: I don't go to school—Ha.

Damn. I really, really wanted you to break something. Guess I better go talk to Kiba.

SO WE CAN ARRANGE OUR LITTLE ORGY, TEE-HEE. Or not, since Sasuke would probably self-implode from mortification. That boy is such a prude sometimes, demonstrated by your willingness to _play chess with him_. (What the hell is wrong with you—you finally bag the boy and then you play _board games_ with him? That's got to be illegal. I shun you. Shun shun shun.)

Well, of course I dumped mayo on his head. I didn't have any hair gel, and had to improvise. His acting gay was much appreciated—though I do wonder about that boy. And Gaara. Gaara _better_ be gay, because otherwise I am seriously loosing my touch.

Burger King is in the lead by ten points! THE Burger King, (my boss, God, this is going to get confusing,) has officially declared war. He and I are going over there to day for some serious undercover work. I plan on humiliating him to the fullest of my power.

DISCO STU IS ON THE GROOVE, DISCO LAY-DAY.

I love the Simpson's.

Also! Also! PH visited me at work! And while this was very sweet and kind of him, he made the fatal error of bringing me Taco Bell. The Burger King was furious. He made me throw them out, so I had to shove his hat down the garbage disposal. Just, you know; poetic justice and all.

Whoops, time to cross the street and invade Burger King. Gaara just gave me a squirt gun and said, very gravely, 'you might need this.'

…

This should be fun.

--Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Yeah, but you work, and have to deal with Temari. Ha HA!

What the hell do you expect me to break, my desk?

(and I'm NOT EVEN DATING him! I didn't bag him AT ALL. He just...kissed me, is all. A kiss means nothing.)

Did you ever consider that maybe Gaara already has a girlfriend? That he loves a lot?

What. The. Hell. Aren't the people who work at Burger King going to KNOW that you're from Mickey D's?

...and never say that disco thing again or else I will shove a Big Mac down your throat and choke you.

I'm almost afraid to ask _what_ is in that squirt gun.

--Sakura

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: BITCH, DON'T REMIND ME.

I wouldn't put it past you. You could probably break just about anything if Sasuke's concerned.

I REMEMBER when you BROKE THE FLOOR in third grade! Jesus, you CRACKED IT WITH YOUR HEAD. That is amazing. I could probably hit that forehead of yours with a sledgehammer and it would just…bounce off!

Uchiha Sasuke kissed you. He might as well have just shoved a ring on your finger, for Christ's sake.

Gaara. With a girlfriend.

…

HEE.

I am _so_ telling him you said that. He'll put you on his hit list for sure.

OKAY. Infiltrated the enemy's premises, where we loudly and publicly announced that we were going to be having the fast-food-Olympics on Saturday. We were chased back when they threw chopped-pickles at us. Curses. Foiled again!

It's okay. I put my squirt gun to good use—looks like Gaara filled it with our disgusting five-thousand-degree-coffee. Ha-ha, burn baby burn!

-Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Muahaha.

...I think you have a faulty memory. First off, THE FLOOR WAS CARPETED. Second of all, there was a piece of wood in front of me; THAT'S what I chopped with my head. It was on a stack, and I broke the wood with my forehead.

He might've kissed me to get me to break up with Kiba. THAT'S IT! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!

And tell Gaara that he's on my hit list because he wasted PERFECTLY GOOD COFFEE.

...I fail to see how telling them about the Olympics (how the hell do you _have fast-food Olympics_ anyway?!) is considered 'foiling your plans'.

And also? McDonalds coffee is good.

--Sakura

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Just stop breathing, traitor.

Liar. I have a photographic memory. And that snap shot in time is going to stay with me until my dying day!

I don't doubt the wood thing though. Probably a separate incident.

Sakura, the idea that one boy kissed you because he predicted it would offset you enough to make you break up with Kiba and then feel completely miserable—is utterly ridiculous. I don't think even _Sasuke's_ that much of a bastard.

Gaara has heard your threat. He is asking if you're single. Apparently violence is something of a turn-on.

The fast-food-Olympics draw ever nearer—I should go train!

How're things with Sasuke? And Kiba? And Naruto? Hell, how's EVERYONE doing?

--Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: I love you too, Ino-chan.

You DON'T have a photographic memory, and you suck at that Memory Game.

Well, you never know! I mean, he has an odd mind!

...is Gaara hot?

HOW THE HELL DO YOU **TRAIN** FOR SOMETHING SO STUPID AS THE 'FAST-FOOD OLYMPICS?!

Kiba is fine, Naruto is fine, Kakashi-sensei is drowning us in homework and OBVIOUSLY laughing it up, that bastard, as he reads his porn. Sasuke and I are avoiding each other like the plague; we got into a fight again.

--Sakura

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: I hope no one goes to your funeral.

SO DO YOU, YOU HYPOCRITE. WE WILL SIT WITH ALL THOSE CARDS IN FRONT OF US FOR HOURS AND NOT GET A SINGLE MATCH UP. I seem to recall you once flipping over the same two cards. The entire game. At least I got _one_ pair!

God, Sakura. You are entirely too paranoid. Buy some Prozac or something.

Gaara says he is single. (HAH, I TOLD YOU.) And I am sending a picture of him, attached. Note the bed head. I am giving him an 8 on the hotness scale, what say you?

Well, contests in the fast food Olympics include burger flipping, and eating contest, some kind of food fight, (I am working on my aim, the customers really like it when I throw a mustard-slathered hamburger bun at their heads.) and seeing who can make the most money in a certain amount of time.

…What did you and Sasuke fight about THIS time?!

--Ino

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Damn.

It would appear that I owe you some money. What are Sakura and Sasuke fighting about? And how's it going with the whole break-up thing?

Hugs,

--Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: I hope you go lick a public toilet

I TOLD YOU: THAT GAME WAS _RIGGED_.

You're probably on it; therefore, I refuse to use it. Also, I AM NOT PARANOID.

...his bed head is incredibly hot. And he has green eyes, like me! And the rings underneath his eyes remind me of L, from Death Note? Plus, he has RED HAIR. I give him a 9.

...the customers LIKE IT when you do that to them? Uhm, yes, clearly YOU ARE WORKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE. (Even though I'm STILL convinced you belong in a place where everything is white. And the walls are padded. Just the way you like them, Ino-chan!)

We fought about Kiba, actually. Apparently, him and Naruto were staked outside his house and were watching him, or something. I defended them that they were just looking out for me, and he argued that I didn't need personal bodyguards, and that I had broken up with Kiba, right, so why was I still friends with him? So now we're not talking.

--Sakura

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: What?

Indeed you do, darling. But I'll settle for it when you come back for the play. It's coming up in a few weeks, you know.

Ahaha, funny story, actually... I'm, uhm, just going to let Sakura explain that one to you, since I fear the Uchiha; he's been shooting me death glares, and after History pinned me against the wall and snarled that I had been looking at Sakura's legs a little too long. (She was wearing a denim skirt, but I was actually spacing out and not paying attention to, well, _anything_. But apparently, this is all part of my plan to get Sakura back. _Right_.)

I'm handling it pretty well, if I do say so myself. I'm actually dating a girl from Shigoken High…but Sasu-chan doesn't need to know what.

--Kiba

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Well, I hope you…choke on your candy!

IT WAS NOT RIGGED YOU DOLT, YOU JUST INSISTED THAT THE CARDS WOULD SOMEHOW MAGICALLY REVEAL DIFFERENT RESULTS NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU FLIPPED THE DAMN THINGS.

See, your paranoia is making you suspect that 'I am in on it.' My god Sakura, its_ over-the-counter drugs_—I don't think my psychic powers can extend _that_ far.

You and your weirdo anime obsessions. Gaara appreciates the 9, by the way. He is demanding I inform you that his hobbies include blowing up American Girl dolls and playing the drums. Wow, Gaara. Saving the world one creepy-dead-doll at a time.

Oh, I showed Gaara a picture. He says that you have a very cute nose. (WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOUR NOSE?!) Kankuro has agreed with him. They are now fighting for custody of said picture. Judging by the foot shoved in Kankuro's mouth, I think Gaara's winning.

The customers _do not_ like it when I throw things at them. Except that one guy. Who apparently has a mustard fetish. (There are apparently a number of unknown terrors in this world.) My powers of sarcasm have, once again, gone undetected. Woe is me.

The food was good in that insane asylum. Don't judge me.

Well, tell Sasuke that he has the prettiest eyes that sparkle like sapphires in the moonlight. That should win him back.

--Ino

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: YOU IMBECILE!

You STAKED OUT HIS HOUSE? Are you two IDIOTS?! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?

…

Please tell me you didn't let Naruto egg him. Oh God. He didn't, did he?

Good luck with your girlie, and if she's a bitch to you, I'll break her nose.

Peacefully yours,

--Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Go eat a ceiling fan

AND I AM STILL FIRM IN THAT BELIEF, THANKYOUVERYMUCH!

...Denial is the first step to acceptance, Ino.

Tell Gaara that he is my hero for the American Girl dolls thing; those things CREEP THE HELL OUT OF ME. Playing drums, huh? I bet he looks hot while doing so. (OH GOD, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE **NOT** **HERE** YOU'RE RUBBING OFF ON ME.)

...uhm, good for Gaara? Though tell Kankuro that he is ALSO my hero for the whole Trucker thing. But, alas, I like Gaara more for the reasons I stated before. And also, Ino, you can't talk; you have an anime obsession also.

You know, keep on telling me things like that and I think I will be forced to take like, a week off from school and come save you from the Weird-Guy-Who-Likes-Mustard. (Mustard is _totally_ gross!)

...Ino. ARE YOU AWARE OF WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO? I CAN NEVER TELL SASUKE THAT!

I'd rather just go jump off a bridge and cry, "Goodbye, cruel world!" It'd probably be safer.

--Sakura

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: You called?

No, no, don't worry; I didn't let Naruto egg Sasuke. Though we DID catch him singing in the shower. Naruto recorded it and is now cackling gleefully and muttering something about...Revenge of the Crimson Crayon...? What the hell?

Yuuki is a very nice girl. Sakura knows about her. She nearly flipped her lid and started screaming, "Zero!" and something about 'Vampire Knight.' Well, her nose scrunched rather adorably, so after that I didn't pay much attention, though there were a lot of exclamations of, "OTP!" and "Kaname sucks!"

Any idea what THAT'S all about?

--Kiba

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Swallow a cactus

Heading home, so last e-mail of the day.

…You're getting your psychology mixed up again, dork. Denial is the first step in GRIEF. Jesus.

I told Gaara that he was your hero. And that you thought he was hot.

He's blushing. What the HELL Sakura, I think you BROKE him. I swear, Kankuro's already checked him for a fever twice in the past fifteen minutes. It's unnatural, I tell you.

My anime obsession? What anime obsession? I don't know what you're talking about. I have much better things to do then sit around all day, watching two dimensional characters do various retarded things.

…

Now if you'll excuse me, there are several shrines I need to burn.

Agreed that mustard is the most disgusting thing ever. But you don't need to save me—the BURGER KING came to my rescue. (I am kind of in shock over the whole thing as well. I mean, he hates my guts. Apparently he needs me in top shape for the competition tomorrow.)

Seriously, mustard-guy? Highlight of my day. The Burger King squirted him with ketchup and started yelling about sexually harassing employees.

I so wanted him to fall to the floor, writhing in ketchup, and yell, "I'm meeeelting!"

Why are you so scared of telling Sasuke that he-has-beautiful-eyes-that-sparkly-like-sapphires-in-the-moonlight? Works in every romance novel I've ever read.

--Ino

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: My witty and awesome putdowns are kind of lost on you, know that?

You have got to be kidding me. The Crimson Crayon? MAN, he has GOT to MOVE ON. That's just ridiculous—KINDERGARTEN man, KINDERGARTEN.

Also, if I may ask, why were you taping Sasuke in the shower? You perverts. You were going to sell those tapes on the black market and make a fortune, weren't you?

…

Incidentally, which song was he singing?

Don't concern yourself with Sakura's odd prattling. Just know that she is a ridiculous fan girl. And you might want to change your name to Zero.

--Ino

P.S. If I hear one more comment about her flipping nose, I swear to god, I am getting a facelift.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Adopt a pet bear

Oh. Really? Well, whatever, that class was stupid anyway; I STILL think that teacher was hitting on me. And she was MARRIED. EWEWEW.

Heehee, aw. I wonder what would happen if I told Sasuke-kun that...

He was staring at me today all through History. His eyes aren't like sapphires (I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT THOSE TWO MIXED UP, INO. Sapphire is BLUE) but actually like molten pools of onyx. It was definitely a weak-in-the-knees moment.

If you burn your Light one, I will be forced to stick a statue down your throat. Because even though he was psycho (and killed L. Sniff.) he was still INCREDIBLY hot. (I still think Misa's a bimbo.)

Did you tell The Burger King that he's sexually harassing his CUSTOMERS?

And INO. This is SASUKE. What do YOU think would happen if I told him that?

--Sakura

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: You were subtly insulting me? That hurts, Ino.

KINDERGARTEN?! That is just pathetic. (Want to tell me what happened?)

Actually, we were thinking of selling them to the fan girls. (Don't worry, all you can see is his upper half and his scrubbing his hair while singing, "Rubber ducky, you're the one! You make bath times so much fun!" It was an awesome sight. I thought Naruto was going to fall out the tree he was laughing so hard.)

Zero? Like Zorro? Why?

--Kiba

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Hold your breath, count to a million.

Hola, my darling love slave!

…

I mean, best friend. Yes, that. And in case you haven't noticed, everyone hits on you. See above for proof. You are just…hittable. Wait, not good. Oh GOD, you're going to grow up and be in an abusive relationship!

If Sasuke hits you, bite him. Scar that pretty face. Make him look like a zombie! A BRAIN-EATING ZOMBIE!

A word to the wise: LIGHT IS A FREAK. Have you seen the faces he makes? Slobbering all over the pencil is not attractive, Sakura. Just. No. Mello, on the other hand, is a hottie. Mmm…Mello of the tight pants and extreme badassery…

We should start a religion. Of closet-shrine fanatics.

And I _know_ that Sapphire is blue. I was making a 'The Aristocats' comment. Jeez, study up on your Disney movies!

I AM WRITING 'MOLTEN POOLS OF ONYX' ACROSS YOUR BEDROOM CEILING WHEN WE GET BACK. AND TELLING EVERYONE WE KNOW.

…Oh, WAIT, I CAN DO THAT NOW. PREPARE FOR THE GIANT E-MAIL OF DOOM!

And after I do that, I need to work on my squirt gun skills. PH has kindly helped me set up a dart bored in my room so I can practice. (I didn't even have to bribe him! Blackmail was all that was needed this time! In case you were wondering, I was threatening to set fire to his calendar full of cloud pictures. Which he carries around in his purse. I mean, 'men's handbag.') (Purse.)

Technically, The Burger King isn't SEXUALLY harassing the customers. He's just assaulting them. There is a _bit_ of a difference.

EXCUSE ME, NEED TO SEND MASSIVELY DISTRIBUTED E-MAIL.

--Ino

P.S. Muahahahaha!

P.P.S. But because I am a slightly merciful evil mastermind, I will not send it to Sasuke. Sigh.

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Put some duct tape on it. That stuff holds the universe together. Along with The Force.

Well, in Kindergarten, Sasuke had this crayon. It was red, and looked exactly like every other red crayon—except that it had 'crimson' written on the label, which was pretty impressive, apparently. Anyway, Naruto tried to take the crayon from Sasuke, (who had claimed it as his own and wouldn't share with ANYONE,) and Sasuke basically…tattled on him. Wow. Anyway, the only one he shared the crayon with was Sakura, and Naruto's never really gotten over it.

…It's nice to see how mature my friends are. Golly gee whiz!

SASUKE SINGS THE RUBBER DUCKY SONG IN THE SHOWER?! THANKS A _LOT_, KIBA! NOW I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

And yet, I really, really want to see. No, it is not because of the naked Sasuke. At all. (Only partly, so sue me. That boy is _built_.)

And Zero is an extremely good looking character from a manga Sakura is obsessed with. That is all. Zorro is that guy with the cape and mask who never really got over the, 'there is no Superman' concept. And he pulled a Mexican Robin Hood—whatever.

Love,

-Ino

* * *

To: xxRamenNinjaxx, EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx, PoInTy, NHyuuga, HHyuuga, YOUTH4EVR, thebuZZZ 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Open if you dare!

Yo, haven't talked to you all in a while.

So, I'm sure you're all very curious as to the Sakura-Sasuke thing going on. Or at least, some of you are. Shino is probably hitting the 'X' button as we speak. (YES, I MEAN _YOU_, SHINO. HALT!)

…(You too, Neji.)

Anyways, I just thought that I'd inform you of a little something…

First, both of them have been madly in love since Kindergarten, but were too shy to admit it. Actually, Sakura usually blew something up whenever the two of them were near one another, so maybe that's to blame. There wasn't much time for proclamations of love when Neji's hair was on fire. (Have you checked out of therapy yet, by the way?)

Second, thanks to the masterfully cunning Kiba and I, the two of them have FINALLY started going out. If you see him, kiss him for me. Yes, I include Lee, Shino, Naruto and Neji in that. (Run while you still can, Kiba!)

And last…Sakura has recently told me that Sasuke's eyes are like 'Molten Pools of Onyx.'

…I really hope she was kidding around. Get a _room_, you two!

Ta!

-Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: YOU TRAITOR!

So it was YOU! It's YOUR FAULT that Sasuke's going out with her! INO, I AM GOING TO…TO…!

Well, I shall think of something. In the meantime, I'm sending you a tape of Sasuke singing in the shower. SEND IT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

KEEP IT REAL AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

-Naruto, the ultimate ninja!

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: (no subject)

You are so, so dead. She is going to murder you. And then follow you to the after life and kick your ass _again_. Rest in peace, dude.

-Kiba

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: PoInTy

Subject: Oh yeah?

I can top that. Velvety diamonds of snow. HAH.

…That was a joke. Do not tell Neji I said that. Actually, do. That is officially his new pet name.

How's it hanging, girl?

-Tenten

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: NHyuuga

Subject: Stop.

You'll give Tenten ideas. You know how excitable she is.

Cordially,

-Neji

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: HHyuuga

Subject: …Wow.

That's…kind of romantic, really. I hope they end up happy together. And I hope you're okay too, Ino! We've all missed you a lot! Sakura told me that you're coming back for the play—I'm in it too! Well, kind of. I'm teching. I tried auditioning—three times. I kept forgetting my lines. But at least I get to help out this way!

Sincerely,

-Hinata

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: YOUTH4EVR

Subject: Greetings!

Hello, Ino-san! How are you? I hope you are well, and fully in the springs of youth! Remember to eat healthy and exercise for at least an hour every day!

What is wrong with Sakura-san's expression of love? Though it has crushed my heart to see her snatched away in the blossoming promise of her youth, it seems I am unable to do anything. However, I think that her proclamation was very touching! She has the heart of a poet!

-LEE!

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: thebuZZZ

Subject: Well

I'm YouTube-ing this. I'll stalk them with my video camera and put up the footage when I've compiled enough. Thank you for your tip off, Ino-san.

Nice doing business with you,

-Shino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: If I were you, I'd run

You know, something INCREDIBLY funny happened to me today in school. Tenten came up to me, all serious, put her hand on my shoulder and says: "I think Sasuke's eyes are more like twilight. They're dark, but also have a little purple in them." And then she walks away.

Now, I WONDER WHY SHE SAID THAT, INO. Also, Sasuke-kun is more furious than ever; apparently, Naruto and Kiba video-tapped him while he was in the shower and singing, "Rubber Ducky." He also thinks I have something to do with it. Fantastic.

LIGHT IS NOT A FREAK! Have you _seen_ him when he smiles? Yum. And also, Mello looks like a girl. Now, Matt, on the other hand...

If we started a religion like that, it'd probably be bigger than the Roman-Catholics. Yay!

..._Ino_. I was WITH YOU when we were seven and watching 'The Aristocats' in your living room.

I hope PH attempts to show you how to shoot and accidentally throws a dart in your eyeball. On accident, of course.

--Sakura

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: Maybe I'll put some Windex on it, like that guy does in My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding.

Well, Naruto's basically the exception to EVERY rule. (Except that of gravity. Watching him fall out of the tree made my day.)

Shino put the video of Sasuke on YouTube. Did you watch it? I read through the comments, but after one girl commented on how powerful Sasuke's ass muscles must be I felt violently sick and almost broke my mouse frantically clicking on the X button.

I googled a picture of Zero. How do you expect me to compete with _that_? It's like Sasuke, only with silver hair and eyes!

--Kiba

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: That would require work. No.

Tenten is odd. We established this in ninth grade when she threw her sandwich at Neji because she had been watching the discovery channel and saw that monkeys throw poop at one another in some sort of mating ritual. Clearly, the girl is unstable.

Though, she is sort of my hero.

You know, Sasuke is really the one to blame for the whole rubber ducky matter. If he didn't present such mock-worthy situations, none of this would happen. CLEARLY, this is all his fault. He should be a more role-model citizen and less of an asshole. Then people would like him more. Tell him to read to orphans and help out the elderly. Sing the rubber ducky song to toddlers, whatever.

Alright, rules for the religion:

One, shrines must be present in closet.

Two, nightly prayer-rituals must commence.

Three, rabid fan girling is essential.

That's all I got, what say you?

PH is being a butthead and ignoring me. Well, not ignoring, but not talking to me. He and Temari are fighting again. If I was a less nosy person, I wouldn't listen in. As it is, I spoke recently to the ULTIMATE NINJA (!) and I really want to try out that ceiling crawl…

Okay, back. PH said something about 'priorities.' And Temari replied with, "like you even know what that means."

OHMIGOD.

-Ino

P.S. No one's called about Mr. Butters. It's been almost five days—the pound hasn't gotten him either…I think he might be gone.

* * *

To: valentineSTAKER, K-puppet 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: You ready for the games tomorrow? Are we going to kick ass or what?

LOAD THE MUSTARD CANNONS!

-Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: K-puppet

Subject: …Are you getting enthusiastic?

Please tell me you aren't. Oh God. Maybe I can break some essential body part before tomorrow.

-Kankuro

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: valentineSTAKER

Subject: (no subject)

Give me your friend's e-mail.

And stop eating artificial sugar straight from the packet. It makes you weird.

-Gaara

* * *

To: Uchiha723 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Idiot.

Ask her out already, dumb butt. If you don't she'll start thinking you're secretly some serial killer set on killing depressed women.

-Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: Uchiha723

Subject: Shut up

Don't tell me what to do. Why don't you ask HIM out? Hypocrite.

-Sasuke

* * *

To: Uchiha723 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Never!

Yes, but unlike you, I actually have some concept of what I'm talking about. So, bow down and take my advice, bitch.

You have no idea how long I have wanted to call you that.

AND I'm prettier.

-Ino

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: Customer Services

Subject: User notification

The user, S. Uchiha, has blocked you from his contact list. Please contact us at YahooStaff if you have any questions or concerns. Be sure to check out our newest edition, version 3.4! Upgrade today, for free!

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: You're incredibly lazy. I think PH is rubbing off on you.

She is TOTALLY your hero. I had to keep you away from all pointy objects after she had been talking about how her and Neji shared a love of weapons and that's how they bonded.

Ino. Can you picture SASUKE-KUN in an orphanage? READING to those orphans? Because, uhm, all I can see him doing is _kicking_ them, honestly...

I seriously CANNOT BELIEVE you made up rules. (Though I certainly have no problem following them. And having like, seven shrines in my closet. Which I DO NOT HAVE, OKAY? REALLY, PAY NO MIND TO THE TONS OF PICTURES.)

...not only is _PH_ rubbing off on you, but so is Naruto. I'll be having words with him.

YES! THEY ARE FIGHTING! CLEARLY, THIS IS A SIGN. INO, PRAY ON THE FIRST STAR YOU SEE AND MAKE WISH AT 11:11 EVERY. NIGHT.

--Sakura

P.S- Really? This is most worrying...

* * *

Naruto, 

I think you need to stop talking to Ino. Seriously, she is starting to QUOTE YOU NOW and it is TERRIFYING. Also, why would you do that to Sasuke-kun? He thinks I'M behind the whole video-thing-winding-up-on-YouTube. Thanks.

--Sakura

* * *

Sasuke-kun, 

Are you still sulking?

--Sakura

* * *

Sakura-chan, 

I feel so flattered! Clearly, she has been swayed to the way of the ninja! I'd crawl up on the ceiling now, but the last time I did that, the teacher put me in detention for stepping on her text books.

Trick of the light, I swear.

I'll take care of the idiot.

-Naruto, the ultimate ninja!

* * *

Teme, 

You know, Kiba and I had an awful lot of fun last night, hiding in your tree house and videotaping you in the shower.

Yep, that was us.

You have no idea how much money Shino paid for that copy. Though seriously, I thought he was using it for his own entertainment purposes, not YouTube.

On the brightside, several prison inmates think you're the most fetching thing they've ever seen.

-Naruto, the ultimate ninja!

* * *

Sakura, 

I was not sulking. I have to go kill Naruto now.

-Sasuke

P.S. I'm going to a movie tonight. If you have nothing better to do, I guess you can come.

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: OH MY GOD!

SAKURA.

MR. BUTTERS LIVES!

It's noon and I know you won't get this until you get home from school, and I have to go to work so that I can do the fast food Olympics—but I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW!

MY CAT. IS. THE. BEST.

So, I woke up this morning at like eight. Which is weird, because I usually stay in bed until ten, at which point I drag myself to the living room so I can watch _Bleach_. BUT—

OHMIGOD.

You want to know WHY I woke up at eight in the morning? Because Temari was SCREAMING.

My cat, my utterly awesome and brilliant cat, had stationed itself on our doormat. Temari opened the door, and I guess she didn't look down because I think she stepped on his tail—

AND THEN MR. BUTTERS PROVED THAT HE REALLY _WAS_ A JUNGLE CAT!

Man, I am changing that thing's name to _Lion_, or SOMETHING.

BECAUSE—HOLY CRAP. HE ATTACKED TEMARI. HE TOTALLY MUTILATED HER 500 DOLLAR DRESS, SCRATCHED HER FACE AND—AND—

And then he peed on her shoe. ON PURPOSE. Which, admittedly, is sort of tragic, because she has some pretty fabulous shoes and I really wanted to steal—I mean borrow them some time but—

It was so worth it.

And now, Mr. Butters is back. I have fed him all of my beef jerky, made PH give him a bath, (I do not want to be seen as the bath person) and now he is sitting on my pillow, regally chewing on his new toy mouse.

PH went and got a toy mouse for MY CAT. CAN I FANGIRL AND UPGRADE HIS SHRINE NOW?

…

Oh wait, it's _his_ cat too…

BAH. Technicalities.

-Ino

P.S. I am going to KICK ASS in the Fast Food Olympics—going for gold, baby!

* * *

**Ren's Note:** I would like to point out that Missa is going to be very apologetic and nice about us not updating in forever. You should all thank her, since she was the one who was like, "Reeeeen, we have to update! They're waiting! Have been for over a month!"

My response? "I HAVE HOMEWORK. CAN THEY WAIT LONGER?"

Yeah. Thank Missa. Anyway, only two chapters left to go! Hope to see you all at the end of this.

WHAT SHALL HAPPEN?

Will Sakura leave Sasuke for Gaara? What are Shikamaru and Temari fighting over? Is Mr. Butters rabid? Will Ino be able to make it back in town for her visit? Will Kiba decide he secretly loves Sakura? Will Sasuke continue being a prick and disregard Sakura's affections? Will they ever go on that date? Will Ren stop making this sound like an extremely corny soap opera?!

And most importantly...WHO WILL WIN THE FAST FOOD OLYMPICS?!

...Seriously, guys. I want a vote: BK vs. Micky D's.

Stay tuned! And thanks for reading, you guys rock.

* * *

**Missa's note- Well, I decided to put this underneath Ren's (EVEN THOUGH THIS IS MY NOTE-CHAPTER THINGY! In case you haven't noticed, we tend to switch off on who does the A/N for one chapter, though that only lasted for like, five chapters.**

**Also? I AM apologetic. My internet was down for three weeks, and trust me, I was going INSANE. I also felt bad because we haven't updated in almost two months. But, uhm, hopefully the length of the chapter will appease you guys, along with the romance. (And Jealous!Sasuke, can't forget about that. And mentions of teh smexy Zero. Mmm... you guys should go read that manga. Or google him, or something. Kiryu Zero. Google!) **

**Okay, so, my birthday's this Wednesday, yay! (Or, to be more specific, it's in five days.)So, why don't you guys be nice and review?**


	9. Action9: Go For The Gold

**A/N: **Greetings from planet Ren! Well, we just finished writing this a few minutes ago--and since Missa won't be here for Christmas, we're posting it now! So, hope you enjoy this present: the longest chapter yet! Thanks to all of you who've stuck with us for so long, only one chapter left...

It feels like the baby's all grown up and going to college. (SNIFF.)

I am dedicating MY half to **Miko-chan**, for her kind words and inspiring praise. Thank you for being cool. Don't you dare go hide under that rock.

Merry Christmas!

...(Haha, I got to top!)**

* * *

**

The Eccentric Files 

_Action9: Go for the Gold_

To: Angel4awhile

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: ...it is kind of sad how excited I am

Okay, so, I'm skipping lunch to write this to you. (I KNOW you're glaring at the screen right now, Boar, but you skip lunch all the time, remember? Besides, I had like, two things of chocolate chip pancakes, so whatever, I'm not hungry.)

Hooray for Mr. Butters! (and hey, while you're "borrowing" pairs of Temari's shoes, borrow me some too, okay?)

(And yes, you may upgrade PH's shrine. I KNEW he was a brave man!

...then again, who ELSE dodges a speeding bullet?)

So, whenever you get this, tell me how your (super gay) Fast Food Olympics went, okay?

--Sakura

P.S- I'm going on a date later with Sasuke-kun. Oh. My. God.

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: You got lucky! (Innuendo totally implied)

Beeeetch, YOU LIE! Making your fingers friendly with your esophagus is not dieting, no matter what freaking Vogue says!

And you know that all of this hostility from a lunch-skipper such as myself, (oh, admit it Sakura—you want to be one of the cool kids…LIKE ME. PAHAHA.) is actually just jealousy because I WANT SOME PANCAKES TOO.

Instead, I am forced to swallow my disappointment.

GODDAMN IT, WE WERE ABOUT TO WIN!

So, like, I was all pepped up for the fast food Olympics. I was going to PWN. And yes, I realize that I am quickly turning into a netspeak-addict. This is not my fault. PH just likes to play his stupid little Dungeons humping Dragons—ONLINE! (Or whatever you call it.)

(Yeah, his screen name is _The Darkest Shadow_. WAHAHA, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS A _NERD_.

But it should be noted that he is an impressive level 78, and has a shield of Gondor. I mean, I had to…check this game out, didn't I? Make sure it was age-appropriate? Wouldn't want his virgin eyes to be…

Shutting up.)

ANYWAY, THE FAST FOOD OLYMPICS.

…Dude.

Starting from the beginning, because that's always the best place to start…

So, like, we met at the arena, (which was an alley way) and made our leisurely way to the registration, (which was a cardboard box some hobo had crawled into. I made him go away. But then I felt bad, so I gave him my phone number. Yeah, like he's going to waste his quarters on me, I am so totally safe) and had a short glaring fest with our archenemies (Burger King Employees.)

And then…I got my VERY FIRST PEP TALK.

We all sat in a circle. And then I made everyone hold hands. Mostly because I like watching Gaara suffer. (He wants your e-mail. Permission to tell?) So there we were; me, the Burger King, Gaara, Kankuro, Larry-the-cook, and Maggie-the-janitor. All of us sitting to attention, (except Gaara, who was blatantly plugged into his ghetto CD-player, and Maggie who was sleeping, and Larry who was dealing cards to Kankuro—

Okay, so maybe I was the only one. Shut up. Knowledge is power!

…power corrupts, so be evil and stay in school.)

The Burger King: "You all know why we're here. This is our moment. This is our time to show that—yes, Ino?"

The DIVA: "Permission to sabotage, sir!"

The Burger King: "Denied. As I was saying, this is when we show those worm-infested patty makers that—yes, Ino?"

The SUPERSTAR: "I get to fire in the squirting competition, right?"

The Burger King: "The last time I handed you one of those things, you shot burning liquid in my eye. We need you for morale support, Ino."

The GODDESS: "You're making me into the cheerleader, aren't you?"

The Burger King: "This is a team effort—"

THE RAGING BALL OF FURY: "But—I practiced!"

The Burger King: "…Gaara, take the squirt gun from her. And why are you writing all of this down, Ino?"

(So that I could have it recorded as future evidence of your unfairness, you bastard! Actually, it was just so I could show you.)

Gaara: "Shut up, I'm not doing this."

(I would KILL for this squirt gun, you twerp!)

TBK: (glaring) "You are deliberately ignoring the rules of your superior—"

Gaara: (flatly) "This is stupid. I'm leaving."

Kankuro: "Shit, Gaara, give me a second—I'm about to win—"

AVATAR OF WRATH: "THIS ISN'T FAIR. YOU ARE PLAYING FAVORITES. I'M FILING FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

TBK: "GAARA, IF YOU LEAVE, YOU'RE _FIRED_. INO—"

Gaara: "You can't fire me. These aren't my working hours. This is completely out of your jurisdiction."

A team player: "Fine, I'll be the best damn cheer leader you've ever seen! Then you'll _have_ to let me play!"

TBK: "You…STOP IT. PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON. NOW."

Gaara: "Never mind. I'll stay."

(HA! I _KNEW_ THAT BOY HAD HORMONES!)

Okay, so, like, I really need to get ready for my shift now, and bully PH into waking up and giving Mr. Butters a bath, so I'll finish this later, alright?

Sexily,

--Ino

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: BAD NEWS!

I realize that we're in typing and I'm supposed to be drilling on vowels right now—BUT I HAVE GRIEVIOUS NEWS.

Sasuke's video on YouTube is huge. It's on the front page. He has over ten million views. It was on _MSN news_. Dude, there are talent agents _trying to get his phone number_.

And Shino's already opened the auction for this 'exclusive information' on eBay. Go take a look—it just hit six figures.

We have just created a celebrity.

HOLY. SHIT.

And now I have nightmares about Sasuke going up for High School Musical 3. WHAT IF HE'S SINGING AND DANCING ON _TABLES_ NEXT?

Horrified but still a ninja,

--Naruto

P.S. And he somehow got a date with Sakura-chan. This is an evil we must stop. Luckily, it's a horror movie, so she won't get scared and hug him but—WHAT IF SHE FAKES IT!? She is a sneaky bugger, sometimes…

* * *

To: fINK 

From: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: Are you related to Michael Jackson?

…Because you keep sending my URLs to porn sites. Seriously, stop it. I do not want to look at pictures of under aged boys. Especially since, now that Sasuke's so famous, some people are starting to do sick, nasty things with Photoshop and—

Oh, god.

More ninja than YOU,

--Naruto

* * *

To: xxRamenNinjaxx 

From: fINK

Subject: He's my pen pal…

And I find him a very engaging individual. Please keep your rude comments to yourself, Naruto-kun.

And there's no need to be so jealous, even if you are dick-less.

Sasuke? Excuse me, I need to Google something…

--Sai

* * *

To: fINK 

From: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: RUN!

YOU ARE SUCH A HYPOCRITE!

AND STAY AWAY FROM GOOGLE! THAT THING IS ALL-KNOWING. IT CANNOT BE UP TO ANY GOOD.

Ninja, bitch!

--Naruto

* * *

Item: Your future boyfriend's phone number 

Current highest bid: 560,750 dollars

Buyer: Lin Karin

Seller: Aburame Shino

Closes: five hours

Description: The secret phone number for that mysterious, sexy man spreading like an online wildfire is now on sale. Being a close correspondent, I'll also offer name, home address, and a brief biography—including likes and dislikes. Guaranteed transaction, full refund should any information prove false or inaccurate.

_Make your bid:_

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Jealous?

...relax, idiot. I'm not anorexic, OR bulimic. (Though I bet you wish I was, muahaha.)

And I REFUSE to share my chocolate chip pancakes with you. You can have the buttermilk ones, though.

OH MY GOOD GOD, INO, JUST TELL ME WHO FUCKING WON ALREADY! (Though I'm sorry it wasn't you.)

And you do, indeed, have my permission to give my e-mail address to Gaara.

INO! DO NOT LEAVE ME NOW! I AM ABOUT TO GO ON A DATE WITH SASUKE-KUN! HEEEEEELP MEEEEE!

--Sakura

P.S-- And you are not sexy. Who's been lying to you?

* * *

To: xxRamenNinjaxx 

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx

Subject: Somehow, I don't find this surprising.

And yet, all this information is strangely frightening. And I feel bad for Sasuke. Don't you? (You're a horrible best friend, by the way.)

Also, relax, Naruto. Do you think Sasuke would DEGRADE himself so much to be like Zac Efron? Or however you spell his name. It's not important.

Don't worry; this'll all die down soon.

--Kiba

* * *

To: Uchiha723 

From: Karinbabyyy

Subject: From your future wife!

I've won the bid. I know you're so _happy_, Sasuke-kun, because now you don't have to hide your feelings for me anymore! I know, you're so gracious for me, aren't you?

So, how about a date at seven on Saturday?

--Karin

P.S. And afterwards, maybe we can…be alone…

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Not really. Knowing you, you'll probably embarrass yourself hideously.

Yeah, my life's dream is to have a best friend with an eating disorder. Thank you for this insight, Sakura. You have helped me to find my true heart's desire.

Not.

Your e-mail address is being given to Gaara. I am stealing your pancakes. I will walk you through this terrifying process known as dating with text messaging, never fear.

And now, to finish up my tale.

So, after I attempted to seduce our opponents, (I swear it would have worked—I was stopped because I am a _minor_. Like _that_ has to do with anything. He has _obviously_ not read fanfiction.)

But anyway. After that, I kind of…threw a hissy fit, and stomped off, (very sexily, ess tee eff yew, Sakura) and sulked with the Taco Bell girls. Who proceeded to mock me for being such a white girl.

Look, it's not MY fault that I can't tell the difference between a homie-G and a home-slice. Like, whatever; it can all be wrapped up into the universal and all encompassing concept…known as 'dude.'

Moving on.

So, Burger King kicked our ass in speed-cleaning tables, since Maggie was basically still half-asleep. And Taco Bell _pwned _on making a catching slogan—

I had no idea that you could make such a suggestive phrase about burritos, by the way. Seriously. And then they had to throw in 'slurping it down' with the coke and—dude. I think I might have to start eating at _healthy_ places from now on.

So, yeah, basically we were sucking everything up, and they didn't let me even touch the squirt gun, and Kankuro lost all of his money half way through the entire thing and basically just went home, and Gaara only stuck around because I paid him to, and Maggie fell asleep in the alley, (we just sort of left her there and left) and—

I wonder where _Larry_ went…

…where was I?

Oh, right. BUT THEN, MY MOMENT TO SHINE CAME! So I stepped up to the task with the proper amount of enthusiasm and decor. Never let it be said that I lack subtlety.

The QUEEN: "LISTEN UP, YOU MORONS! You are going to do EXACTLY what I say, and—"

TBK: "Ino. Get. Off. The. Trash. Can."

The Empress: "Shut up! I am saving your sorry ass! Now, as I was saying—"

Gaara: "Ino, can I go yet? You aren't paying me enough for this—"

RULER OF THE WORLD: "SHUT IT, DAMMIT! UNGRATEFUL MINIONS—I HAVE A PLAN!"

(It should be noted that I said this very dramatically. With much flourishing and dramatic posing. It was at this precise moment that the trashcan's lid caved in, and I very nearly had moldy bananas in between my toes.)

I forged on. (exclamation point!)

But I still feel that people ought to give me more credit.

Under my wise and gentle rule—er, guidance—oh what the hell, rule—our plan was set into motion!

This was the last contest—to see who could tell the most food and make the most money within an three hours. I went _all out_.

As in, blackmailing Kankuro to bring his (massive) stereo system, bribing Gaara into loaning me his retro lights, commanding TBK to start making bucket loads of fries.

Meanwhile, I set up the stage by pushing all of the tables together. And then I did the unthinkable.

I called Temari.

Yes, I know, I was pretty impressed with myself too. Even more impressive is—she _came_. And Chouji came too, and even PH! So, Chouji was in the kitchen making some of the best 5-dollars-for-a-meal food I have ever tasted, while Gaara did some sort of illegal lighting thing and made the room all blurry and wicked looking, and Kankuro set up the music system—(he wanted to play 'This Is Why I'm Hot.' Um, NO. There will be no Mims at _my_ party.)

And PH, who is apparently a lot more artistic than I had originally thought and is able to do some sort of genius-hacker thing, managed to send an e-mail to just about everyone in New York.

I seriously couldn't believe it. Everything was going so smoothly. I got to wear some of Temari's shoes, (yesssssssss!) and everyone was getting along, (except for Maggie who was asleep in the alley, Larry who was abducted by aliens or something, and TBK, who just kind of stood in the corner and yelled that _everything had better be back to normal when all of this was said and done._

Yeah. Because everyone'd take your crummy tables and red vinyl chairs over a _rave_, man.)

And dude, people came. And I got to be a rock star, just for a little bit, and dance and sing with Temari on our makeshift stage in fabulous clothes and everything was fantastic.

Especially since, uh, _I can dance better._

(HAH.)

So I was feeling pretty good about myself. I mean, Burger King employees just stood out in the rain and tried to wave people in. Taco Bell shook their stuff, but didn't even come close. We were _top of the game_.

And seriously, if they would have let me participate in the first place, we would have _won_.

BUT NO.

FREAKING WENDY'S COMES ALONG WITH THEIR STUPID RED PIGTAILS AND SLATHERED MY HAIR IN KETCHUP UNTIL I LOOKED LIKE THEIR FRIGGING _MASCOT_.

And they were also the winners of the squirt gun thing, which meant that they won the whole contest, since two plastic-cup-lid-medals went to them.

…

SON OF A _BUMBLEBEE_.

We lost. To. WENDY'S.

I have to walk my cat. And I can't find his leash. He might've eaten it again.

SEXILY,

--Ino

P.S. Don't forget to text me. I'll be waiting. God knows nothing interesting ever happens to ME…

* * *

**2sexxy2c**: whoa, u ttly pwnd tht ogre 

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Thanks. Now speak in English.

**2sexxy2c**: lol bitch

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You could say that.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Do you know a guy, **TheDarkestShadow**?

**2sexxy2c**: OMG tht guy iz l33t!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Thanks, I didn't know. So, you know him?

**2sexxy2c**: r u hot?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: That's a mystery of this world. Are you a fat old pervert who sits inside all day?

**2sexxy2c**: no

**2sexxy2c**: im hot 2

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Thanks for the info. You know where **TheDarkestShadow** is?

**2sexxy2c**: i tink hes near dungeon 489 dats wut my friend sed

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Really? And we're on dungeon 84, right?

**2sexxy2c**: lol yea were newbs

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …Does it make your brain hurt to type like that?

**2sexxy2c**: no dude u git used 2 it

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Oh.

**2sexxy2c**: wanna go out?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: We'll see. In the meantime, you want to come to dungeon 489 with me?

**2sexxy2c**: dude thtll take 4evr

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: It won't. I got this far in a couple hours.

**2sexxy2c**: srsly?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Yeah, I learned from the best. I'll help you level up, alright? If we go together, it'll be easier to kill the hard guys.

**2sexxy2c**: whoa ok

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Cool. Let's go, then. I call that black vampire.

**2sexxy2c**: y do u wanna find this guy?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I live with him. I thought it'd be fun to play this weirdo game with him too, but I guess I have to catch up first.

**2sexxy2c**: SRSLY?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Why would I lie?

**2sexxy2c**: iz he hot?

* * *

To: Uchiha723 

From: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: Since we ARE friends…

I thought I should let you know. You're like the biggest thing since sliced bread on YouTube, and there are agents all over the place, trying to hunt you down. Shino's just made a fortune off of your stats—he sold them to some super rich girl. I mean, REALLY rich. As in, she's paid over half a million dollars for your phone number.

That's really all I know. Seriously, I didn't think it was going to go this far. Whoa.

When you're dancing on tables and singing in school musicals, be sure to remember all the little people!

(Yeah, the whole e-mail right there? That was so I could LAUGH AT YOU.)

Seriously, I think you should go for it. You'd be brilliant in a musical. A thriller. A drama.

A COMEDY.

A _CHICK FLICK_.

Kiba has just read this over my shoulder. Now he's trying to purchase airplane tickets online. I don't think the school servers are letting him. He seems pretty set on trying anyways, though.

Dude, remember…

FOLLOW YOUR HEART!

Ningalicious,

--Naruto

P.S. Fergie kicks ass, SILENCE, INFERIOR MORTAL!

* * *

To: NHyuuga 

From: PoInTy

Subject: My little munchkin cake!

How was your day, he-with-eyes-like-the-purest-snow-capped-mountains?

Love from she-with-a-smile-as-warm-as-the-summer's-embrace,

--Tenten

* * *

To: HHyuuga 

From: NHyuuga

Subject: Do not open in front of family members

I know that your father has already formed some sort of insane idea that Tenten's going to marry me someday, but I would just like to say right here and right now that the girl is out of her mind, and I am breaking up with her.

I'd appreciate it if you'd help me break the news gently.

--Neji

* * *

To: PoInTy 

From: NHyuuga

Subject: Please read this

Tenten, I think you're an amazing girl. But you're a little _too_ amazing for me.

Sorry.

Love,

--Neji

* * *

To: NHyuuga 

From: PoInTy

Subject: I read everything you send me, silly!

Oh, silly Neji. You did it wrong! You're supposed to have long, obscure metaphors that make others want to throw up!

Here, I'll help you. Use 'sun's kiss' in your comparison. You can't go wrong.

No need to apologize! I realize that sometimes you can be a little slow. That's why I love you.

--Tenten

* * *

To: HHyuuga 

From: NHyuuga

Subject: Actually…

Nevermind.

--Neji

* * *

To: PoInTy 

From: NHyuuga

Subject: That's good to know.

Can you help me practice for the soccer tournament?

--Neji

* * *

To: xxRamenNinjaxx 

From: HHyuuga

Subject: Help

Naruto-kun,

Neji's talking to me about his love life. Or, he's e-mailing me. It's making me nervous. He usually doesn't talk to me unless he wants me to pass the mashed potatoes. I mean, he hasn't been mean to me since we were kids and you beat him up—so, I don't want you to do that again or anything, just—

I'm a little worried. He must be really stressed…

From,

--Hinata

* * *

To: HHyuuga 

From: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: OH MY GOD

NEJI HAS A LOVE LIFE?! AND HE'S STRESSING AND ACTING WEIRD AS A RESULT?

…

Could you _forward_ these e-mails, please?

(OH HAPPY DAYS.)

Ninja-fu!

--Naruto

P.S. Have you seen the video of Sasuke in the shower yet? If not, do. It's 'radically awesome' as you say at your place. Which means 'the shit.'

…Or wait is it, 'the bee's knees?'

* * *

To: Karinbabyyy 

From: Customer Services

Subject: User Notification

The user, S. Uchiha, has blocked you from his contact list. Please contact us at YahooStaff if you have any questions or concerns. Be sure to check out our newest edition, version 3.4! Upgrade today, for free!

* * *

To: Uchiha723 

From: Karinbabyyy2

Subject: Silly!

Oh, silly Sasuke!

That wasn't spam! I really did win—look, do you want to see the receipt?

I'm looking forwards to our date! And…the night…

Kisses,

--Karin

* * *

To: Karinbabyyy2 

From: Uchiha723

Subject: Go away

Look, I don't like you. I don't care about how much money you paid, _go away_. I'm seeing someone else, anyways. Look, there's even a picture attached.

* * *

To: Uchiha723 

From: Karinbabyyy2

Subject: Distance cannot break our love!

God, you should be so grateful you have me now. I mean, I can take care of that pink skank dragging you down, so no problem. Come on, Sasuke—I heard you like it rough.

-Karin

* * *

To: Karinbabyyy2 

From: Uchiha723

Subject: Shut the fuck up

Take your fucking money and get the hell away from me. People like you make me sick.

* * *

To: Karinbabyyy2 

From: Customer Services

Subject: User Notification

The user, S. Uchiha, has blocked you from his contact list. Please contact us at YahooStaff if you have any questions or concerns. Be sure to check out our newest edition, version 3.4! Upgrade today, for free!

* * *

To: xxRamenNinjaxx 

From: Uchiha723

Subject: Die

You had better get those plane tickets and run.

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Dude, tell me about this date! When are you going? What are you doing? Do you have any condoms?

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Okay. I'm about to go on my date with Sasuke-kun. What should I wear?! (AND THERE ARE NO CONDOMS! SICKO!)

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Nothing.

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Be serious, Ino! I'm thinking my 3/4-sleeved green shirt, my denim skirt, and my black high-heeled boots. (Which I got back from your closet, Awesome-Boot-Stealing Bitch.) What says you?

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Interesting choice. I think that people in retirement facilities wear clothes like that. Minus the boots, since they're MY boots and therefore just awesome.

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Shut up! I thought you wore conservative clothes now! ...okay, fine, I'll wear a black leather skirt. Happy? And those are MY boots, but you've had them for so freaking long you think they're yours.

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

Please, it doesn't matter what clothes you wear, you'll be taking them off soon anyways. When's your date? Where're you going? And actually I bought you those boots as a Christmas present, and then I just really liked them.

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Are you insinuating that Sasuke-kun and I will be having sex at the end of this date? Because if you think we are, you are sadly misinformed. (After all, this is SASUKE-KUN, not one of your own man-whores.) My date's in an hour. And whatever, THEY'RE STILL MINE. (And we're going to the movies.)

* * *

From: Ino 

To: Sakura

I wasn't insinuating anything. I was stating a fact. And I seriously recommend chewing a lot of gum between now and your big show.

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

THERE WILL BE NO SEX. (You pervert. Is PH secretly corrupting you, or something?) I already AM chewing gum. And since you've been absolutely no help whatsoever, I'm wearing what I previously told you I would.

So what's going on with PH and Temari?

The doorbell just rang. SHIT! E-mail me, okay? And don't leave out any details about him and Temari!

* * *

**2sexxy2c**: dude weve been on all nite 

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Yep. But we're on dungeon 345, aren't we?

**2sexxy2c**: yea

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: See? I told you I'd help you level up fast.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Do you know where **TheDarkestShadow** is right now?

**2sexxy2c**: lemme ask my friend

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Take your time. I'll just go kill that pack of henchmen.

**2sexxy2c**: ok they saw him in 523 ysterday

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Damn. Well, at least we're catching up!

**2sexxy2c**: im tired

**2sexxy2c**: wanna meet back here tomoorow?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Sure, but it'll have to be after my shift. I get out at 5:30.

**2sexxy2c**: hey me 2

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Huh. That's odd. You on the east coast time zone?

**2sexxy2c**: lol yea

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Oh. Maybe you live near me then. Are you in New York?

**2sexxy2c**: …yea

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …Wow. I wonder if we know one another. You know a gorgeous blonde girl?

**2sexxy2c**: holy shit

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: What?

**2sexxy2c**: ur sn

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: What about it?

**2sexxy2c**: iz ur name ino?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …I thought that was pretty obvious.

**2sexxy2c**: omg

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WHAT?

**2sexxy2c**: um

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Just tell me already!

**2sexxy2c**: do u work in micky d's?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Yes…why…

**2sexxy2c**: this is kankuro

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …Oh my God.

**2sexxy2c**: dude this is unreal

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THIS HAPPENING?

**2sexxy2c**: what r u doing playing d & d?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: YOU'RE PLAYING IT TOO!

**2sexxy2c**: girlz lyk u do not play thez games

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Thank you. I think. BUT STILL, THIS IS WEIRD.

**2sexxy2c**: dont tell temari

**2sexxy2c**: she thinks i quit years ago

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Okay, but in return, we are never mentioning this again. Agreed?

**2sexxy2c**: ok

**2sexxy2c**: wait is **TheDarkestShadow** _Shikamaru_?!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Duh!

**2sexxy2c**: i think i need 2 go 2 bed now

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: valentineSTAKER

Subject: Hey

So, I got this e-mail address from Ino. This is Sakura, right?

Just a test e-mail. Delete it if you aren't her, or I'll kill you.

Test: What is the name of Ino's evil cat? If you can answer that, I'll know it's you.

--Gaara

* * *

To: ShikamanXX 

From: valentineSTAKER

Subject: Asshole

What'd you do? Because Ino started crying. And then she cried on my shirt. And if I _ever_ have to go through that again because of you, I will whip you with your own entrails.

So whatever it is, you better fix it, you asshole.

--Gaara

* * *

To: ShikamanXX 

From: K-puppet

Subject: YOU BASTARD

Okay, what'd you do? Because if it was you or Temari, than I'll kick your ass. I swear to God, you had better have a good explanation, or I will make sure to send you the nastiest virus I can find. One that'll make your hard drive blow up.

Fucker.

--Kankuro

P.S. Are you really **TheDarkestShadow**?

* * *

To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx 

From: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: We have a problem. Again.

Dude, take a look at this:

_**Message Forwarded: **__Listen up, maggot. You don't know me, and it's going to stay that way, but you do know Sasuke-kun. So, I want you to break the pink leech off of him. I bought him off eBay, okay? I have rights! And I'm not going to let that little whore get inbetween us!_

_I realize that this is an inconvenience to you, and am fully prepared to pay you for it. Please e-mail me back so we can negotiate billing._

_--Lin Karin_

Oh my god. I am in way over my head. This girl is a FREAK! Like, a SERIOUS BASKET CASE.

I'm afraid. Hold me.

Ninjaful,

-Naruto

P.S. Actually, Sasuke wants to kill us too. I think we better leave the country. How's progress on those airline tickets?

* * *

_Hey, this is the voicemail of Nara Shikamaru. I don't _want_ to pick up the phone right now, so just leave a message, and I might get back to you. Don't hold your breath._

**-click-**

"Hey, Shikamaru, this is Ino. I think it'd be best if I just…moved out for a little while. I left Mr. Butters with you since…since he's technically your cat, but never fear! For I shall be back for him soon.

…Yeah, I was just calling to tell you that. So, uh, I'll see you later, I think."

**-click-**

"Shikamaru, it's Chouji. Call me back. I have a distraught blonde girl who's flirting with all my customers, and business is strangely good. If you don't make things better, I might have to keep her around."

-**click**-

"Listen up you shithead, I know where you sleep. My sister and all that, right? This is Kankuro, in case you haven't figured it out yet. Okay, so I've noticed that my sister's unhappy, and Ino's unhappy, and I'm not tell you to freaking pick one, because that's just screwed up and I would totally try for a threesome but—

…Wait. Oh. Right, well, anyway—I don't really give a crap about whatever's going on with you guys, but you better make them happy again. Because if you don't, I can and _will_ kick you ass."

**-click-**

"This is Gaara.

You have twenty-four hours."

**-click-**

**

* * *

**

_**-The Diary of Ino Yamanaka-**_

**May 30, 2007**

Stuff I need to get around to doing:

Sakura's Play (only need another 200 dollars) (two weeks from now, last day of school)

Checking on Kiba's Love Life (Yeah, he just _happened_ to find someone. Sure.)

Getting Sasuke to Pull the Stick of his Ass (No foreseeable development)

Slipping Tenten some Tranquilizers (God knows she needs them)

Get Idiot of a Best Friend through College (She better appreciate that)

Bribe Chouji into Healthful Food (because I really want a good salad right now)

Buy Cat Food (and keep eye on Mr. Butters)

Stop Meddling (disregard the above list)

So basically, I've been screwing everything up for my entire life. Way to go, Ino.

Okay, the really big thing I need to do? The one that I absolutely can in no possible way forget; do not think about Shikamaru. Do not. Not even a little bit. Thinking about them will result in a rubber band wrist-snap. So people will start thinking I'm one of the wussy-emo kids who doesn't even have the guts to cut themselves. Whatever, they can think it if they want to.

Because I am not playing third wheel. Just. No. I don't need any of that. Really, I can handle whatever on my own—and I'll just stay with Chouji for a little while and then, when I've got enough money, I'm going home. I'll just work there.

I guess this city's a little too big for me. I guess I was stupid to believe that everything could just happen the way I wanted to—that if I fought hard enough, I could get that impossible happy ending.

But…just, if I do get my happy ending, where will that leave everyone else? How many lives would I have to ruin for my own happiness? I didn't leave because of anything that anyone did, or at least, not to me. They just kept on fighting and screaming and—I don't want that. I don't want to be the reason for so much hurt. I don't want him to ever cry (or not, since he's a guy. I guess I mean I don't want that stiff-upper-lip-thing) because of something I did.

So, it's better this way. I think. Maybe they'll name their first child after me. Except I hope not, because that'd be kind of creepy.

…And now all I can think about is Temari saying, "Go give Ino a kiss goodnight!"

My imagination obviously has it out for me.

* * *

From: Temari 

To: Shikamaru

Where'd Ino go?

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Temari

She left.

* * *

From: Temari 

To: Shikamaru

Yeah, I got that. But where'd she go? Did something happen?

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Temari

Who knows? Do you even care?

* * *

From: Temari 

To: Shikamaru

We need to talk.

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Your date with Mr. Wonderful

Tell me what happened. And I mean everything. I want hard R, not that wussy PG-13 garbage. Seriously. You have no idea how badly I want to hear this. I have a lot of money riding on the outcome.

Me and PH? Everything's fine. Temari's fine too. As is Mr. Butters—actually, that's a lie.

I have something to confess.

…I think my cat is overweight.

(How did _that_ happen?!)

--Ino

P.S. I'm sure your granny clothes looked smashing. On the floor.

* * *

To: valentineSTAKER 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Re: Hey

Yeah, this is Sakura. And the name of Ino's cat is Mr. Butters. (He's not evil, though! ...okay, well, maybe a little. But let's disregard that, shall we?) So what's up?

(Hey, maybe YOU can inform me on the Ino/Shikamaru/Temari situation, since Ino obviously thinks I'm going to swallow her DIM-WITTED LIES. What's going on?)

--Sakura

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: More like Mr. Asshole

What the hell do you think I am; some kind of prostitute? And this isn't a porn movie, Ino. Honestly, who's been corrupting you? (Also, it's nice to know that you've got bets going on with your little friends about the outcome of my relationship with Sasuke-kun. Bitch.)

Okay, so everybody's...fine? You're hiding something. DEFINITELY hiding something. Do I LOOK stupid to you?

...you THINK Mr. Butters is overweight? Ino, you feed him like, FIVE CANS OF TUNA. OF COURSE HE IS OVERWEIGHT.

--Sakura

P.S. Actually, that leather skirt was yours, SO HA!

P.P.S. The date was fine.

* * *

From: valentineSTAKER 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: I have an odd question

Can you come to New York? I want to meet you. Since it really is you, and have recognized that Ino's…thing…has rabies. I'm seriously going to have that thing tested.

I don't know what's going on. She started crying at work today, not breakdown-crying. Just sad-crying. Nara hasn't answered mine or Kankuro's e-mails or calls, and I haven't seen Ino since a few hours ago, but Temari talked to me a little while ago, and she seemed pretty upset.

If I find out, I'll let you know.

--Gaara

P.S. Who's better: Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson?

* * *

**-The Diary of Ino Yamanaka-**

So, I was thinking about quitting my job. Chouji said that he'll let me work at his place, and the pay's probably better. Also, I won't need to go through the humiliation of wearing such dorky uniforms. I really hope my future husband didn't see me in that—

Wait, no, I don't have a future husband. Independent, right. ME WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!

I think that was a spot-on Sakura impression, heh heh heh…

I really hope she never reads that. I just got a chill…

So, yeah, I'm sleeping on the couch. Kinda interesting, since I have a new favorite past time. I call it 'deep sea diving' but really I just stick my hand down between the cushions and see what comes up. I've found out why his couch is so uncomfortable, incidentally, considering the three batman action figures I've retrieved. (Chouji swears he has no idea how they got there. Uh-huh. _Sure_.)

Oh, hey, pizza boy—(why we order take-out when he owns a restaurant is kind of a mystery.)

Wow, um, _cute_ pizza boy. Maybe I can marry him, since he'll inherit millions of dollars and—

I am such a _gold digger._

Shut up, diary. It takes one to know one. I fully realize that this statement makes absolutely no sense in the context I have just used it in. What_ever_.

But still. I exercised some self control and did not demand for his phone number. Mostly because I didn't have any money to tip him with, but whatever.

* * *

To: ShikamanXX 

From: Sandprincess

Subject: Since you've been avoiding me…

Look, Shikamaru, you can't run from your problems forever. I know you're hiding somewhere, and that you've probably got your laptop with you, so I wanted to write this e-mail to you, since I know you'll at least read it. Hopefully. You better.

I know that I've said some bad things to you lately, and I wasn't acting very nice to you or Ino. And I really regret that because…I think under different circumstances, I might've been able to be her friend. She likes you. Both of us know that—hell, I think half of New York does.

That was…weird for me. Because you let her stay with you, no questions asked. I mean, you knew her for a few hours—on a hi-jacked bus trip. It took me weeks before you'd even _let me_ into your home. So I guess I was jealous, because she was young and pretty, and obviously interested, and she was better at flirting than I am. I'm not very good at being romantic, you know? But you aren't really, either. It's kind of amazing that we stuck together for over a year.

But anyway, I really wanted to hate her. I did, a little bit, because she was pretty and I guess she caught your eye in a way I never have, not that you'll admit it. I don't think she liked me much either, at least in the beginning, since I was…you know, the enemy.

I bet you're sitting there thinking that this is all really, really stupid, huh? Trust me, it is. But you should pay attention anyways.

It seems like you two get along in a way that we don't. I know that there are something's that we share—like art museums and poetry cafes and sitting on rooftops—that she'll never be able to do. But I know that there are also things she can show you—things I couldn't. So…I do love you, Shikamaru, but I can't promise I always will. I know you won't, because let's face it—people make these promises all the time and then forget about them later on as the next big thing came around.

So, let's not pledge undying devotion, because seriously? Load of crap.

You know what I have to do now, and I'll text you later. We'll see how things go.

In the meantime, I'm going to get the girl for you. If I left it up to you, I doubt anything would ever happen.

Love,

--Temari

_

* * *

_

_Hi, this is Ino's voice mail! Leave a message, and if you're cute, I'll call you back. Those of you who _aren't_ can just hang up now._

…_I mean it._

**-click-**

"Hey, Pig? Are you there? It's Sakura. Listen, what's going on? I thought things were going well—seriously, if I don't hear back from you, I'm going to come to New York. I mean it. Call me, we have a lot to talk about."

**-click-**

"Listen, Ino, are you okay? Because I just went over to your place and Nara told me you'd moved out. Where are you? Call me. We still have about 150 dungeons to go."

**-click-**

"You've got twenty four hours.

…to explain yourself."

**-click-**

"Hey you, this is Temari. Listen. I'm coming over there in a few hours, so don't go anywhere. We need to talk about some stuff."

**-click-**

"Ino, your cat has fucking rabies. I'm not kidding, this thing just tried to bite my foot off. Where'd you put the cat food? I think it's hungry."

**-click-**

* * *

**Ino?**

Yes, Chouji?

**Why are we writing on a piece of paper and hiding under the couch?**

So that Temari will think we aren't home. Shush.

**And why do we not want her to know this?**

She wants to talk to me.

**Wouldn't this mean that you're supposed to go out there and **_**talk?**_

Of course not. She's going to kill me for stealing her boyfriend.

**You're dating Shikamaru?**

I didn't say I _succeeded_ with stealing her boyfriend!

**You implied it!**

You're imagining things!

**I'm answering the door. She's not going away.**

She will. She has to, eventually. Plus, if we answer now, she'll know we were hiding!

**I should probably mention something.**

What?

**That door is not as good a protector as you think.**

…Meaning what?

**She's got a copy of the key.**

…Oh shit.

**See? She's opening the doo—**

**

* * *

**

Kiba,

Is it just me, or is there a girl with red hair who looks _suspiciously_ like a fan girl out in the parking lot? She's not a student here—do _you_ think she looks sketchy?

…Did she just _hump Sasuke's back tire_?

Ninja-but-afraid,

--Naruto

* * *

To: GreenEyed07 

From: Angel4awhile

Subject: Friend or Foe?

Sorry I've been dodging your calls. Just, so many things have been happening, and I didn't really want to talk about it until I had figured things out.

I want to get the unimportant stuff out of the way first, so…

Apparently, my cat is not only fat, he is also rabid. (LIES!) And I do not think you are a prostitute. I find myself thinking you are a prude, now. Considering that WHAT THE HELL I WAS SO READY TO SCREAM WITH YOU BECAUSE HELL YEAH, SAKURA GOT LUCKY.

Fun-sucker.

And now onto what I've been doing…

So, basically, I quit my job. I work as a waitress now, at Chouji's restaurant. But only part time. Basically, I got re-hired back at McDonalds. After I had my little…thing…I went back there and got on my knees and begged. It appears that The Burger King likes me more than he let on. And frankly? I would have missed him. A little bit. Maybe. Er…okay, not really at all.

But that isn't the important part. My breakdown _had_ no trigger, just the realization that I was a home wrecker. Yes, I have these realizations frequently, but it got worse since they kept fighting. I mean, I was happy they were fighting, because that meant they would break up and then, ha-ha, I would win! But—just—that's such a sick way of looking at things, isn't it? I'd only be gaining through her loss. And the two of them started looking so tired and miserable and I finally realized that I was the only one who was really happy.

So…I just decided to go. I packed up my stuff and went to Chouji, who's letting me sleep on his couch. And I kind of avoided everyone for a day, called in to quit my job, helped out with the restaurant…

And then I got a call from Temari, saying she wanted to talk.

I panicked, and hid under the couch. Turns out she had a spare key, which means that I was thoroughly humiliated when she walked in on me hiding under the couch. And then I tried to flee down the fire escape. It took a while, since there were all these confusing ladders and stuff, and by the time I was halfway down, she had gone back down the stairs and was climbing up. Furthermore, she had shut the window. I was very, very trapped.

And also felt kind of stupid, since, y'know, I had just ran away like a little kid.

So I waited for her climb up, and just kind of sat there. She finally made it, and sat down beside me, and looked over and…

Well, she said, "He never does the dishes, plays on his computer all day, bums quarters off of strangers, and loves his stupid cat, even if he won't admit it."

I kind of stared at her. I think my mouth was open. She continued, "He'll leave the clothes lying around, and—like you—he dropped out." And then she reached out and put an arm around my shoulder. I was seriously about to fall over. Yes, while sitting down.

"In the beginning, I really hated you. I thought you were trying to steal my boyfriend," she took out a cigarette, and stared shredding it into grains of sometimes-legal drugs.

I just kind of stared at her, because…well, that was _exactly_ what I was trying to do. How awkward.

"But—" and then she handed me some of the powder, which I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do with. "It was more then that. Sometimes you can't help but to reach for the things you really love."

Yeah, thanks. I'll use that excuse from now on. As soon as I figure out what it _means_, you friggin' hippie.

"So I wanted to tell you good luck," she looked like she wanted to cry. I know I wanted to. My eyes were all blurry. I kind of wish I was tough like she was, now. I probably looked like a little wuss. "He's a hard man to love."

And then she stood up, made her palm flat, and blew out her shredded half of the cigarette, so that the little bits of paper and powder dissolved into the already filthy air. I just kind of held my half and continued to be stunned/tearful.

She started walking down the stairs, very gracefully for wearing four-inch heels, and just stopped long enough to say, "But I guess you don't need any help on that part."

And that's what happened. About ten minutes ago. Chouji handed me the laptop through the window, so I'm sitting out here and typing this to you. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do now.

Enough about that, something obviously happened on your date. Out with it. If I gave you my embarrassing sob story, you're supposed to return the favor.

--Ino

P.S. You JACKED THAT SKIRT?! YOU WHORE! I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR THAT!

P.P.S. You know, PMS makes my mood swings pretty violent. They're kind of exhausting. Stop making me angry, you…angry-fying person!

* * *

From: Temari 

To: Shikamaru

I took the job. I'm on my way to the airport right now, so I guess I'll be in Italy for the next two years. I talked to her, by the way.

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Temari

Congratulations. You're getting a lot of publicity for this, aren't you? What'd you say to her?

* * *

From: Temari 

To: Shikamaru

Thanks, and yeah, I am. This is the chance that everyone dreams of.

If you go and talk to her, you'll find out.

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Temari

Remember me when you're famous?

* * *

From: Temari 

To: Shikamaru

You know I will. There's someone you need to go and see, now.

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Temari

I'll miss you. But not this thing you have where you automatically assume that you know what I want.

* * *

From: Temari 

To: Shikamaru

Have fun with your tough act. You won't even be able to function without me.

Don't be an idiot. For once in your life, why don't you try? I know that you can't fail with your method, but you can't win either.

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Temari

You are so troublesome.

* * *

From: Temari 

To: Shikamaru

I'm not the only one. I have to turn off my phone now, I'm about to get on the plane.

I guess this is goodbye.

* * *

From: Shikamaru 

To: Temari

Thank you.

* * *

To: valentineSTAKER 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Well then, I have an odd answer

So I've decided I AM coming to New York. Since you asked so nicely, haha. Okay, well, that's PART of the reason. The other part is that my somewhat-boyfriend is a total jerk. Please tell me you don't have fangirls.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, and the next time you talk to your sister, can you tell her I said good luck in Italy for me? Because I kind of...hated her (Ino's best friend, remember? I was biased) but then it turns out that she's really cool. And she deserves to be happy. So yeah, can you tell her I said good luck?

--Sakura

P.S-- Expect me to be there by this weekend, play practice be damned.

P.P.S-- Sorry, but I have to go with Rob Zombie. Marilyn Manson kind of frightens me, with his eye and his I-wish-to-be-woman. Also, Rob Zombie's movies are AWESOME.

* * *

Naruto, 

That is, indeed, a fangirl. Though there are many of those here, but I don't recognize her. Sasuke obviously does, though, because the move he just made could only approximately be summarized into 'flailing', though I'm pretty sure it was in horror.

Hey, I haven't seen Sakura at all today. And Sasuke looks more surly than usual. I wonder what happened on their date. Do you know?

--Kiba

* * *

To: Angel4awhile 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Uhm, foe? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME!

...so you mean Temari was nice THIS ENTIRE TIME?! Oh my God, I feel like such a bitch. Though I'm sure you feel much worse. Oh Ino, we had no way of knowing it, and you know that. And maybe if Temari ever comes back from Italy, you, her, and I can be friends, since she apparently is really cool. (And can walk in four-inch heels. Wow.)

Okay, so, date. Right.

I wore your skirt, MY boots, and decided to change into my white long-sleeved shirt. The tight one. (Happy?)

We went to go see Saw 4, which was actually pretty good. I paid for my own ticket, though. But Sasuke-kun picked up the tab on my snacks, which kind of redeemed him. The girl behind the counter, though-- oh my God, Ino, you should've SEEN these girls assets. I'm no small size myself, but this girl must've had like, triple F's or something. And she was flirting outrageously with Sasuke-kun. Like, when she handed him the snacks, she learned against the counter so that her cleavage was all up-and-close, and then said, "If you need anything else, just let me know." And then she _winked_ at him. WINKED! Ugh, some girls have no dignity. (And you've improved a lot, so I can't say anything about you. Besides, I'm biased.)

Okay, so, anyway, the movie was good. Kind of confusing, but good. Nice and gory, just the way I like it. Sasuke-kun didn't hold my hand or anything, but then again, I wasn't expecting him to. Then again, it wasn't too long ago that he was SHOVING ME AGAINST A WALL AND KISSING ME, so dammit, I think I DESERVE a little hand-holding. (I'm not whining. Honestly, I'm not!

...okay, maybe a LITTLE.)

Right. So, the movie was over, and I REALLY had to pee (I blame that medium soda) so I went to the bathroom, came out, and found Sasuke-kun squashed against the wall and some red-haired girl had thrown herself at him and was kissing him.

But he hadn't moved to throw her off. I think maybe he was just in shock, but STILL. He has way too many fangirls. How am I supposed to compete with THEM?!

So he kind of choked at the sight of me, FINALLY threw her off, grabbed me by my arm, and took me home. I thought he would've at LEAST tried to explain, but...nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

So now, I'm online, shopping for airline tickets. Despite the fact that it's Thursday, I found some pretty good tickets to New York. I'm coming to visit you and all of your wacky friends. Yes, including Gaara. Maybe I can be happy with him, who knows? Sure, he'll probably never make my knees weak, or make my fingers tingle whenever his hand accidentally brush mine, but still, I'm so tired of being in love with Sasuke-kun. Besides, maybe a change of scenery will do me some good.

The only thing I'm worried about are the kids. I mean, who's going to take care of them? My parents can barely take care of THEMSELVES, and Kazuhiko told me that he'd take care of everything, but let's face it, Ino, he's TWELVE. Still, I'll tell my mother that she can take care of them for a weekend.

I'm coming to see you. Don't even TRY to dissuade me.

--Sakura

P.S. Ino, I think you're blind. It was buried under your light blue tank top

P.P.S. You're telling ME. Ever wonder why I tend not to anger you on your Time of the Month? There's a good reason for it; you're SCARY. And emotional.

* * *

From: Sakura 

To: Ino

Okay, I guess you haven't checked your mail today. It's after school, I successfully skipped school again, and now I'm at the airport. I'll see you soon, okay? I miss you too much to be separated from you much longer. (Besides, who ELSE is going to tell me how big my calves look in the school skirt, and that maybe I should hike the skirt up a little bit more to even out how long my legs look?)

* * *

**Missa's A/N: Alright, I know you guys were looking forward to an update, but my computer broke, and I was without one for two months. I know, I don't know how I did it, either. I'm just amazing like that. Plus, Ren had finals, so we had to wait until break began to update TEF. And we wrote almost 9,000 words in just two days, mostly thanks to Ren, so remember to thank her in your reviews, okay guys?**

**To everyone who wished me a happy birthday, thanks! My birthday wasn't bad, and I got some pretty good presents. (Like Grey's Anatomy seasons 1-3. Anyone watch that show? Grey's is love.) Anyway, the next chapter is the last. I know, Ren and I are upset about this too. But, never fear! Another story is lurking on the horizon. It'll probably be up by this summer, but don't hold me to it.**

**Anyway, thanks for reading, and the next chapter will be up soon! Don't forget to review!**


	10. Action10: Take A Bow

**The Eccentric Files**

_Action10: Take a Bow_

To: Naruto

From: Sakura

Hey, Naruto. Uh, I'm at the airport; I'm going to visit Ino in New York. If you see Kiba, tell him thanks, for everything. And if you see Sasuke-kun...

Ignore him. Just...ignore him.

I'll be gone for a few days, including Monday, so if anyone asks: I'm sick. Thanks.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Naruto 

Yo! Wait, so I don't get to see you for several LONG AND DIFFICULT DAYS?! My heart weeps, Sakura-chan! Okay, what do I need to punch Sasuke for THIS time?Are you seriously going to New York? Isn't that kind of...what's the word...rash? (not the itchy kind). I mean, Ino's coming back in a few weeks...

* * *

To: Naruto 

From: Sakura

Don't worry, Naruto, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Again, don't worry about it, Naruto. Sasuke was just being Sasuke. And, well, he's Sasuke, and I'm Sakura. Our worlds weren't meant to join, anyway.

Yes, I know it's rash, I just miss her, and I think that maybe a vacation might do me some good.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Naruto

Au contraire, I will NOT be fine! You need to be here to protect me from Neji. Dinner at Hinata's did not go as well as we had hoped. (I did NOT THROW FOOD. AT ALL.)

Plus, without you, I am totally a victim. Hinata's dead terrified of Neji, and Tenten—

Well, I think she's crazy. A lot crazy. We should call the psychiatric ward and have her admitted because that chick is BATSHIT INSANE. I think she likes watching others in pain.

Don't get on the plane yet. Seriously. I need you.

--Naruto

* * *

Sasuke, 

Let me make things perfectly clear. You are an idiot. I don't know if you were (repeatedly) dropped on the head as a child, or if it's just some natural deficiency—but I have a question for you.

WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. YOUR. PROBLEM?

Because I feel that this is a very important topic for us to discuss. And while I realize that you have an arsenal of problems, (such as civil conversation and—OKAY, I'LL JUST SAY IT, WHAT IS WITH YOUR HAIR? IT'S CALLED A COMB, YOU UNHYGENIC FART-NOSE) I would like to skip over all of those ridiculous details and get to the point. Which is Sakura-chan.

I think we should go over The Guy Code again.

Rule Number One: When The Girlfriend is upset, you are supposed to make it better. Remember, do not tell them the truth—tell them what they want to hear.

Rule Number Two: When you are lucky enough to HAVE a girlfriend, (you lucky bastard) you are not supposed to UNNECESSARILY ANTAGONIZE HER.

Rule Number Three: When you have a girlfriend and ANOTHER girl hits on you, there are several steps to go through—

One, make sure that the two of them won't agree to a harem. (if not, skip to number three)

Two, figure out which one you love more. I mean, which one you'd rather bang. Yeah.

Three, make a decision on who you're going to go with. If The Girlfriend happens to be a hot female who'd gladly jump your bones—DO NOT GO OFF WITH THE OTHER ONE. Get your priorities straight.

(Four, if The Girlfriend is actually kind of a bitch and you were looking for the excuse to dump her anyways, then feel free to get out the camera and take pictures of what will surely be a very hot catfight.)

Five, consol The Girlfriend. Say all those embarrassing things that she really likes to hear and which you would not be caught dead saying elsewhere. (Example: "You're the only one for me, my sweet cheery blossom." Etcetera etcetera.)

Rule Number Four: Cars are cool. So are airplanes and knives. Shoot-em-up games are kind of neat as well. Never, ever admit to having played 'Dance Dance Revolution.' Eat anything you can at all possible opportunities. When making a vow, be sure to knock fists. Slapping hands is kind of girly.

Rule Number Five: DO NOT CHECK YOUR FINGER NAILS THE GIRL WAY, AND YES SASUKE, I SAW YOU DOING THAT YESTERDAY. NEVER FEAR, YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME—SO LONG AS YOU KEEP YOUR HYSTERICAL GIRLFRIEND FROM FLYING TO NEW YORK.

I swear to God, I will tell everyone. I will even make flyers with the URL of your video on YouTube and PUT THEM UP EVERYWHERE if you do not fix things.

Asshole.

Ninja-X,

—Naruto

P.S. Kiba says he knows this guy who has a friend with a Harley's Angel's tattoo that likes girls with pink hair. You hear that? Someone is sniffing out the turf. Do the alpha male thing. Go pee on a bush.

* * *

Naruto, 

You might think that you have some sort of 'blackmail' over me, but remember. I can and _will_ tell Neji where you've been hiding. You do know that he's been sleeping in your house—waiting for you to come home, right?

Just a friendly tip.

Look, what are you talking about? Where's Sakura? And stay out of my business, for the last damn time.

--Sasuke

P.S. Tell Kiba that his friend's mother's whatever can go and screw a cactus.

* * *

Sasuke, 

Since it's obviously taking so long to sink in—

SHE'S LEAVING YOU. I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM HER. SHE'S AT THE AIRPORT. GOING TO NEW YORK. AND _NEVER COMING BACK_!

What the hell did you _do_, you messed up, asexual blob?!

Ninja-master,

--Naruto

* * *

Kiba, 

I feel so devious. Did you SEE the way that sucker knocked over his desk? I swear, I have never seen him move that quickly. I think his eye might have been twitching.

Maybe I shouldn't have thrown in the 'never coming back' part.

Oh well. Sasuke always was a little slow.

Ninja-spy,

--Naruto

* * *

Naruto, 

…Wait, what's going on?

--Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Sasuke cheated on Sakura. Or at least, she thinks he did. Apparently some psycho—(the redhead, remember? The one humping his car. Or whatever it was that she was doing) has gotten it into her head that they're 'destined to be together' and she has apparently purchased his contact information off eBay, courtesy of Shino.

No wonder he got a Rolex…

Anyway, she seems to think that getting someone's phone number also means buying their soul, and—like—publicly made out with him. And now Sakura has the wrong idea and is running off to New York to hang out with Ino—

And I just told Sasuke that she's never coming back.

Which is a complete lie, I mean, whoa, I can't believe he fell for that. WAHAHA. Bet you security's not going to be too happy about him blatantly cutting class!

Oh man, this is so sweet.

Ninja-pirate,

--Naruto

* * *

Naruto, 

You got SASUKE to tell you this?!

--Kiba

* * *

Kiba, 

Of course not. I got all this from Ino.

NINJA SHA-ZAM!

--Naruto

* * *

Naruto, 

Oh my god. He's going to kill you. He's going to _rip you to shreds_. I'm serious. When he gets back, he and Neji will band together and it will be like the Salem Witch Trials all over again! They'll go hunting! FOR YOU.

…AND THEN THEY'RE GOING TO ASSUME THAT I WAS AN ACCOMPLICE!

That's it. Oh my god. Pack your things, we're going to Antarctica.

--Kiba

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: So it looks like there's been a change of plans

In my defense, this IS NOT MY FAULT. Blame Sasuke. Because even though I asked Naruto not to tell him I was leaving for New York, he did it anyway.

And...

Oh my God, Ino-chan. I'm sitting here, on Sasuke's bed (get your mind out of the gutter, pervert) and I still can't get my mind wrapped around it.

So I guess I'll start at the beginning, huh?

I was texting Naruto, and I told him I was leaving for New York for a few days, but I asked him not to tell Sasuke-kun where I was going, because...well, you already know, but Naruto doesn't, so he obviously wanted him to stop me.

And ohhhh, stop me he did.

So I was just sitting there, minding my own business and waiting for my plane to arrive, when suddenly there was this shadow standing over me. And it didn't move. I had assumed that it was some guy waiting for a seat or whatever, but after about five minutes I got annoyed and looked up.

And there was Sasuke-kun, standing there, staring at me. Just...staring at me. (It kind of gave me the creeps, to tell you the truth. His face was COMPLETELY. BLANK.) This is what he said to me:

"What are you doing here, idiot? You should be in school." I replied that so should he, and he just stared at me, completely silent. Then...

"You're not leaving. I won't allow it."

I was PISSED, obviously. So I stood up and started yelling at him, and poking him in the chest (though we were completely ignoring the people giving us strange looks. We were also getting scandalized! looks from grandparents. It reminded me of you, and PH, of course.)

And then, he just grabs me by my shoulders and kisses me. I would describe it, but my mind was blissfully blank. Let me just say that if I thought that that kiss after play practice was good, it had NOTHING on _this_ kiss.

"You're going to stay right where you are, do you understand, Sakura?" HOW he could talk after that kiss, I still have no idea.

But, anyway, I actually DID understand. He means that where I belong is right there, next to him, by his side.

And, oh my God, Ino-chan...I am so happy. So incredibly happy. Sasuke-kun and I have been doing a lot of kissing in the last few hours, and...wow. I think I'm going to have no brain cells by the time this night is over.

(Also, if you talk to Naruto, tell him to RUN, and run far. He, apparently, told Sasuke I was going to New York and never coming back. This was all done so that Sasuke would come and get me.)

So how are you feeling? What's going on with PH?

--Sakura

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Good, because the way things are going, you might've had to sleep on the street.

Only you could sit on your boyfriend's bed and send your best friend an e-mail. Only you, Sakura.

(Congratulations! I _knew_ you were '_special_!')

Just to let you know, I'm happy for you. But if you and Sasuke become one of those disgustingly mushy couples, I will not tolerate it. I mean it. The MINUTE I see one of you feeding the other, I am SO, SO GONE.

…Also, if you start coordinating your outfits, I might have to throw up.

NOW MOVING ON TO THE NEWS FROM MY TOTALLY AWESOME AND WICKED COOL LIFE—

Shikamaru is kind of a bum. I am still working for Chouji. Kankuro and I are on the verge of BEATING Dungeons and Dragons which, no, I most certainly do _not_ play. Most certainly do not.

Do not argue with me.

Temari is doing fine in Italy, though. I got an e-mail from her the other day. Apparently she's rooming with another model, who's kind of a bitch, but they are doing this weird, 'we-can-be-friends-so-long-as-you-let-me-borrow-your-shoes.'

Sakura. We do not have this kind of a relationship, right? It frightens me. It seriously does.

So, anyway, I'll keep you posted on the PH thing. Asshole. I mean, his girlfriend was CLEARLY setting us up, (which was pretty cool of her, I must say) and what does he do? WHAT DOES HE DO?

Makes some lame-ass excuse about me being a minor.

…

SO ARE YOU, YOU NITWIT. WE ARE _BOTH_ ILLEGAL. I KNOW FOR A _FACT_ THAT HIS I.D. IS A FAKE.

Grumble. Mutter. Hiss.

Although, Chouji is telling horror stories about when the two of them were in high school, (I guess they graduated early or something) and I must say…it is making my marginally more cheerful. Wow. Okay, so, PH was a pimp. Is. Whatever. Apparently, though, he basically just kind of sat around and let them come to him. Which is not how romance is supposed to work. He is supposed to be dashing, and, like, I don't know. Knock on the door and sweep me off my feet and—

SOMEONE IS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.

THERE IS A GOD!

--Ino

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: False Alarm

Never mind. Some crazy person thought that it was Halloween. Just ignoring that they are off by several months, um.

PH, YOU LOSER. YOU WERE JUST SHOWED UP BY SOME CANDY-DELUDED HOBO!

Grumpily,

--Ino

P.S. Ten days until your play!

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: xxRamenNinjaxx

Subject: I'm curious…

What's happening over there? How are the lovebirds? How is Kiba-the-obvious-besotted-and-in-denial taking all of this?

And most importantly, what the HELL did you do to piss off Neji so badly? I'm worried, Naruto-chan. I mean, if you die, then they'll investigate me to see if I know anything, and then they'll find out that I'm sort of illegally living in New York and—yeah. It would be better for all of us if you didn't die.

And, er, I love you. The world would be a dark, dark place without its number one ninja.

Charmingly,

--Ino

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Please save me

I am writing this to you on Hinata's computer, since she is basically the only one who doesn't want to kill me right now. Seriously. I FEAR FOR MY LIFE!

So much so, that I have taken to hiding in my girlfriend's closet. I mean, they'll NEVER find me here!

Uh. I went to dinner with Hinata's family, right? And Sakura had been teaching me about etiquette and such, so I thought I was…pretty safe. I knew enough to not throw my food at the ceiling, since Neji and Sasuke are both kind of anal about that. I don't know what their problem is, do you? Serious under-appreciation of modern art.

Anyway, everything was fine for a while. I mean, I think Hinata tried to drown herself in her tea a few times, but other than that, all was well.

And then and then—

They started INTERROGATING ME. I have never been so afraid.

First it was, "What do you want to be when you grow up, Naruto?"

And I KNEW I should have said something like a doctor or a lawyer or some ambitious, respectable job like that, but I was REALLY, REALLY nervous, and ended up blurting out that I wanted to be a ninja. Which is TRUE, but obviously not the right answer. Yes. I think I failed a personality test.

And then her dad's eyes narrowed and he got all stiff—and THEN!

"What is your GPA?" (About a…2.5.) "Who are your parents?" (I live alone. But I have a couple of perverted old men who check on me occasionally.) "What are your intentions with my daughter?"

AND THEN—

I swear, I didn't know I was this stupid. I think he has truth-zapping laser eyes. BECAUSE I—

"Well, I think she's pretty hot. And I like kissing her a lot. She's pretty cool, you know?"

I SWEAR TO GOD, IT SOUNDED PRETTY GOOD IN MY HEAD.

Hinata turned all red and made this funny little choking noise, which probably meant "Run, Naruto, run for your life!" and her dad got all freakishly still and gripped the butter knife kind of threateningly, and Neji…

Well, Neji basically just attacked.

And now both he AND Sasuke are—OH MY GOD THEY'RE _WORKING TOGETHER_—and frankly, I am worried about my ability to create children, since I think that if they catch me I am. Um. Well.

Which is why you need to come home early and. Uh. Save me.

Kthnxbi.

--Naruto

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

Darling, your eye is twitching again. If you don't tune down the homicidal look, they're going to suspend you again.

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Neji

My eye is not twitching. And I do not look homicidal. I am calm, Tenten. I am very, very calm.

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Tenten

Notice to self: Make sure to update will.

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

If you say so. Silly head, I think it's time for s o m e b o d y to take a nappie!

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Neji

Don't patronize me, woman! We're through!

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

Neji, you try to break up with me at LEAST twice a day. You need to get over this fear of commitment. We should have a good, long talk.

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Neji

I am not afraid of commitment and I do not need a 'talk' because I'm _serious_! We're _through_!

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

Uh-huh.

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

I want my red bra back, then.

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Neji

I don't have it!

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

…Oops. Um. Never mind!

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Neji

…And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

Hey, Neji, my love life is no longer any of your business. Chillax, you just broke your pencil again.

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Neji

Tenten. I demand to know what is going on. It is too my business.

Can I borrow a pencil?

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

Well, if you want to know, then you'll have to un-break-up with me. That's just the way things work, Neji. Accept some responsibility!

Sure. Do you want the one with the panda eraser?

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Neji

Fine. Now tell me what you meant about the red bra.

And I want the bird eraser.

* * *

To: Neji 

From: Tenten

Glad to know you're back on the team, sport.

* * *

To: Tenten 

From: Neji

TELL ME ABOUT THE RED BRA!

* * *

Neji, 

I find it hysterically funny that the teacher FINALLY caught us texting, just as you were sending the bra message. Don't worry, I'm sure your reputation is totally intact.

--Tenten

* * *

Tenten, 

Tell me about your bra already.

--Neji

* * *

Neji, 

Is that a sexual innuendo?

--Tenten

* * *

Tenten, 

Stop laughing at me. You know what I meant.

--Neji

* * *

Neji, 

Since the thought of me showing someone other than you my underwear has obviously sent you into a passion of jealous rage, I shall disclose this scandalous information:

I'm wearing said red bra. I forgot.

--Tenten

* * *

Tenten, 

I think I need to break up with you again.

--Neji

* * *

Neji, 

You idiot, you were supposed to ask for proof!

--Tenten

* * *

Tenten, 

Is that a sexual innuendo?

--Neji

* * *

Neji, 

My God, but you are slow. YES, YES IT WAS.

--Tenten

* * *

Tenten, 

Breaking up. Now.

--Neji

* * *

Neji, 

It's that time of month, huh?

--Tenten

P.S. You are officially the biggest loser ever. I can't believe you turned down the opportunity to see a girl in her underwear. What kind of man are you?

* * *

Tenten, 

You are very evil.

--Neji

P.S. You were…what?

* * *

Neji, 

Accept your defeat gracefully and meet me behind the bleachers.

--Tenten

P.S. Oh God…_I_ should be the one breaking up with _you_ all the time!

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: EXCUSE ME?!

Uh, we're not dating. We just make-out. We haven't discussed being in a relationship _just_ yet. (Bite me. If anyone's _special_ here, it's **you**.)

...Ino, can you SEE Sasuke being one of those people? I mean, COME ON. He'd probably kill himself before he ever fed me. (And, seriously? COORDINATING OUR OUTFITS?_ I'd_ kill myself before I EVER allowed that to happen.

...I am TOTALLY going to argue with you. If you're on the verge of beating D&D, then how do you not play it? I'm curious.

No, we don't have that relationship. Ours is more like so-long-as-you-let-me-borrow-your-clothes-I'll-be-friends-with-you.

(Relax, I'm kidding.)

...YOU'RE JOKING. OKAY, FORGET SASUKE, I AM SOOOO COMING UP THERE AND BEATING HIS ASS. Seriously? _Seriously_?! BECAUSE YOU'RE A _MINOR_?!

Boys are stupid. Let's throw rocks at them.

Hohoho--let me hear some of these horror stories!

(and poor you; STUPID DOOR-KNOCKERS, INDUCING FALSE HOPES!)

--Sakura

P.S. WHEN ARE YOU COMING DOWN TO SEE IT?

* * *

To: Naruto 

From: Sasuke

Be prepared. I'm going to rip you to shreds and grind your spine into dust. Sakura's "leaving for good", is she?

* * *

Kiba, 

How are those plane tickets to Antarctica coming along?

NINJARIFIC!

--Naruto

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: valentineSTAKER

Subject: So it looks like I'm not coming to New York after all...

Sorry! I had my plane tickets, and I was all set to go...

And then my sort-of boyfriend came after me and convinced me to stay home. I'm really sorry! I know you were looking forward to coming and meeting me...but maybe you can come with Ino when she comes to see my play? I'll pay for your plane ticket, or whatever ticket you need to get here.

So, uh, what do you think?

--Sakura

* * *

_Hey, this is Chouji's voicemail! Leave your name after the beep! Or maybe you could come over. And bring some Barbeque-flavored potato chips while you're at it, okay?_

-**click**-

Hey, Chouji, this is Shikamaru. Can you, uh...can you tell me when Ino gets off from work? Or when she has a day off? She's not talking to me. Well, later.

-**click**-

* * *

**2sexxy2c**: hey!1 

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Yo, K-slice. What's poppin', my home sizzle?

**2sexxy2c**: ino.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: What's up, my brother?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You got something to say?

**2sexxy2c**: u r as white az vanila icecream. stop that

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: There are two l's in 'Vanilla'

**2sexxy2c**: y rnt u coming 2 work?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I quit. The side effects involve a shitty attendance record.

**2sexxy2c**: i no

**2sexxy2c**: but isn't everything kind of better now? i thought my sis gave him up for u

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Yes, well, PH is kind of slow on the uptake.

**2sexxy2c**: PH?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Pineapple-Head

**2sexxy2c**: lol u r on crack

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Thanks, I amaze myself with my own wit too, occasionally.

**2sexxy2c**: so wats hiz prob?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Ugh. He insists that I Am A Minor and therefore off-limits. I guess he's convinced he's going to corrupt me.

**2sexxy2c**: uh huh

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Why so cynical? I am the epitome of innocence.

**2sexxy2c**: ino, half the time i c u, ur missing half ur clothes

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I should be very indignant right now. But you kind of have a point.

**2sexxy2c**: not that im complaining

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: At least you have good taste. What dungeon is PH on? Do you know? Or your friend…?

**2sexxy2c**: u still want to find him?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Yeah. I feel that the most important social interactions happen while battling a pack of baby dragons.

**2sexxy2c**: u r so twisted

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Thank you. I've always been flexible. It comes from robbing banks and the such.

**2sexxy2c**: ok, **FEEDME** says **TheDarkestShadow** is on dungeon 703

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: HAH. Only 25 dungeons to go!

**2sexxy2c**: i feel that my life is very, very sad.

* * *

Kiba, 

I am so, so afraid. Please, please, PLEASE tell me you have those tickets. Neji just kicked me under the table. This is possibly the most violent game of footsie ever. I think my shin just cracked. I'm serious. I don't want to stand up—I think that might seriously break my leg.

Ow, ow, ow, this is so LAME. Of course I think Hinata's cute and a good kisser! I'm freaking dating her! What do they think we do, spend all of our time studying? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

He just kicked me again. That's why I'm making pained little noises. I am not crying. Shut up. I know you're thinking it.

Ninjas do not cry.

--Naruto

* * *

From: HHyuuga 

To: NHyuuga, HiashiHyuuga

I'm sorry to bother you like this, but I think you two have gotten the wrong impression of Naruto-kun. I know he and Neji were friends before all of this started, so I'd…really appreciate it if you would all give him another chance. I know that he didn't give off a very good impression at dinner the other day, but—he was really nervous! He practiced being polite for days before coming—doesn't that count for something? I really wish you'd just give him a chance.

So…that's all. I really do like him, and I'm sorry for any disruptions this may have caused you.

But please back off.

Sincerely,

Hinata

* * *

From: Karinbabyyy 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: About our date…

Well, I know I had fun. (winkwink) You're so naughty, Sasuke-kun! But ugh, I saw your tag-along. Can you please ditch her already? She makes me break out. I mean, _I'm_ your girlfriend, we need to get rid of the dead weight and move on with our relationship!

I'm coming to see you—I just can't wait!

--Karin

* * *

From: Customer Service 

To: Karinbabyyy

Subject: User Notification

The user, S. Uchiha, has blocked you from his contact list. Please contact us at YahooStaff if you have any questions or concerns. Be sure to check out our newest edition, version 3.4! Upgrade today, for free!

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: CityPolice

Subject: Restraining order

I'd like to issue a restraining order on Lin Karin, who has verbally, virtually and sexually assaulted me. Please mail me back on this.

* * *

From: Uchiha723 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Thought you should know

That girl you saw at the movies kissed me. Not the other way around. She got all my contact information off the internet because of that stupid YouTube video.

So don't get any dumb ideas. I'm not seeing her.

--Sasuke

P.S. I want you to come to a concert with me. It's at eight tonight. I'd pick you up.

* * *

From: valentineSTAKER 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: (no subject)

Whatever. We wouldn't have been able to do much, honestly. I work days, and my night job is something you probably aren't interested in. Unless you like death metal, black lace, and spikes.

A boyfriend, huh? Have fun with that.

Sorry, I can't come to your play. I'm booked as a DJ that week.

--Gaara

* * *

From: Sandprincess 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Yeesh

No offense or anything, but I had kind of pegged you down for being a bit more… 'assertive.' Which basically means I thought you were a whore, but I say that in the nicest way possible.

God, Ino. What's taking you so long? It's not like he's a particularly complex human being or anything. It's very simple, really. You tell him what to do, he whines for a while, and then gets it done.

Come on girl, you da man.

--Temari

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: Sandprincess

Subject: Don't make fun of people smaller than you.

Does this mean that I should give up my dream of him whisking me off my feet, carrying me to the church and getting married? Because I really liked that dream, even if Mr. Butters didn't…It's a shame to loose it so quickly…

Okay, I didn't REALLY think that was going to happen, but do you really think I should take the initiative? Won't that be threatening his manliness?

--Ino

* * *

From: Sandprincess 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: I wasn't. Your heels make you more than tall enough.

Sweetheart, if you ever had such a dream, I would laugh at you. Actually, I'm laughing anyways, but whatever.

And please don't mention that hellion of a cat.

Look, Shikamaru's manliness is questionable. I'm sure that he has some sort of demented honor/pride/for-the-sake-of-my-country shit, but I have yet to see it. Basically, he always manages to talk himself out of it. That is occasionally one of his good points, because it makes him low-maintenance. It is also occasionally a bad point, since if a guy walks up to you in a bar and starts hitting on you, it is doubtful that he will do anything more than look slightly grumpy, and maybe, if he can summon the effort, drag you away. (He only does this if he's near you. If he has to get up and walk across the room, then just forget it.)

You probably think that I'm trying to hijack your relationship.

I'll let you in on a little secret: just because Shikamaru works online doesn't mean you don't have competition. His ex-girlfriend from high school? Yeah, and you thought _I_ was a controlling bitch. HAH.

Get a move on, he isn't very good at defending himself or saying no. He just has trouble figuring out what he wants.

(I realize I am being highly optimistic when I assume that Shikamaru wants anything. I used to think he has chronic fatigue syndrome. Then I realized that he was just the laziest bastard to ever walk the planet. I wish I was exaggerating.)

--Temari

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: Sandprincess

Subject: They show off my legs, what can I say?

This must be really for you weird. You're giving love advice to the bitch that tried to steal your boyfriend. You're helping me steal him! Okay, never mind, this is weird for me too.

I have one question. I have a fair idea of how to take the initiative, but…how does he react to that? I mean—I mean, I kind of come off as a slut. You know what, screw it. I AM kind of a slut. But I don't want him to THINK I'm one.

You know, I almost liked it better when he was unattainable. Now that you're gone, there's no safety net. It's weird.

--Ino

* * *

From: Sandprincess 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Last e-mail

You're right, this is weird. I feel like we could kind of be friends, but—I don't know, maybe after a few years or something. I do still love him, and helping you is…kind of…well, it's just freaky. And it makes me kind of jealous, so, I think this is the last word you'll get from me. I'll come see you in a few years when I'm back from Italy, at which point, neither of us will particularly give a crap about the other's love life, and we can be the best of chums.

…

Or maybe we can just exchange shoes.

You're going to have to figure out this initiative thing on your own, sorry. I will say this, though; one of the reasons why I wanted to leave so badly was because I kind of wanted to get out of the way. Frankly, you were the other girl, and it was weird. It went past petty suspicions and interrogating him with text messages, (I am proud to say I only did that twice) it was more the realization that I had _already become_ the third wheel.

He has never looked at me like he did you. And from what I've heard, he liked me better than Tayuya. (High school chick. You can thank me someday for kicking her ass. I don't think you could have prevailed against that psycho, no offense) so I guess…you've already got something the rest of us don't.

That was very hard for me to admit, which means that you shouldn't reply to this e-mail. That way I can pretend you failed to ever get it, and never read it. That would be nice.

If you ARE reading this, then good luck.

--Temari

P.S. He really loves that cat, by the way. Another reason why it wouldn't have worked out.

* * *

**Ino, this is stupid. This is the second time in a week that we are hiding under the couch, and frankly, there isn't enough room under here for me, much less BOTH of us.**

I don't want to talk to him!

**Look, he obviously came so he could talk to you! Just open the door! I hate hiding from him—he's my best friend!**

Yeah, well…he's kind of a lame best friend.

**You have a point. But as a man, we have certain loyalties.**

Such as?

**I'm supposed to help him when he's trying to chat up a girl.**

HAH! He is not trying to chat me up! I already gave him PLENTY of opportunities! He's probably here to lecture me about 'responsibility' and 'under aged' and whatnot.

**You realize that he's only a day older than you?**

That's what I said!

**Well, sometimes Shikamaru is a little slow to catch on.**

OBVIOUSLY.

**Are you mad at him?**

Of course I'm mad at him. I went to his place, hung around for hours, BLATANTLY HINTED that we should hook up now, and what does he do? WHAT DOES HE DO? He tells me that I should borrow his coat.

…**What's wrong with that?**

He didn't want me to be seen in public with the shirt I currently had on.

…**Oh.**

I am _filled_ with righteous anger!

**Ino, I should probably mention that he has the keys to the apartment also.**

…what the hell _is_ this, the communal drama-pad?

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Changing the subject to my lovelife…

So, let's cover all our bases.

Number One: Mr. Butters is overweight and living with Shikamaru, but otherwise fine. I still miss him, but whatever.

Number Two: you and Sasuke have made up and are currently snog-buddies-who-occasionally-go-on-dates-with-but-are-not-in-a-real-relationship-and-sometimes-say-things-like-'never-leave-my-side'-etcetera-etcetera…

Number Three: you never told me what was going on with that red-headed rapist who tried to steal your snog-buddy-who-you-occasionally-go-on-dates-with-but-are-not-in-a-real-relationship-and-sometimes-say-things-like-'never-leave-my-side'-etcetera-etcetera…

Number Four: my job is no longer in the fast food industry. I now have better hours, pay, and miss my friends terribly.

Number Five: Kiba and Naruto are planning to run away to Antarctica to escape Neji/Sasuke's wrath.

(Number Five and a half: Kiba obviously has a crush on you and is blatant denial.)

Number Six: Neji and Tenten are still having their psychotic little relationship, which would probably prove hazardous and fatal to any other couple. Nut jobs.

Number Seven: Naruto made a bad impression with Hinata's family, said something along the lines of screwing like rabbits, and now Neji is trying to kill Naruto. (I don't see why he's so SURPRISED.)

Number Eight: Gaara is depressed that you aren't coming to see him, but since the whole thing was basically minor flirtation, he's secretly pleased at all the poetic angst he's gotten out of his 'project' and is writing a song about you. Last I heard, it was called 'Petals of Blood.'

Number Nine: The Burger King has totally lost control of McDonalds and actually called me the other day, yelled for an hour, (I just put the phone down for a while, came back after what I felt was a reasonable amount of time and interrupted) and then asked me come back and work.

Number Ten: Temari is kick ass cool and offers me free love advice, although it is secretly weird, and we probably won't be friends for a while. (Which she has very reasonably pointed out to me.)

Number Eleven: Chouji, Kankuro and Shikamaru are all computer nerds and I am ashamed of them all since I would most certainly never partake in such lame behavior.

Number Twelve: Kankuro and I are kicking ass at Dungeons and Dragons, and I am only five levels away from PH, which is good, since I plan to be a cyber-flirt.

Number Thirteen: even as I say this, I am refusing to see him, since I feel that all things need to have a dramatic waiting period. (And I have no idea what I'm supposed to say. I'm hoping having an audience of virtual ogres will make me braver.)

Number Fourteen: Shino is currently the richest guy in your high school, and Sasuke's video has just landed himself a record deal. Sai has just teamed up with him, (Shino) and I am kind of afraid of the outcome. Sai is very good with Photoshop.

Number Fifteen: Lee has started a petition in your name, declaring that the springtime of your youth shall never go out(!) and all contributions made are to help sponsor your way through college.

Number Sixteen: Naruto and Sasuke are still squabbling over the stupid red/crimson crayon.

Number Seventeen: DID YOU SEE LAST WEEKS EPISODE OF _BLEACH_? OH. MY. GOD. ANIMATED CHARECTERS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SO SCRUMPTIOUS!

Number Eighteen: your play is in five days and I can't get airline tickets.

Never fear, I shall find a way!

So, uh, yeah. Before I start up on my drama, I'll tell you about PH's traumatic high school life. Apparently he had a band geek girlfriend named Tayuya and she swore even more than YOU do. (I was also surprised.) From what I can tell, she did her best to make his life a living hell by…

One: Occasionally walking into his classroom in the middle of class and announcing that Shika was going to skip with her now. OR ELSE.

Two: Telling all of the other girls in school that he was crappy in bed, despite never having slept with him. (This was done to eliminate competition.)

Three: Inventing charming nicknames like Shitamaru, which Chouji still likes to call him whenever PH does something irritating or stupid.

Also, when he finally broke up with her, she raided his gym locker and melted chocolate to his pants, and—well, it was a very suspicious stain. No WONDER everyone called him Shitamaru!

What a basket case. She makes me feel like I have EXCELLENT karma.

So, basically, I'm going to. Um. Do a little nerd flirting now, and see if I can get Shitamar—PH to…er…Well, I'm going to confess. Over the internet. Because I believe in doing things the dirty (read: lame) way.

Wish me luck!

Or at least pretend that you aren't rolling your eyes at your pathetic, wimpy friend. I think things were better when I didn't like the guys I slept with.

--Ino

* * *

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Guess who! 

**TheDarkestShadow**: You're going to talk to me?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: It appears so.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Unless you piss me off. In which case, I will kill the dwarves over there and make you watch.

**TheDarkestShadow**: How terrifying.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: It is, isn't it?

**TheDarkestShadow**: So what do you want?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I want many things. Why did you ask Chouji for my schedule?

**TheDarkestShadow**: You shouldn't answer a question with a question.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I wanted to talk to you.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: So here I am.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Why were you hiding?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Because I _didn't_ want to talk to you.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Why's that?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: It would have been awkward.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Why?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Because…I was the girl probably responsible for your split with your last girl friend.

**TheDarkestShadow**: She left because of work.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Yeah. But I helped.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Yes, Ino. Your existence was obviously a sin.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: That wasn't what I meant!

**TheDarkestShadow**: I know.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You're being kind of mean.

**TheDarkestShadow**: You didn't talk to me for almost a week because you were being stupid and sulking. I'm kind of annoyed.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Maybe this is a bad time.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Don't leave.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I'm not going to talk to you if you're in a bad mood. I need you in a good mood.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Okay, fine, I'm over it. Way to rip away my pouting rights, jeez.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …Are you mad at me?

**TheDarkestShadow**: Not anymore.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: So…you WERE!

**TheDarkestShadow**: You're troublesome.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I knew it! I knew this was a bad plan!

**TheDarkestShadow**: Ino.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I knew it wouldn't work out! I can't do this!

**TheDarkestShadow**: Ino!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I hate this! I hate being all nervous and insecure and I hate YOU for making me that way! I never really cared about what anyone thought before now—well, I cared a little. I didn't want my friends to hate me, but they all put up with me being a whore because I was never a whore with THEM and—

**TheDarkestShadow**: INO!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …Shit.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I think you're more of a nerd than you thought.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I am not a computer nerd. I was just playing this stupid game so I could do it with you as a bonding activity.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I didn't mean that.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: What did you mean?

**TheDarkestShadow**: That you're doing your confession thing over the internet. That's so lame.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …I know.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Really, really lame.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I was afraid. Leave me alone, you big meanie!

**TheDarkestShadow**: If we're going to do this stupid drama thing, I only want to do it once. And it has to be face-to-face anyways, so cut the internet crap.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …But it's three in the morning and raining.

**TheDarkestShadow**: So come over here, leave Chouji a note.

**justca****llmeMASTERINO**: ARE YOU TAKING THE INITIATIVE?

**TheDarkestShadow**: It's an online thing. It's a lot easier.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Nerdflirt! Nerdflirt!

**TheDarkestShadow**: What the hell?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Okay. Okay, I'll come. Just let me pack a change of clothes.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Don't bother.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …You did not just say that.

**TheDarkestShadow**: You're right. We're only doing the drama once.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Did I just trample my shot at cybersex?

**TheDarkestShadow**: Pretty much.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Damn.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Bye, Ino.

_**-TheDarkestShadow has signed off-**_

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: HA. HA. HA.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …OH MY GOD.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Be cool, Ino. Be cool.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Does he really think I'm just going to walk over and sleep with him?!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Because I'm NOT.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Stupid men. Always turn love into sex.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

_**-TheDarkestShadow has signed on-**_

**TheDarkestShadow**: Ino, you know that all the messages you send to me when I'm offline are automatically delivered, right?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …Oh.

**TheDarkestShadow**: So much for only doing this once.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I think I'm going to hide from you for another week now, okay? Okay.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Ino.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Because honestly, I don't think I could ever, ever, ever face you now.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: May I withdrawl the love comment?

**TheDarkestShadow**: I don't know. Do you want to?

_**-justcallmeMASTERINO has signed off-**_

_**-justcallmeMASTERINO has signed on-**_

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Not really.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I'll be there in half an hour, and then I can say all of this _properly_.

_**-justcallmeMASTERINO has signed off-**_

**TheDarkestShadow**: …

**TheDarkestShadow**: Exactly as I planned…

_**-TheDarkestShadow has signed off-**_

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: Play

I figured that you wouldn't be able to get the plane tickets, so I went ahead and got them for you. There are three enclosed; one for you, one for PH, and one for Chouji. I've been working at Starbucks for the past few months so that I could get these for you, but I wanted to keep it a secret so that I could see you freak out and worry.

(I'm joking. I wanted it to be a surprise. Surprise!)

For my play, you HAVE to dress nice, Ino. When you come home, stop at my house; the boys can stay downstairs. I made sure that all of the children are sleeping over one of their little friends houses, and my parents went away somewhere. No idea where, and I don't really care. So anyway, I left a pair of dress black pants on my bed, an ice-blue tank top, and black heels. There's makeup on my dresser.

(I CAN be nice when I want to!)

Alright, in answer to all of your "bases", (God damn, you have so many.)

Yes, Sasuke-kun and I are in a sort of friends-with-benefits sort-of relationship. I think I'm going to address this with him later, since he's taking me out to a concert and is picking me up. (You know, he didn't even ASK ME. He just said that he's taking me out to a concert at eight, and that he'd pick me up. I'm going to have to work on this whole Sakura-is-going-to-be-at-my-beck-and-call thing.)

That red-haired girl is named Karin, and if I hear the words pink-haired slut come out of her mouth anymore, I am going to RIP OUT HER (fakely dyed) EYEBROWS. Though I was rather basking in the way Sasuke put his arm around me and glared at her...

Because I am AWESOME, I'm going to answer two of your things at once. I think that you should compromise; work for Chouji on the weekdays, and McDonalds on the weekends. Talk to The Burger King about this. (I think he misses you. Awwww, Ino-chan!)

Really? I must text Naruto and tell him that California is more the way to go than Antartica. (Though if they leave, they should get me a penguin!) Actually, no, I'd miss them terribly. I'll just tell Sasuke-kun to lay off, and that if what they did got us together, then does it really matter? (maybe I'll even turn on the waterworks, muahaha.)

Also, I've talked to Kiba, and he IS over me; he's currently dating some girl named Hikari from the Shigoken H.S in the next town over. I met her (I had to approve, y'know) and she's very nice.

Leave Neji and Tenten's relationship alone; we ALL have weird relationships. Just look at you and PH. (Speaking of which, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT?! SERIOUSLY, I. NEED. DETAILS. WOMAN.)

I'm ignoring the one about Neji and Naruto (because that's all smoothed out, now, thanks to Hinata. Genius girl, she is.) to talk about Gaara: uhm, should I be flattered that he's writing me a song entitled Petals of Blood, or afraid?

I think I should talk to Temari; after all, I'M not the other woman. Perhaps she and I could be friends, or something. Possibly. We'll see.

Once again, you are SO a computer nerd; you play Dungeons and Dragons. Which, I believe, you had once referred to as Dungeons-Humping-Dragons. (My brain cells still haven't recovered from that, by the way.)

You know, since you're coming home for my play, and SAI WILL BE THERE... well, you still owe him that beating for cheating on you and turning out to be gay. (Also because he's trying to steal my maybe-boyfriend. Well, not STEAL, per se, but he's definitely been hitting on him.)

When you next see Lee, or talk to him (how the HELL do you find these things out? _I_ didn't even know about them!) then please tell him the petition, while sweet, is unnecessary. I'll fund myself through college. (There's also scholarships, and since I'm working at Starbucks and stuff, I've got money. Sasuke-kun has some ridiculous notion, though, that we're going to the same college and he'll pay for me.

I blame myself; he caught me re-reading Eclipse,--by Stephenie Meyer, the author of that AMAZING series Twilight, which I KNOW you secretly love-- asked me about it, and I explained. I was at the part of the colleges and told him. If I catch him reading Twilight, though, I'll be AFRAID. He will probably RIP THAT THING APART AND KILL MY OTP.)

Are they SERIOUSLY still fighting over that Crimson Crayon? You know, I'm going to beat their heads in one of these days.

I DID, IN FACT, SEE THE LATEST EPISODE OF BLEACH, AND FWOAR, ICHIGO! (Also, Ishida is ridiculously hot.)

...wow, poor PH. This girl sounds like a REAL psycho. Haha, Shitamaru. (This gives me more amusement than it should.)

You know, I think I liked it too when you didn't like the guys you slept with either, because then there w--

Wait.

YOU'VE SLEPT WITH PH?!!!

TELL MEEEEE!

--Sakura

* * *

From: NHyuuga

To: HHyuuga

Subject: Your stupid boyfriend

Alright, fine, your father and I will leave him alone...

For now.

But if he tries to make any moves on you, use your pepper spray. I'm serious.

Sincerely,

Neji

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Uchiha723

Subject: I already knew this

Yes, I know, Sasuke-kun. I know that she threw herself on you; it was kind of obvious, I mean, since it took you HOW LONG to finally gather up your nerve to kiss me?

What I was upset about was that you didn't even bother to explain it to me on the ride home. It would've been much appreciated, you know. But you explained now (after, what, about a month? ...well, better late than never) so it's cool. Relax.

--Sakura

P.S--Sure, I'd love to.

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: valentineSTAKER

Subject: (no subject)

Are you mad at me? Oh, please don't be mad! I'm really, REALLY sorry I couldn't come and see you.

Can we be friends, at least?

---Sakura

P.S-- Is it true you're writing a song about me?

* * *

To: Sasuke 

From: Sakura

So who are we going to see in concert?

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Sasuke

It's a surprise.

* * *

To: Sasuke 

From: Sakura

Well maybe I don't LIKE surprises.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Sasuke

You love surprises. Have patience, Sakura.

* * *

To: Sasuke 

From: Sakura

Oh yeah? Well, how do YOU know? And I DO have patience; I'm just curious.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Sasuke

Because you told me back in the third grade. I think it was a hint, but I ignored it. And you know what they say: curiosity killed the cat.

* * *

To: Sasuke 

From: Sakura

...I did? And you IGNORED ME? That's so mean, Sasuke-kun. And don't say that around Ino, she'll think you're talking about Mr. Butters.

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Sasuke

Yeah, well, you were annoying back then. Then again, you still are. And who the hell is Mr. Butters? Actually, no, never mind, I don't want to know.

* * *

To: Sasuke 

From: Sasuke

Well gee, THANKS. I want to know something: are we in a relationship?

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Sasuke

It sometimes isn't necessarily a BAD thing. And obviously.

* * *

To: Sasuke 

From: Sakura

It isn't? And what do you mean, OBVIOUSLY?

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Sasuke

No, it isn't. And honestly, Sakura, how many OTHER girls do you see me kissing? (Excluding Karin, since I never kissed her back.)

* * *

To: Sasuke 

From: Sakura

Well, that's true...but, I mean, I just had to make sure, y'know? ...aww, Sasuke-kun, are you holding my hand?!

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Sasuke

...shut up, Sakura. Besides, we're here, anyways.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Confession!

You know, it appears that you might have been right about something. You ARE as cool as you always insisted!

Shitamaru and Chouji say they'll come. Uh. Well, Chouji did, after much begging and whining and bribery. PH mostly just looked annoyed and went back to sleep. But he didn't say NO, so I consider this to be a positive response.

Don't worry about Gaara. He loves being miserable. And you should be pretty flattered about that song, considering how popular it is. See attached for a recording. (I warn you, he gets a little trigger happy on drums and bass guitars.)

Okay, I am very happy for Hinata and Naruto, as well as Tenten and Neji. The two of them should double date. That'd go over _reeeeeally_ well.

**Short Notes**: I am _still_ kicking Sai's ass, don't worry your pretty little head about that. Hinata tells me that Kiba and Naruto are no longer planning their little elopement, because their girlfriends, (and you) are much braver than they are. I am absolutely NOT a computer nerd. Feel free to talk to Temari, though I'm not sure if she has any idea of who you are. Lee will never listen to a word anyone says against Him And His Cause. Trying to stop him generally just makes things worse. Your obsession with Edward/Bella is unsettling. I laugh at you. I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT ICHIGO AND ISHIDA YOU DORK, I MEANT RUKIA. DUH. (I am exploring my inner lesbian. I know she's there!) Sasuke and Naruto will fight over that crayon until the end of time. It's just how they flirt. (COMPETITION!!!)

And now for the longer stuff, I am doing the job-switch you mentioned, but not on the weekends. For no cause shall I work on the weekends. I just work Tuesdays and Thursdays at Micky D's and Monday-Wednesday-Friday is reserved for Chouji's. YAY!

I am proud of you for sticking up for your man, but feel slightly sorry for Karin. Hoes unite! (I was seriously cheering on your side, I swear.) Now TELL ME about your concert. That is a major step there. I mean. This time it sounds like the two of you are acknowledging it as a DATE rather than just, 'uh yeah I'm going to the movie and you should come too. (five hours later) hey, fancy seeing YOU here!'

And now for BIG BIG BIG news…

I, Ino, master of seduction, have indeed made my latest conquest. HA. HA. HA.

Although there is some argument over who started it. I so CLEARLY was the one to do the confessing and whatnot, while SHITAMARU (I am calling him this now whenever I get annoyed) is getting all huffy and upset and muttering about 'being a man' and still INSISTING that HE was the one who tried to talk to me for a week, was very suave online, and then jumped my bones.

I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THESE FACTS ARE INCORRECT. I JUMPED HIM. IT WAS NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. HOW DARE HE TRY TO CLAIM ALL OF THE CREDIT?! IT WAS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT, THIS JUMPING. I WAS NERVOUS. IT DOESN'T HAVPPEN VERY OFTEN.

Details aside, I think we are…together. Ish. Chouji always looks really smug when I see him, (maybe because he showed up at PH's apartment carrying all of my stuff The Morning After. I. I just—HOW DID HE KNOW?!)

So…yeah. I hope it works out. I really, really, really, really, really like him. A lot. Don't give me that exasperated look, Sakura, I refuse to say the word LOVE. SHITAMARU gets all smug when I do. Damn him.

(Okay, I don't mind too much since he starts getting kind of frisky as well--which is actually sort of odd considering that two weeks ago, I'd need to drag him into smiling--and then sometimes says it back, which results in happy glows. Until Mr. Butters comes over and tries to bite PH's ear off. Darling cat!)

Oodles and oodles of love—and today's the big day! I'll read your reply at the airport, and text you when we've landed.

Dazzle them, star girl.

--Ino

P.S. Tell Sasuke to back off. I already _called_ funding you through college.

* * *

From: valentineSTAKER 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Alright

It's okay. I made a pretty good song out of the deal, so now I can buy that new stereo.

Yeah, let's be friends. And I'll kill your boyfriend if he ever makes you cry. I mean it. I have connections.

--Gaara

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: FINALLY!

Muahaha. That's right, I _rock_!

Tell Chouji I'll bring a pack of BBQ chips as thanks for coming. PH...well, I don't know what to get him. Though I guess YOU'RE his gift. -snickers-

I listened to the song and...well, I'm not sure my eardrums will ever be the same, but it was a very good song, once you get past the loudness.

I'm happy about the McDonalds, though; what did The Burger King say?

We went to go see Linkin Park; it was AMAZING. Seriously, Mike and Chester ROCK MY WORLD. I ALSO HAVE BIG NEWS:

SASUKE-KUN AND I ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. HE ACKNOWLEDGED IT! (You know, around the same time last night we were both getting lucky. Except yours was most definitely different from mine. Seriously, Sasuke-kun's not getting laid for a while. Like, maybe on graduation night. Not Senior Prom, since that is so incredibly cliché.)

Also, I am, uhm, sure that you were the Master of Seduction (!) and ensued the whole jumping-of-the-bones. You go, girl, you seme you!

(I cannot BELIEVE I just said that. NEVER AGAIN, INO.)

Also, I think PH probably told Chouji his plans. Guys are weird like that. Or maybe PH has been planning this for a while...?

AHAHAHA, YOU LOVE SHIKAMARU, YOU LOVE SHIKAMARU.

I am so happy, for you, Ino-chan.

Give PH a kiss from me!

--Sakura

P.S-- Sasuke-kun is very grumpy about this, but I made-out with him to make him forget about it, so I think you're safe.

* * *

To: Shikamaru 

From: Ino

I'm nervous.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Shikamaru

Ino, you aren't supposed to have the phone on during plane flights. We might mess up the signal. If you want to talk to me, walk back to second class.

* * *

To: Shikamaru 

From: Ino

You answered! And that'd only work if we had a really BIG signal. Ours is little.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Shikamaru

Tell me that as we're plummeting down to earth. Why are you nervous?

* * *

To: Shikamaru 

From: Ino

Because I haven't seen Sakura in almost half a year. What if she thinks I look different? Do I look fat?

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Shikamaru

You don't look fat. Would she care if you did?

* * *

To: Shikamaru 

From: Ino

She'd tease me. And then forget about it. I don't know. What am I supposed to say?

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Shikamaru

How would I know?

* * *

To: Shikamaru 

From: Ino

Because you're a genius!

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Shikamaru

Ino, she's your best friend. Why are you so worried?

* * *

To: Shikamaru 

From: Ino

I don't know. I just am.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Shikamaru

She's the girl who kept in touch with you all this time. I don't think it'll be that difficult.

* * *

To: Shikamaru 

From: Ino

You're right. Thanks.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Shikamaru

Feel better?

* * *

To: Shikamaru 

From: Ino

Absolutely not.

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sasuke

Alright, I'm doing this on the sly, so don't tell Sakura. How about a compromise? You and I will BOTH fund Sakura through college.

* * *

To: valentineSTAKER 

From: GreenEyed07

Subject: Yay!

Well, I'm glad, then. I think you're rather good at the drums; do you have any more songs? Or a CD, or something?

Uhm, my boyfriend just so happens to be Uchiha Sasuke. Have you ever heard of him? His father owns the gigantic Uchiha Corp, and whatnot.

But, er, I'll warn him that there is a violent redhead that WILL shed his (meaning Sasuke's, not yours, Gaara) blood should he make me cry.

(And, er, if you ever meet him, don't be surprised if he's mean to you; he gets rather jealous quickly. Plus, I admitted I had a thing for you and was also going to New York to meet you. He was officially Not Happy. Uh, oops?)

--Sakura

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

Hey, where are you?

* * *

From: valentineSTAKER 

To: GreenEyed07

Subject: Sure

YOU'RE DATING THE RUBBER DUCKY GUY?

I think I need to write another song about this. I got dumped for the rubber ducky guy. Never, ever tell my brother this. EVER.

As for my music, thank you. I'm trying to get an agent right now, but I have a few other recordings.

Good luck with your play.

--Gaara

* * *

To: Sasuke 

From: Ino

I will agree to this if you agree to call her princess. It only has to be once, but you had better do it.

Have we got a deal?

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sasuke

Fine.

* * *

To: Kiba 

From: Ino

So, you know that bet I made with you a long, long time ago about Sasuke calling Sakura a princess?

PAY UP, DOG BOY!

(see you in an hour!)

* * *

To: Sakura 

From: Ino

I'm at the airport. We're getting out bags and then taking a cab to your house. The boys are going to be staying with Kiba, since his parents are out of town, and I have decided to crash at yours.

If you say sleep over, I will kill you.

See you soon!

* * *

From: GreenEyed07 

To: valentineSTAKER

Subject: Okay!

Yes, I am dating the Rubber Ducky Guy. And I'll never mention it to Kankuro if you never mention it EVER. AGAIN.

Well, you have "connections", don't you? So use one of those!

Thanks. Good luck with finding your agent!

--Sakura

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Kiba

NO WAY, HE CALLED SAKURA A PRINCESS?! I have to hear this before I believe it! Anywhere, where are you?

* * *

To: Ino 

From: Sakura

The boys are staying with Kiba? ...I have a foreboding feeling in my gut.

Sure, sure, you'll be crashing (SLEEPING OVER!) my house. Don't forget that your outfit's on my bed. I'm already at the theater, and they're going to put my outfit out now. (Which consists of a corset. I KNOW you'll get vicious pleasure out of that.)

Make sure Chouji and PH dress nicely too, okay?

* * *

_JULIET : "_What's here?... /Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end/O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips--" 

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "HAH, ABOUT TIME! SNOG HIM, SAKURA! KAY-EYE-ESS-ESS-MURPH."

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 2_: "Ino, be quiet!"

_JULIET_: "Haply some poison yet doth hang on them—"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "BAH. YOU CALL THAT A KISS?"

_(Romeo sits up angrily)_

_ROMEO_: "INO, SHUT THE HELL UP!"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "_YOU_ SHUT UP! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

_(Juliet shoves Romeo back down, wailing something about zombies)_

_JULIET_: "To make die with a restorative./ Thy lips are warm."

_(Juliet cries)_

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "Hmnph. She's a lot more convincing when she's extorting favors."

_(Juliet 'accidentally' throws fake dagger at audience member one)_

_JULIET_: "Oh, no, no!/ Yea, noise? No! Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!/ This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die!"

_(Juliet looks around for dagger. Audience Member 1 snickers. Audience Member 2 audibly smacks forehead)_

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 2_: "Give her the dagger, Ino."

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "But it's kind of cool—hey! They made this out of candy!"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 3_: "Ooh, seriously?"

_ROMEO_: "STOP EATING THE DAGGER!"

_JULIET_: "SASUKE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! STOP YELLING AT EVERYONE!"

_ROMEO_: "Whatever you say—"

_(Romeo glares at Audience Member 1)_

_ROMEO_: "Princess."

_JULIET_: "…Are you dying?"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "HAH!"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 3_: "Hey, it tastes like watermelon!"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 2_: "That's disgusting. Do you know how many people have held that thing?"

_(Juliet seethes, and then stabs herself with a pencil Romeo produces. She slumps over his body, dead.)_

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "WAHAHAHA, WHAT WAS _THAT_?!"

_(cast members take a bow to enthusiastic applause)_

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "You were the worst Juliet I have ever seen."

_JULIET_: "AS IF THAT WAS MY FAULT!"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "Relax. That was the best play I have ever seen."

_JULIET_: "STOP TRYING TO BUTTER ME UP—really?"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "Yep. They're NEVER going to forget this one."

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 2_: "Because it was a disaster."

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "Shut up, Shikamaru! You aren't helping our case!"

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 2_: "_Our_ case?!"

_JULIET_: "Well, thanks, Ino. You basically destroyed three months work."

_AUDIENCE MEMBER 1_: "Aaaaand?"

_JULIET_: "…I missed you. Welcome home."

_(curtain)_

_

* * *

_

From: GreenEyed07

To: Angel4awhile

Subject: This is gonna be stupid, but whatever.

So I know that I could just wake you up and tell you this, but I don't feel like it, because one) I fear your wrath, and two) this is kind of how things began this year, so this is kind of how I want it to end.

So we've gone through a lot this year, haven't we, Ino-chan?

I mean, you left, and then you discovered Shikamaru, Chouji, Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, and The Burger King. And now you're with Shikamaru, and I'm with Sasuke-kun.

It all just kind of feels surreal, doesn't it?

But, even so...I'm kind of really happy that you left, Pig. I mean, I'm NOT happy, because you could've been SHOT and you LEFT ME, but I digress. You found love, and you worked out your problems. Not only that but you FINALLY had sex with someone and it actually meant something.

And I'm really, really proud of you.

Uhm, just wanted to say that.

So I think I'll go to sleep now, and I'll see you in the morning, okay?

I love you, Ino-chan. You're my best friend, even if you DO steal my clothes and call me a prude. (Which I am NOT, GODDAMMIT.)

--Sakura

P.S. How about I treat you to breakfast? We can go to McDonalds.

* * *

**Missa's note: And so there it is. The final chapter of The Essentric Files. (Or as everyone refers to it as, TEF.) I would like to thank everyone who has read this story and reviewed. I thank even the lurkers. (Yes, we know you're there. Thank you!) You all get a virtual hug and some Dove chocolate. (Because that stuff is GOOD, man.) So once again, thank you all for sticking with us through these long months and chapters--you all rock both mine and Ren's world. We are eternally grateful to you guys, and stuff. We love you all!**


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